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Newest Member: Stark

Just Found Out :
When cheating stems from addicton/trauma/compulsion

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annb ( member #22386) posted at 8:26 PM on Wednesday, September 7th, 2022

l that being said, I think i'm just having a hard time with so many reconciled people urging me to cut my losses and run when it seems like so many have not

?

^^^I stayed. Why? I had three children, 30 years of honest history, and a life that was so entwined. We had a rock solid foundation even though he shattered it. You really have no foundation to build on. There was never honesty or faithfulness, always another woman/women in your relationship that you were unaware of. sad You were sharing him the entire four years.

My WH had one affair. Slept with OW once, EA lasted a couple of years, they worked on opposite coasts.

Your partner has been deceiving you from day 1 so you've been living a lie the entire time. This is who he is despite some recent changes....it takes YEARS to heal from infidelity. Your partner has a lifetime of deception, and it may just take a lifetime to change, if he ever does. IMO if you stay, your life is going to be years of stress, hyper-vigilance and anxiety.

Again, IC is highly recommended to help you figure out how you want to proceed no matter which path you choose.

I'm so sorry he put you through this.

posts: 11617   ·   registered: Jan. 10th, 2009   ·   location: Northeast
id 8754244
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allusions ( member #25376) posted at 5:51 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

I just hate the idea of losing the life I created. I hate that I will have to expose this secret. I hate the idea of everyone coddling me like a child when they hear what happened to me, or looking at me like a victim- I don't 'want any attention from this!

If you do decide to leave him, there is no reason that you have to expose his secret if you choose not to. Your explanation to family and friends, co-workers, etc can be as simple as "We found that we are incompatible" or "There were behaviors on his part that made continuing the marriage impossible" or if you decide to give a little more info: "He was unfaithful and I decided to end the marriage." If anyone asks for more information you can just say, "I really don't want to discuss it." You don't have to tell anyone about the prostitutes, sex abuse, his therapy, etc. It's your choice what you tell people, and you don't have to tell anyone about anything if you don't want to.

You can apologize over and over, but if your actions don't change, your words become meaningless.

Behind every crazy bitch is a sweet girl who just got tired of being lied to.

I've found the key to happiness: Stay away from assholes.

posts: 1978   ·   registered: Sep. 1st, 2009   ·   location: California Central Coast
id 8754823
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:37 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

Someone who cheats for the entirety of the relationship with you has more issues than just being married to or with a cheater.

There are deeper issues. More challenging to overcome sometimes.

Many serial cheaters just never stop cheating for whatever reason.

Just providing the benefit of our experience. So you can make an informed decision.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 12542   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8754828
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 6:56 PM on Sunday, September 11th, 2022

he told me it was "just what she wanted to hear"

You will never know if he's doing the same to you.

posts: 4672   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8754832
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Crazytrain101 ( member #48200) posted at 4:01 PM on Tuesday, September 20th, 2022

Secretsout,
I am firstly so sorry your going through this best community here bar none. I'm going to speak to you with full honesty because you are a strong woman.

I have been married to my husband for 15 years, seemingly great guy, hard worker, good provider, took on helping me raise 2 children from a previous marriage and we had 2 more, no drugs or drinking, gambling etc.

I knew his back story, dad died when he was 4, raise by grandparents who openly watched porn with him there, mom was a drug addict, was morbidy obese as a child, grandmother was physically abusive, basically that's it in a nutshell a train wreck of a childhood.

In his teen years he lost like 200 pounds from what he said was "dieting", flash forward married 6 years I found out he had "ONE' affair, a polygraph scheduled turned into 13 OW, none which he said he paid although the proof was daming.

We reconciled (I had small children) signed a post-nuptial with infidelity clause giving me the lion's share of the financial pie.

Flash forward to last week, my husband has once again been caught cheating with multiple women again, EVEN with the post-nuptual agreement on the table.

He went to therapy after the first round of cheating was exposed, he spilled his story, the psychologist says he could be a safe partner with work.

Now here's the facts, my husband has had buliema for 25 years, he has a sex addiction and in my heart of hearts I know he was sexually abused although he will never admit it.

My point (I know FINALLY right!?!?) I felt so bad for him, his childhood, his pain that I stayed. I stayed and thought he would change, guess what he isn't going to change.

It's okay to care for him as a person but he likely will never be safe, why do this to yourself? We aren't required to stay and invest with people who are capable of endangering us with STD's just because they have suffered. We won't receive any awards for sticking with these people but we will end up hurt again.

I will say there are lots of us here who gave it a chance a one time hook up with an ex, isn't what you & I are dealing with, our others are sex addicts stemming from childhood abuse, that's not as simple as a bad error in judgement on a business trip with a lady at a bar (NOT that this is acceptable either) This is a obsessive addiction stemming from a deep rooted mental illness. There is far more success reconciling with the partner who makes a horrible choice but that is not OUR case.

We care for people that are badly damaged, we can love them but not at the expense of our health, safety and hearts. (Regardless of using protection each time-there's other diseases that can occur--and protection can break duh

Please look at the severity of his problem in totality and understand you can support him from a distance as a friend but that is it.

Let my story save you from being back here as I am. I thought mine could be saved if I loved him through it and he can NOT. Saving yourself now is the right choice.

6 years ago-found out he was a serial cheaterReconciled-2015 Back again September 2022 as WH is a cheater again Heading to Divorce

posts: 1749   ·   registered: Jun. 10th, 2015   ·   location: Ohio
id 8756197
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