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Newest Member: Julesanne

Wayward Side :
Should I Tell Her?

stop

 Tony11 (original poster new member #82368) posted at 9:30 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

Hi,

I am in a real predicament. I have a girlfriend and we have been together over a decade and, until the other day, I have been loyal and honest. I love her and I love our son and I genuinely want to be with her.

Now here's the problem. My best friend is a girl and we have been friends since young children, we are now in our early 30s. We have a complicated relationship as we were together during teenage years, but then split and remained very close friends. She is friends with my girlfriend and the godmother of my son. She is very attractive and I have always deep down really fancied her but managed to keep it back. It is also clear that she is attracted to me.

The other night I ended up staying at her house, which my partner new about, it is fairly normal as I travel with work and stay with her when I am in the area.

We both fell asleep watching TV on the couch and at some point during the night we must of started cuddling. Anyway, it felt amazing at the time and became quite intimate. We didn't kiss or have sex, but we got very close. At one point I said... this is dangerous and she said, we should stop before we end up doing something we regret.

So we did. We stopped. I messaged her later and apologised and thanked her for being strong. She replied saying it wasn't an easy feat stopping, but she was glad we did.

Anyway. Now what should I do? I can't just cease contact with her, I love her and she is one of the most important people in my life. Now, if I tell my girlfriend, I risk losing her and seriously damaging my sons life.

With so much at stake, is it possible I can live with the guilt and keep it a secret? I am commited to my girlfriend, I love her. It will never happen again and if anything, I feel the love for my partner is now stronger in some strange way.

Or do I need to face the music and be honest? Even with the impact of the truth having such devasting impact on the people I love the most.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 7:33 AM, Saturday, November 12th]

[This message edited by Tony11 at 10:45 PM, Thursday, November 10th]

posts: 1   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2022
id 8764508
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soulstuck ( new member #82357) posted at 10:54 PM on Thursday, November 10th, 2022

If you're anything like me, the secret is going to eat at you. You're going to think you can still be friends, but you've crossed a line you can't uncross. You may even try to figure out a way to have both women. It would be best to tell your girlfriend right away and cut off contact with your friend for a good amount of time. Maybe not forever? I dunno. At least a year. You don't need to ghost her, but tell her you want to repair your friendship. And then tell your girlfriend the proactive steps you took when you confessed.

You can read my own story I just posted yesterday. I thought I could remain friends. It was impossible. In fact, I searched the internet for advice on how to remain friends. I couldn't find any. The internet doesn't agree on anything unanimously except for this. I didn't want to believe it, and I caused myself a lot of pain.

[This message restored by Webmaster at 12:00 PM, Wednesday, November 16th]

[This message edited by soulstuck at 4:21 AM, Sunday, November 13th]

posts: 5   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022
id 8764531
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BraveSirRobin ( Guide #69242) posted at 12:10 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

We talk a lot here about denial of agency, which means that the WS deliberately prevents their partner from making informed decisions about their relationship and life. In some cases, the betrayed spouse's pain and rage about the lies is even deeper and more damaging than their feelings about the cheating.

This is denial of agency in action. Your GF is showing an enormous amount of trust in you by consenting to let you stay overnight with another woman. You know, and she doesn't, that this is a very dangerous scenario. You mean to be faithful, or you wouldn't have stopped, but your and your BF's mutual attraction has already crossed the line. Now you're telling yourself that you can't give your GF the truth because you love BF and you can't lose BF from your life. You're far, far down the path of betrayal and gaining speed.

Imagine that next week, you discover that your GF cuddled intimately with a coworker with whom she's been working nights. This guy has been to cookouts at your house and is someone you liked. Maybe you got a vibe that there was more between them, but she told you not to worry, and you even blamed yourself for feeling suspicious. Turns out she does have feelings for him, and her solution was to hide what happened from you so that she could start traveling with him on overnight business trips. Even if nothing ever happened again, would you feel that you had the right to know the truth before you decided whether to support the travel? What would your reaction be if she tried to claim that she was thinking of the impact on your son when she kept you in the dark as she bought her plane tickets? Wouldn't that be bad enough with someone you don't know very well, let alone a person you trusted enough to name the godfather of your child? How would you look at every interaction you had with her from then on, knowing that she had been deceiving you about their mutual attraction? How would you feel about the times you had been in a room with them together, when they both knew the truth, and you were the trusting rube?

The excuses that we make to ourselves, the minimization of how far it's already gone, the promises that we can stop, are very much like the behavior of an addict. The awareness of that intimate night is now loaded into your dynamic with your BF. Will you hold the line? Will she? That romantic and erotic tension will saturate your interactions and put you at serious risk of doing it again and likely going farther. Your GF will understand that instantly, which is why you don't want her to know.

Yes, you need to tell your GF the truth and accept the fallout, even if that means (as it probably will) completely ending all contact with BF. Or you can decide that the relationship with BF is more important to you than your relationship with GF, and end things with GF. But there is no honest, ethical way to hide this from GF and continue your connection with BF. None. You are betraying GF on an ongoing basis and stealing her agency from her. That isn't love or respect, and she deserves to be with someone who gives her both.

[This message edited by BraveSirRobin at 2:14 PM, Wednesday, November 16th]

WW/BW

posts: 2952   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8765371
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 2:49 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

Welcome to the Wayward Side. You're going to get a few 2x4's upside the head- I sure did. I rejected and resisted them. But in the end, every word said was true. It's going to get a hell of a lot worse before it gets better. But hey, what's your self respect and recovery of your integrity worth to you?

Sounds like hell for your GF. She's had a kid with you, is basically common law married to you and yet you're sharing a TON of emotional intimacy with your BFF... for years... in front of her face. And now this nearly-fuck-session behind her back.

Either your GF has a ton of self esteem and isn't a jealous person... or she's got incredibly low self esteem and settles for being either a close 2nd or tied for first place in your life.

I'm not mincing my words here. You situation triggers me on many levels growing up with my dad's A with a close family friend being thrown in my face as a kid in elementary and middle school. My mom got a ring-side seat to their heavy flirting and innuendo. The air was so thick with it between them that even us pre-pubescent children thought that we were all going to be sisters when our parents divorced and my dad and their mom married (there were 3 girls in my fam and 2 girls in theirs- all about the same age). We thought it would be fun. We were small kids with NO CLUE about the devastation. My dad ended up fucking her in the hot tub on a ski trip where my mom wasn't there. Her alcoholic BH was passed out in the bedroom next door.

I learned not to expect much from men.

This is what you're teaching your child. This is how you are treating your long-term GF. The mother of your children.

Get your head out of your ass now and make a decision. Shit or get off the pot. You've been toying with your GF for years. This sexual tension has been going on in the background FOR YEARS. Denial ain't just a river in Egypt. The emotional intimacy has been present the whole time. You've only given half of your self to your GF.

Why haven't you married? Isn't there some vacillation between these two women on your part? How many years of your BFF's life have you wasted stringing her along? How many years have you stolen from your GF by not shitting or getting off the pot with her?

I'm speaking as both a WW and a BW (H had multiple EA's and escapist idealizations of OW during our M). It's not cool. It's not fair. It's gross behavior. Disgusting.

Shit or get off the pot. Your selfishness has cost these women more than you'll ever know.

Your GF deserves a man who will have her back and protect her and her child.

Your BFF deserves a man who will commit to her and provide her true partnership in her life. Why doesn't SHE have a BF/H? Probably because she's been PINING FOR YOU ALL THESE YEARS AND LIVING VICARIOUSLY THE LIFE SHE WANTED WITH YOU. You claim to care about her. YOU DON'T. YOU HAVE USED HER FOR YOUR SELFISH ENDS and DENIED HER A TRUE LOVING PARTNERSHIP by dangling yourself in front of her all these years.

Tell your GF. She deserves as the MOTHER OF YOUR CHILD to know her BF is one business trip away from FUCKING HIS BFF BEHIND HER BACK.

Your cozy little harem and idyllic life of having your BFF on hold and your GF in your pocket are over. It wasn't "just cuddling". You weren't "just friends." When you have sexual history with a woman, she's not your sister. She's not your friend. It's only a matter of time and opportunity before this happened. I'm astonished it took so long in the first place.

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her. Financial infidelity again- who says you only cheat with lovers?

posts: 894   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8765391
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MangledHeart ( Webmaster) posted at 10:18 PM on Wednesday, November 16th, 2022

I'm speaking as both a WW and a BW (H had multiple EA's and escapist idealizations of OW during our M).

MIgander, Please keep it to the WS perspective in the Wayward Side. smile

Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow; it empties today of its strength. ~Corrie Ten Boom

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 31st, 2002   ·   location: The beach
id 8765471
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Bulcy ( member #74034) posted at 4:32 PM on Saturday, November 26th, 2022

For me, the question is not "Should I tell her", but "How should I tell her".

As everyone has mentioned above, you need to be honest. You cannot leave your BS without agency. I speak from experience. I came onto SI looking for answers, not looking for support in finding my own answers. I did not want to end relationships with APs or people who were not friends of the marriage. If you're genuine about working on the marriage, you can no longer have a relationship with this woman. You and her are unsafe. You cannot be safe while there are secrets and while you're still trying to save a "friendship" with someone you had an affair with.

You say you risk losing her if you admit it. Yes, you do. You put that at risk when you chose to do what you did. However, the risk of losing her is increased massively should you say nothing and she finds out. If you say nothing, then the guilt will stay with you forever.

be honest with yourself. You cannot be honest with BS if you are not honest with you. Again, I've been there and am still working on the self lies. It's not easy, but is necessary.

WH (40's) Me. Emotional affair (2017), Physical affair (2003) and online affairs, Two physical affairs (2000). D-Day's 2003, August '17, multiple discoveries through 2018,19 and 20, Jan 21 and 2022

posts: 245   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2020   ·   location: UK
id 8766800
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kccalifornia ( new member #82360) posted at 5:22 AM on Sunday, November 27th, 2022

With so much at stake, is it possible I can live with the guilt and keep it a secret?

It's not worth it to keep the secret. It will come out in some way or another.

You need to figure out which relationship you truly want to be in and commit to it.

Be honest with yourself and with your GF.

posts: 30   ·   registered: Nov. 9th, 2022   ·   location: California
id 8766867
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