SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

So I found out that my now ex-fiance (been engaged for a year, together for 8) was cheating on me, the day after we broke up 3 weeks ago. She was cheating on me with a guy from her job for 2 months prior to our break up. We have 2 kids, and my 6 year old broke down and told me about "Mommy's special friend that only comes over when Dad is at work, but we can't tell Daddy until Mommy gets it sorted out". My now ex- when she broke up with me- made it ALL about things I wasn't doing, ending it with "I just need to find myself". After a legal fight because the ultimatum of "I can't afford to live here without you, so we stay broken up and live together, or I take the kids and move to my home state" didn't work for me, I've moved out and we've began co-parenting for the sake of our kids. But here's the thing, my self confidence is through the floor, I'm just sad most days to be honest. I'm so unbelievably hurt by the fact that she ended an 8 year relationship and got a head start in a new one, behind my back, and left me just floating through the void. I hold strong and am friendly with her, never speak bad about her to my kids, but I am just so sad about it. I can't even think about dating right now, I don't even know how I feel. I'm sorry if this is kind of just a rant, but I just need help. How do I turn off these feelings like she did? Why can't I even talk to new women? I just feel so pathetic, I feel like she's sitting there laughing at me while I fumble around life. I am trying to move on. I do not want to get back with her. But I still have these feelings that just feel like a baseball bat to the stomach. I catch myself starting to text her during the day at work, and it hits hard everytime. This is my first post on here, I finally had the courage to say something. So I'm sorry if this is the wrong thread for all of this. But I just need to get this out. It's like there's an anvil sitting on my chest. I don't eat a lot anymore, I sleep rough (usually with nightmares), and I just can't stand that I feel like she won because I'm miserable. At this point I just hold strong for my kids.. but I'm just so tired and hurt. Thanks for reading.

So sorry you find yourself here.

I hold strong and am friendly with her

I’d throttle back from friendly to civil. Don’t use up any more emotional bandwidth than is necessary on her. See the simplified 180 in the healing library. Lots of other helpful articles there also. A couple of book recommendations for your situation: Cheating in a Nutshell, The Body Keeps the Score and The Journey From Abandonment to Healing.

I can't even think about dating right now

Nor should you, use this time to work on yourself. Consider individual counseling with someone who treats betrayal trauma, or ptsd or other types of trauma if you can’t find someone in your area.

I don't eat a lot anymore, I sleep rough

Try protein or meal replacement shakes to help you through this period. Be sure to stay hydrated. Tire yourself out at the gym, it’ll help with the stress. See your doctor about a sleep aid or anxiety meds if necessary.

Know that her infidelity is not on you. Cheaters step outside of the relationship because they’re broken.

Weekends can be a little slow around here but others will be along with more advice soon.

Hey, I remember both of my Ddays like they were yesterday. On the first one,I was lied to about the extent of the A. My EXWW told me it was just a one sided EA. Devistated me and I spun into a complete mess. I was suicidal, picked acspot, made a plan and then put together a backup plan. Got help and got through it. Lost 25 pounds in a month. My EXWW was a selfish bitch through the entire thing. Pretty sure she was disappointed I didn't off myself. I will never forgive her for her absolute callousness.

But, there is a silver lining. Once I got meds and IC, I picked myself up and did work on me. I did so much work that when Dday2 hit, it was a very different show. I kicked her ass out of the bedroom, outed her to her entire family and stood my ground. The bad news is that I had not yet discovered this site and so did many things wrong. I wish I had the resources you now have.

There will be wiser vets along shortly, so I'll just say this. Your WW does not get to call the shots. She cannot up and flee with the children without getting the authorities involved. You don't need to take one for the team either. She's not on your team anymore. She put your child in the middle of things with her "secret friend". Like who the fuck does that with a child? Has she lost all maternal instinct to protect?

You need to put yourself first so you can be strong enough to be there for you kid. You cannot pour from an empty cup. Take the standard advice given in the healing library. Be open to hearing advice from the old hands even if it stings a little or goes against your assumptions and biases. You have been thrust into a new and traumatic world without any preparation. It will take time to get your feet. Remember that you are playing catchup. Your WW has had time to process things and has mentally checked out of the relationship well before you got the memo. You may want to look up hypergamy and monkey branching. It may explain some of her behaviour.

Hi Guardiandown,
I don’t have any advice to offer but just wanted to say that you are in the middle of what must feel
Like an impossible situation.

It won’t feel like this in a month or six months time.

You are going through grief and you need to let yourself go though this trauma and give it time. Find things that distract you, friends, exercise whatever and take time to look after yourself and spoil your kids when you see them.

In time it will get easier and you will feel brighter.

Sometimes a little bit more anger for the betrayal your partner has caused you will also help you to get through this. You can still do right by your kids.

Take care

The betrayal you were subjected to does not magically disappear overnight. I wish it did. But it is a slow moving healing process unfortunately.

Infidelity affects so many aspects of your life. Trust. Self esteem. Sleep. Eating. Concentration and focus. Emotional health.

There are dime things you can do to help yourself.

Avoid drinking yourself into oblivion. It doesn’t work.

Stop focusing on her and what she thinks. This may be the hardest things to do but you should not let a broken person who lies and cheats have any headspace or whatever over you.

I get you will be tied to her b/c of your children. So you are right to just not badmouth her or degrade her. However your child that witnessed the affair is going to suffer. That needs to be addressed and talked about. That is too much for a child to know and deal with on their own.

I suggest some counseling. To deal with the pain but also how to navigate the co-parenting to be the best for your kids. And learn how to deal with the cheating XF as well.

You will survive this. We all do. It just takes time.

By being feeling defeated do not you think you are giving her another victory? Think what happened like an unforeseen disease and learn to live with it in an productive manner. Living positively and improving your lots is the best response to what happened. Concentrate on other things like improving your career it will also keep your mind busy.

The affairs prosper in secret and now they are in the open expect the things to go sour as in many hidden affairs. Stand your ground, if someone does not want you let them go, at least she could have been honest about it and let you knew upfront. She did not do it b's she is a cheater.

Check what Tenzin Palmo Jetsunma has to say about clinging in YouTube

By the way talking to other women should be your last priority right now
Also hope you have caring friends/relatives in your circle to help you to get over this

[This message edited by goalong at 2:00 PM, Sunday, November 13th]

In order to help yourself get over your emotional attachment to her, I would suggest focusing on the negative about her, and there is plenty (even in your short overview of the situation).

She lacks basic honesty. She started a new relationship with some guy while still in a committed relationship (with kids). She had the unmitigated audacity to BRING THIS NEW DUDE OVER IN FRONT OF YOUR SHARED KIDS AND INCLUDE THEM IN THE LIE. Who does that??? Seriously. Who. Does. That?

You don't want a relationship with this person.

Believe it when we tell you that her decision to cheat had nothing to with you and everything to do with her. I'm sure she believes it was your "fault," because cheaters love to justify their actions to themselves. If she can convince herself that it's your fault then she doesn't have to deal with the shame that is knocking on her door.

However, even if there were problems in your relationship with her and even though you had flaws (of course you did--who doesn't?), that wasn't why she chested.

She cheated because she became self-centered and wanted to get the feel-good brain chemistry dump that comes from new flirtations and new interests. She cheated because it's easier to believe the grass is greener when her "new" relationship is mainly fantasy land and not based in day to day reality and the struggles of real life. She cheated because she's emotionally immature and lies to herself...and others.

You don't want any of that. You don't really want her and who she has become.
You deserve so much better.

Don't go looking for that better person now. Give yourself time to grieve and to heal.

I'm so sorry that you are here, but you will find massive support here.

This is so weird, I am about to post my own story and it's SO similar. 8 years together, she had an affair for 2 months before telling me she "just needed to find herself", then hid AP/affair from me because she couldn't afford to live on her own and I told her we could live together until spring as long as their was no other guys/dating...I eventually caught them, and she promtly left me for him and is now with him while I struggle through the muck.

Thank you everyone for the overwhelming support. It does feel impossible, but I know it isn't. I am not going to be dating right now. I just felt like I should be because she was and I just feel so left behind, discarded. I'm going to be going to therapy January 1st, because that's when my insurance kicks in, and I picked up a book called Lose a cheater, Gain a Life. It came super recommended. I'll post updates, but for now I'm just keeping my nose to the grindstone at work, and being the best father I can be to my kids. Thank you all again seriously. It means so much to me to find people that understand. I have felt so alone the past month. I finally feel like I have a place to talk about all of this.

You need to contact an attorney and protect yourself, she doesn't automatically get full custody just because she says so and can't just leave the state with the kids without your consent. Talk to an attorney pronto ! by you leaving the house it may be considered abandonment, possibly making her case for full custody and child support stronger, typically you're entitled to 50/50 custody.