SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Thank you so much for being here, I've been reading the articles and posts while waiting moderator's approval and it has helped me a lot in the last few days and the heartbreaking.
I just found out he has cheated on me twice. He had already done that, we had been married for 7 years then (we've been married for 27 years now, one adult son). That first time it hasn't become physical, only messages and pictures on the internet, I know for sure, But I saw the messages, he said he was in love with her and planning to go on. I begged for him to stay, I gave up on dignity and self-respect. Now, after reading some content here, I see that back then I handled it all wrong. I accepted the guilt and the shame and he gave it gladly to me. It was terrible because I didn't ask him to cease contact with her, I went to therapy by myself because I accepted everything he did as if it was my fault and that it was my responsibility to fix. I truly believed I was an awful person, a lousy wife and that I was lucky he had given me the chance to repair what I had done.
This time I found out that he had an affair with OW last December. He was on a trip to release his book and she was on the staff of the event. I was so proud of him, I helped him with the arrangements for the trip, I am such a fool. She is married too.I discovered what happened because I caught him making arrangements to meet her again. He did this while I was recovering from a major surgery. He did this while I was vulnerable, fragile, in bed, unable to do anything by myself, depending on his support for everything. And he was by my side in bed, while I was feeling excruciating pain, talking to her, telling her he wanted to be with her. He cheated in the most vulnerable moment I had ever experienced in my life.
After I confronted him, he finally admitted he had done this before in another situation, some years ago. He was working in another city and a friend of his introduced him to this woman. They exchanged pictures, they did everything. These last two times it was definitely physical.
I cry all the time, I can't work, I don't sleep, I don't eat. I feel like there's a hole on my bosom that nothing could fill, it's overwhelming. I can't think of anything else. I'm feeling like the world is crumbling down and unwanted images come to my mind all the time, I can't help it. It's like a storm that never ends. I don't want to make the same mistakes again, I refuse to be held responsible this time, I didn't do anything wrong. I'm not perfect, but I am a supporting wife and a good person, I don't deserve this. I don't want this. I am taking STD tests this week and I am terrified. I don't know what else to write. I just can't do this anymore.

Hi, Heartbroken, welcome to SI. So sorry you find yourself here.

I think many betrayed spouses initially take on some blame, thinking if they had only done this or that, blah, blah, blah. Nope, the cheater owns his/her own actions.

Please find a good counselor to help you work through this trauma. Do you have friends/family who can support you emotionally as well?

Gently, it sounds as though your husband is a serial cheater. He's admitted to three total, there's probably more. More than likely if he was in close proximity to the first woman, the affair was physical as well.

You are not a fool! You trusted the one person who should have always had your back, instead he stabbed it repeatedly.

Have you informed the other woman's husband of the affair? He deserves to know he is living a lie.

Has your husband stopped all contact with affair partner? No emails, texts, calls, blocked on all avenues possible.

Only you can decide what's best for your life. Is your husband in IC? What's his excuse as if there is one.

Virtual hugs....

I am so sorry for you. Have faith you will survive this, just as you did the first time.

My H had two affairs as well.

The first one was an EA but he refused to admit it. 4 long years of wAtching this play out in front of me. The OW even pretended to be my friend. 😡

Second Affair— I accepted the blame 100%. A few months of counseling and therapy and I wised you to know this was a typical cheater move (I didn’t know about SI then).

But this time I acted differently and stood up for myself. Took back my power and restored my self esteem by telling him "I am Divorcing you".

While we have reconciled and we are happy, things are very different and I put up with no crap.

Annb, thank you so much for your answer, it is good to be heard.

Regarding the issues you've addressed, I see now that it was too comfortable for him to have me taking all responsibility and that it allowed him to feel entitled to it and self-assured. Too easy, right? I finally understand that I didn't do anything wrong and if he was unhappy he could have talked to me, he could have looked for counseling. It was his choice to cheat. He started a fire and left it for me to extinguish it.

I am looking for counseling, got some people recommended by friends. I asked them for recommendations, but I don't really don't feel like exposing the situation to them, not right now. Family is not an option too, unfortunately I don't have anyone. SI has been a great support, though. Thanks again for being here.

Yes, he's been a serial cheater, I told him that. Despite he assumed these three, I cannot believe him, I don't have any reason to. About the first woman I am really sure it wasn't physical, I checked everything, mails, messages, bank accounts and receipts. Moreover, she wasn't in the same city, actually she lived far from us, he couldn't have met her easily.

About the OW's husband I've been trying to reach him. I'm working on it, but I couldn't find his data yet. They live far from us, and he has a pretty common name. In her social media I couldn't find anything, she's probably used to covering her tracks. My H has ceased all contact, yes. I demanded full access to his accounts and cell phone, so I know he has really stopped.

He's about to start counseling this week. I made it very clear that I am still with him only because I want to work things out for myself and move on. I strongly believe I need answers so as not go through this anymore, either with him or with someone else in the future. Divorce is on the table.

Dear The1stWife, thank you for the kind words, I'm really grateful for them especially because your story resembles mine so much. I am so sorry you've been through this too.

The first time he used things I did and said as an excuse and made me feel bad for being who I was. He had no excuse this time, he couldn't find any.

Something that has been difficult for me is to realize that he was able to do it. I've read some posts in which people say their partners are difficult people, temperamental and abusive, selfish in other realms, but he is the opposite. He's a gentle person, a wonderful father, a thoughtful brother and son, a professor who is always available to help students, someone friends, students, peers and advisees look up to. He is the guy everyone wants around, the one friends seek for advice. Everyone else thinks we make the perfect couple, "you two are so cute, he treats you so well". I'm so sick of hearing this kind of crap. He's a cheater, I wish I could hate him, but I can't.

I am much more aware this time, I also stood up for myself and made it clear for him. He seems genuinely devastated, apparently he understood that I really want to work things out for myself and that I don't want him in my future if I'm not 100% convinced that he is committed to change. Actually, at the moment I just want to get better and move on, without him if necessary. I love him, it will hurt, but I'm not taking this anymore. Divorce is a huge possibility.

I think he has never been afraid of losing me. Now he is, for the first time.

((Heartbroken74))
I am so sorry that you are going through this. I just wanted to say that you have come to the right place, the wonderful souls at SI have been my absolute rock these last months.

I wish I had advice to give, but I just want to say that we are here to support you and that you are not alone. IC was a saviour for me.

If sleep continues to be a problem speak to your doctor. Sleep and eating was so hard for me but medication helped me so much in the early days.

We are here for you. Please keep posting. Sending you a hug.

Thank you for the support and advice, Summertime22. I'm sorry you've been through this too.
I'll keep writing, It's been quite helpful. Everything seems more real and easier to cope with when I write.

Take care

Wonderful fathers don't expose their wives to possible deadly stds. They don't sit beside their wife,while she is in horrible pain,and text their girlfriend. Wonderful fathers set good examples. A serial cheater I a horrible example of a man,and a father.

You say you believe he is NC,because you have access to his phone. Do you also have access to his work phone,and email? It's unusual that they just stop..have you looked for a burner phone?

[This message edited by HellFire at 10:57 PM, Monday, October 17th]

I love him, it will hurt, but I'm not taking this anymore.

This. Hang onto it. This is your mantra, R or D.

Good for you for being your own best friend. I don't even know you, but I'm proud of you. Hang in there, this place is the best. Everyone here has been through this in one way or another and their advice truly does come from a place of compassion and empathy. Keep posting and reading!

HellFire, thanks for posting and caring,

You are absolutely right, and I need to hear it. I need to hear that this is not acceptable, I'm sick of hearing from everyone that I am so lucky. I believe that part of healing is in realizing that he can be despicable and protecting myself from that.
About the work phone, burner phone and email, thanks for the advice. I'm working on it now.

Beauchateaux, thank you for the compassionate words!

It is really comforting to know that someone is proud of me! I can't even say how grateful I am right now. Thank you so, so, so much for being so generous :) I really needed that.

Sending you a hug, God bless you

Heartbroken74-

I'm so very sorry for what you're going through. Your despair is palpable. Are you enrolled in therapy? You're undergoing emotional trauma, and for it to happen when your body is trying to heal itself from physical trauma, you're dealing with a lot. Please enroll in therapy if you're not already, and if you are please make an emergency appointment with your therapist.

As you recognize, your husband is a serial cheater. And serial cheaters rarely change. What has your husband done, or pledged to do, to convince you that he will change? His word is worth nothing. He vowed to love, honor and cherish you, but has failed to do so and inflicted this type of offense when you were at your most vulnerable. What's your husband planning to do to rectify this? And you say that he fears he may lose you this time, what makes you say this?

I know you say that you don't want to expose him to your friends, but I think that you should. The first reason being, you need a support group IRL. SI is GREAT, but nothing compares to the people who know you and can physically be there for you, and they should know what it is they're helping you to recover from. The second reason being, nothing kills affairs faster than exposure. Your husband doesn't suffer any consequences for abusing you, stop shielding him. You should also inform the OBS. Because they deserve to know, and also selfishly for you, it'll be another pair of eyes watching your husband and this woman.

Have you seen a lawyer yet? I would advise you do so immediately. That can be empowering for you.

Aletheia,

Thanks for the words of advice. I've already consulted a lawyer, it was one of the first things I did for understanding the options and what's ahead of me if I decide for D. About exposure, I don't want to expose myself. I am afraid people will judge me. But now, while writing about this, I am considering how protective of him I've been so far.

I'm glad if I have helped you to reflect on how much you are shielding him. I read an article about shame and embarrassment following infidelity and one of the reminders the author give to combat that worry of betrayed spouses is that infidelity is common and rampant, (this site is an example!) always has been, probably always will be. So you aren't alone or "special" in that regard, (at least when it comes to being cheated on as sad as that may sound.) But something the author further says is "Infidelity survives and thrives on secrets. Secrets kill. Secrets demand energy and collusions that fly in the face of health and well being. Secrets prolong the soap opera and drama ... secrets suck life." Just something to think on.

Aletheia,

I would like to read it, would you please send the link for the article?

I’d love to share it. I’m not sure if I’m allowed to post the link but if you use a search engine, the title is exactly "Dealing With the Shame and Embarrassment After Infidelity" so copy/paste and it should be the top result.