It's been a while since I've been here. My divorce happened 3 years ago - separated almost two years prior to that. One year after the divorce, I dipped my toe into OLD and found I was not ready. Fast forward another year; I tried OLD again and met a great guy! We are dating just over a year. He is a BS like me and married even longer than I was.
We get along in many ways and our differences do not cause issues. My children, who are young adults, have met him and like him very much as does my extended family. He is retired and I still work so we spend week days apart which we are fine with. The weekends are 100% spent at my house since I still have my youngest at home - an intellectually disabled young adult who he has accepted as part of the "package". He is very kind to her and we enjoy our weekends together.
Lately it has started to bother me that while we spend every weekend at my home, he does not contribute to the home. Now don't get me wrong, we enjoy each other very much. But the reality is that my child support/alimony mostly supports my home expenses, i.e., utilities and food. He freely helps himself to whatever is here and does his laundry here weekly. Initially it did not bother me in the least. In many ways he is very generous to both me and my child. The truth is that we don't live together full-time so we don't share expenses.
I approached him a month or so about this and he seemed surprised. He also got a bit defensive - more in demeanor than in words. He responded with "well I take you and Susie (my daughter) out to eat at least a few times a month so it all evens out. My response was that while yes he did do that in my mind that was more about our dating life than evening out our expenses. When I asked if he didn't "live" here on the weekends would he not take me (and yes sometimes my daughter) out? Financially he is more set than I am. There have been a few times when I've treated us to a meal out - at my invitation - and he has always accepted. Then he'll tell stories about how his daughter might offer to take him out to eat and he refuses because it's too expensive. For the record she's in her late 30's married and both spouses have successful careers.
My guess he is clueless on this matter. If we could stay at his place, I'm confident he would be find if we acted like he does at my home. He paid for my daughter and myself to fly to his summer home and he treated us very well. His house was our house and it was a lovely week.
Since I mentioned this to him, I've noticed the he brings some groceries here on the weekend soI feel some movement on the issue but still when he walks into my pantry and starts rummaging through it I feel my spine stiffen. Or when he empties my laundry from the dryer into a heap in a basket so he can do his, I bristle. Am I just selfish? I want him here and I want him to feel comfortable but at the same time it is my home, not ours. His behavior indicates he thinks it's ours.
When we stayed with him I always asked to use something or take something. That's who I am. When I stay at someone's home I always bring something. Even at his vacation home we brought him "treats" we know that he likes as a gesture of gratitude.
He will talk about us getting married and while that is not off the table for me it would take a while to get to that place. I like our arrangement, minus the afore mentioned and don't want to change our status. Honestly, money is the big reason I'd hold off on getting married. I don't make a lot at my job (I'm there for the health benefits). I get way more in support from my ex-husband and a lot of that would go away if I remarried. Plus I have a trust set up for my children and I would could not change my will due that and a guardianship in place for my daughter. Financially it is complicated for me.
Am I being selfish? Not ready for a committed relationship? I don't want to end my relationship and think this could be worked out. There is a lot of good in our relationship. Any insight is appreciated :)