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Newest Member: Crushedafter46years

New Beginnings :
I gave up, and it's awesome

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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 8:15 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

So recently, my life has been kind of a crap sandwich. My mom isn't doing well, and needs to get into an assisted living facility. I struggle daily to take care of her.

My brother, upon learning that mom is now too much for me to care for, tried to act like I had failed, and told me he'd take her. Which, to his surprise, was fine with me! Then he backed down to taking her for two weeks. Yesterday, he told me he couldn't come down and get her because his car is in the shop. I am really really glad that I didn't let his lies change my reality, and I toured eight places over the weekend and am down to deciding between two great facilities.

Then add in that she had minor outpatient surgery yesterday.

Did I mention that she's having incontinence issues that require me changing her bed every morning? She's had three dry days in the last two weeks. This morning, she literally wet the bed right in front of me. Are you kidding me???? And I have the added bonus of steam cleaning her rug every few days so it doesn't smell like a nursery without a diaper genie in her room.

I'd say that this is crushing, but having been crushed by infidelity, this is about a six out of ten on the crush scale. I'm exhausted, and physically sore from the work, and stressed, and worried so much about my mom's well-being and safety. I can't sleep at night because I'm afraid she'll fall out of bed or get out of bed on her own and fall. Both have happened in the last two weeks.

But at least my heart isn't broken. Which brings me to why I gave up.

Mr. TNS has been there for me 100% through this. Even with his job situation being crap, he's made me a priority in his life, and has been so supportive. He's my rock.

This weekend, I was thinking about all of this, and how he's been doing so much, from picking mom up off the floor when she has fallen (twice now) to taking me to a hockey game (which he knows I love) after the first day of tours to going on tours with me on Sunday.

And I put all of this into the context of how insecure I can be in relationships, with my trust issues, and my need for autonomy, and my instinct to cut and run at the first red flag. And then I realized that he has no investment in my mom at all. He just has an investment in me.

So I'm giving up my priority on self-preservation, and I'm just going to let this relationship go it's natural course. I may actually grow deep trust for this man. I have watched his behavior, and although the time hasn't been long, the behavior has been consistent and he hasn't shown me any reason not to trust him. As I typed that, I felt uneasy, probably because I have told myself for close to 20 years to never trust anyone completely ever again. This is a big change of pace for me.

For those of you working under the "pick a new partner" structure, I've picked. I'm not saying I'm going to marry him, but I am going to build a life with this man, as long as he will grant me the pleasure of having him.

Oh, and for clarity's sake, I had in-home care come in for mom this weekend and stay overnight to I had the time to do all of the stuff I needed to do for her and take a very-much needed break to relax for a while on Saturday night.

(Did you notice I didn't use a single curse word in this whole post? That's Mr. TNS's effect on me.)

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8762263
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 11:06 PM on Wednesday, October 26th, 2022

What a beautiful post!

Right now you are carrying such an emotional freightload of family things, no wonder the support feels miraculous. I am so pleased this man is there for you. Just a comment from a hardened old woman who had the dearest BF for 4 years, who stepped up for her family when his help was most needed, that it is funny how people can be there for us in one way in certain situations, and then disappoint us in others. My WH has taken me several times to the hospital when I had nobody else to ask. For whatever reason, he responds to that situation. But when I'm feeling my most competent and on top of things, that is when he tends to disappoint me by discounting my competence. Maybe it's a stereotype thing, and it's the "flip side" of trying to rise to be the Knight In Shining Armor. What I'm trying to convey is that people are just so complex.

But still, it warmed me to read your post. Best wishes as you handle the transition to assisted living for your mother, and kudos for how you handled that brother!!

posts: 1549   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8762294
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 Solarchick (original poster member #80222) posted at 4:45 AM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Thank you Superesse for your kind words.

Mr. TNS is a BS (twice) and oddly, isn't a KISA. He's just a super nice man that puts others before himself because it's the right thing to do. My XWH had the KISA complex, and Mr. TNS comes from a different place than XWH. His kindness is not self-serving.

My brother had the gall to ask tonight, after we told him that mom had picked a place, if he had a say in the matter. Are you f'ing kidding me? His narcissism never fails to amaze me. When I shared this with Mr. TNS, he said, "you called it," because I saw this coming from a mile away.

Then he told me that he wanted stuff from the house, but he couldn't take time off from work until NEXT YEAR to come down and get it. I told him that wasn't possible, as we are moving mom out, then me out, and selling this place as quickly as possible. Everything will be out of the house, and if he can't figure out a way to get down here to get what he wants, we'll sell it all. Then he talked about flying down, renting a car, renting a truck, and having people move the stuff and store it for him until he can come down and get it.

He has no idea how to adult, and I'm not going to do it for him. That's my thank you to him for being the best man when my XWH married his AP. grin

Me: BW, 56, two awesome grown sons. Remarried in 2010. That lasted 11 years.WXH: Not even a blip on my radar anymore. I'm glad he's messing up the OW's life now and leaving me alone. D (with cause) in 2004.

posts: 113   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2022   ·   location: Hilton Head, SC
id 8762341
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Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 5:10 AM on Thursday, October 27th, 2022

Oye, I have a brother like yours, myself. The contrast between men like that and your sweetheart must be astounding to you every minute! But all I was saying is to not put the new man on such a pedestal that you think he will always be a certain way, all the time.

He sounds like a keeper, though.

posts: 1549   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8762343
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