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Changing Relationship/Sex Dynamic

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 awoel88 (original poster member #42641) posted at 7:27 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Hello all - coming here as I can't really talk to anyone in person about this, and haven't got myself a therapist yet. Hoping someone here has experienced the same or has some sound advice. Disclaimer in advance - sex details.

I've been with my husband for 12 years (just over 10 married). In the beginning, we were pretty adventurous sex-wise. We had sex frequently, experimented in public places. Frequent blowjobs, various positions, etc. He is/was very into filming our sexual encounters and I went along with it. It never really thrilled me, but I was willing to try it out, and I knew he liked it. At the time, it was fun. The relationship was newer, we had no kids, I was open to experimenting and trying new things... and it worked.

But fast forward over the years and I'm just not into doing the same things now. I'm older, the relationship is older - and having done the experimenting phase, I know what I like and don't like. Maybe it's more confidence or self-advocacy that comes with age, but I'm less willing to do things just to please him, or because he wants to.

This has become a real problem in our relationship. From his point of view, he says I've changed and I don't do any of the things I used to. He has told me he's unhappy with our sex life. A lot of the things he enjoys or has asked to do, I find uncomfortable, demeaning/degrading, or just not pleasurable for me. I don't really feel like going out of my way or getting uncomfortable for his benefit. I have, within the last 6 months or so, tried to put an effort into giving him what he wants - filmed encounters, facials, sending naked pictures/videos, but TBH I just don't enjoy it. And I don't know that it's something I want to continue doing. We have 3 children together, and established a life together, but I know this issue is eating away at things under the surface and will blow up if we cant find a way to deal with it.

So, I guess my question is just... what would you do? Has anyone found themselves in a similar situation? Needing some advice.

Me - 33, BS
Him - 44, WS
1 PA for 3 months (2013), multiple EA's (texting, pictures, calls, $$$ phone bills)
Dday - Nov 8th 2013
Married 06/2012
3 DD's - DOB 2012/2014/2019
Attempting R

posts: 73   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8756232
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 12:30 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I recommend a site called "weshouldtryit" dot com.

It's a series of questions you each answer separately (for less pressure) and then tells you results where you have areas that you both agree you'd like to do more, or experiment with. Anyway, this might get you guys to find ways to improve your sex life that BOTH of you would want/benefit from.

Now, that said, if you just don't like giving BJs and he really likes BJs, it can be a bit of an impasse. This is purely an example, but a common enough one, and happens to be a minor disagreement between my wife and I. Early in a relationship, BJs seem to just happen more often. Is it a conscious difference between mate acquisition and already having locked someone down? Is it subconscious? Is it just a trend? Is it not a trend at all and I am just imagining things? I don't know. What I do know is that my wife doesn't really like giving them, but when we were dating there was a specific occasion where she gave two to completion in one day. Every once in a while she does just happen to be in the mood to give one and I enjoy it when she does. However, I would never demand one, and "putting one in for the team" is not a turn on for me. If she's not into it, I won't be into it.

I like BJs, but they aren't by any means a need for me. I would never tell my wife "I'm upset with our sex life because I get less BJs than I would prefer". It would be like being upset with my daily driver because it doesn't do 0-60 in 3 seconds. Fun sure. Necessary, no. It's not really a point of contention, and when I do nice things for her, we joke that she can put another BJ in my BJ bank, which is a fictional account full of banked BJs that I never get to withdraw from.

What we do have, is a solid understanding of each other's preferences and a goal for us to have a mutually enjoyable sex life. That's much more important than the issues around any given sex act.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 2091   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8756274
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 awoel88 (original poster member #42641) posted at 1:42 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Thanks for the reply - will check out the website. Sounds like it would be helpful.

We do something similar to what you mentioned (you do something nice, and get a BJ in the "bank"), except he sometimes gets upset when I don’t hold up my end of the bargain. Like, for example - I got to go away for the weekend to visit friends and he stayed home to watch the kids, and I agreed to send some naked pictures/videos as payment. It becomes a real point of contention if I don’t, and I sort of resent that. Like it’s fun to do it if I’m feeling great about myself and I’m the mood to send a few racy pictures, but the idea of filming something doesn’t really appeal to me. I dunno. Doesn’t seem to bother him that I’m only doing it for him, even if he knows I don’t enjoy it.

Me - 33, BS
Him - 44, WS
1 PA for 3 months (2013), multiple EA's (texting, pictures, calls, $$$ phone bills)
Dday - Nov 8th 2013
Married 06/2012
3 DD's - DOB 2012/2014/2019
Attempting R

posts: 73   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8756280
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 2:38 AM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

I got to go away for the weekend to visit friends and he stayed home to watch the kids, and I agreed to send some naked pictures/videos as payment.

Does he see no issue with the transactional nature of your sex life? I can’t see how that wouldn’t be a massive turnoff to anybody. sad

I’m sorry you’re in this situation.

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6388   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8756286
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 awoel88 (original poster member #42641) posted at 2:12 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Darkness falls - no I guess not. When we first started making these "deals" it was all lighthearted and kind of a fun way to spice things up (like I knew I didn’t HAVE TO do anything, it was like a sexy game)… but it’s now sort of morphed into something else.

Me - 33, BS
Him - 44, WS
1 PA for 3 months (2013), multiple EA's (texting, pictures, calls, $$$ phone bills)
Dday - Nov 8th 2013
Married 06/2012
3 DD's - DOB 2012/2014/2019
Attempting R

posts: 73   ·   registered: Mar. 3rd, 2014   ·   location: Canada
id 8756340
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sisoon ( Moderator #31240) posted at 4:47 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Take this with several grains of salt. I don't understand your H's desires, because they're very different from mine now and from my desires at any time in my adult life. But ...

Some women on SI have said they like BJs; some have said they don't. I have every reason to believe them. Some members have said they like certain other activities; some say they don't. I have every reason to believe them, too.

So I understand conflict over sex. If that's what is going on, a good MC can help, if they're good at helping couples resolve conflicts.

I think part of what you're experiencing is definitely a conflict over sexual desires, but there may be more going on with your H. How is your H treating his addiction(s)? White-knuckling? AA or other 12-step program? IC?

I just don't understand trying to bring porn scenes to life, and it looks to me like that's some of what your H wants. Porn is a fantasy that is nowhere near as good as real life, if you have a partner who loves you and is in decent health. So I think something may be going on in your H's head that is hurting him, and you, too. A good IC could help him, depending on what's going on inside.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 4:50 PM, Wednesday, September 21st]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 27569   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8756374
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emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 5:29 PM on Wednesday, September 21st, 2022

Like, for example - I got to go away for the weekend to visit friends and he stayed home to watch the kids, and I agreed to send some naked pictures/videos as payment. It becomes a real point of contention if I don’t, and I sort of resent that.

By making it transactional, you've made this a job rather than a fun sexy thing to do that you mutually enjoy. It is now work/a chore and its no wonder you no longer enjoy it. At this point you're not doing it to make him (or yourself) happy, you're doing it to avoid a fight.

Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 6 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
5 years (and two toddlers) into R. Happy.

posts: 986   ·   registered: Apr. 7th, 2017
id 8756385
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