Cookies are required for login or registration. Please read and agree to our cookie policy to continue.

Newest Member: trustingyou

New Beginnings :
He’s remarried.

default

 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 1:40 AM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

He’s remarried. I knew it was likely only a matter of time and I wondered how I would feel when it happened - and especially given that I haven’t been on the first date, have no interest in that.

I think I feel nothing…though my brain still seems to be struggling with it and I don’t quite understand that. I’ve asked myself all kinds of internal questions - what if he did this? What if he did that? I keep coming back to the same thing…there’s no heartbeat there.

And somehow that feels…strange. Not a bad strange…and I don’t really know why I’m posting - other than to try to figure out why my heart has seemingly resolved it but my brain is still trying to put pieces together. Not just all the past…but also my current (lack of) response.

Idk…maybe I got to "meh" without seeing the road signs along the way so that just leaves me questioning if I’m really in Mehville. Maybe I expected my arrival to be more glorious - red carpet and the key to the city. Or maybe this is what Mehville is - where you really just don’t give a shit…and perhaps not giving a shit is just simply, well, boring. I don’t know. Maybe I’m just processing that he really is exactly what I learned he is because he did exactly what I expected him to do (in SO many ways!). Maybe I’ve been validated in my perceptions…and since it’s seems to no longer be speculation, I now have to actually process that the picture is really a true and accurate depiction.

I have one last logistical piece to get in place before I can completely cut him out of my life. (It’s what led to this discovery.). I wonder if that’s the hanging chad in my brain…if cutting him out completely (even when just that tiny sliver is all that remains) will be what finally frees my brain to really empty that trash bin. You know, the place you move your computer files to but leave hanging out in there until you finally have the conviction to be sure - yes, I really do want to permanently delete all of this stuff.

And then I wonder too - have I not really moved on? Do I really have no interest in dating….or am I really just too wounded, too much in self-protection, to do that? Does this stick with me because it makes me feel he has moved on and I haven’t?

I’ve examined that so much and I just don’t think that’s the issue. I just have no interest in dating…and I absolutely have great reserve about sharing my time, space, and everything else in my life. I like where I’ve landed; my life is calm, content, and entirely my choice with little consideration for someone else’s needs or wants. I’m enjoying this freedom immensely and sincerely. I’m sure if my person showed up one day I could make the concessions and also enjoy that immensely too. I’m just not interested in kissing even one frog to get there…not sure I would even do it if I knew, with certainty, kissing that one frog would ultimately get me there. So in that regard, I’m questioning if this thing I’ve longed for and worked toward so many years is even something I actually EVER really wanted - and especially now that *I* have become my person, if that makes sense.

I’d just like for my brain to quit kicking in the door, graffiting the walls, and leaving me a mess to clean up. I just wish it would let ALL of it go…poof. I’ve had moments where that has happened - one was an unexpected text and I was literally trying to figure out who was this (ex’s name) that was texting me. And once I realized it was him, I didn’t read the text and literally forgot about it for the rest of the day. So when it pops up this is something that genuinely takes me by surprise - and that pisses me off that it still has the ability to do that.

I don’t know my point or what I’m needing. I guess maybe to know if anybody else still struggles with aspects of this and any tips to overcome it. Geesh, for so long it seemed my heart was the enabler and my brain the stronger one. I really didn’t know what to do with this dynamic now!

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8913   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8752615
default

leafields ( member #63517) posted at 2:26 AM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Oh, wow - have you been in my head? I think it's because you've been in Mehville and didn't realize it yet.

My XWH got remarried in July. For awhile it bothered me that he could replace me so easily after 30+ years. But, there's no way I was going back to that M, and he wasn't going to change.

My SIL mentioned something about a wedding, and it took me a little to realize she meant XWH. I laughed because I'd put it out of my mind. That's when I knew I was out of infidelity.

Maybe what you're after is if you're normal? I think you are because I could have written this.

I totally understand you and I get it.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1334   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8752625
default

 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 3:01 AM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Maybe what you're after is if you're normal? I think you are because I could have written this.

I totally understand you and I get it.

Thank you for this, Lea…and I do think you’re right, that I just needed to know I wasn’t alone. I find it harder to talk about IRL because friends seem to interpret it as not being completely over him. And while I’m willing to consider that, it also feels like it’s missing the core context of what I’m actually struggling with.

I swear, it feels like a monkey on my back (and I now fully understand that expression!). So long as I’m busy, just doing my everyday life, the monkey is satisfied. It’s just in the quietest of times that it pipes up and says, hey…you do know that he got remarried, right? Wonder if he’s going to be different with her? You say you’re ok but then why am I bothering you?

It literally feels so outside of myself that I’ve looked into energy work - like there’s some sort of soul attachment or psychic bond. I truly don’t know how much stock to put in that but the times I’ve done energy work or cord cutting it seems to help. For a while. And that part is starting to creep me out - both that it seems to help AND that it returns. shocked

I know I felt this after my first XH died - despite the fact we had been divorced for over 10 years! I just felt this dark force around me - and like this current situation, it very much seemed to be able to penetrate my life in unexpected ways/times. It freaked me out because he seemed to have more access to me through death than he did in the physical realm. But after about a year that just disappeared - as quietly as it arrived. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It all frustrates me. But it also creeps me out.

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8913   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8752628
default

leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:56 AM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

I get that. My XWH is a covert narcissist, so that adds to some of my issues.

While I sometimes think that he'll be great for his new family, he's not going to change.

For me, I want everybody to be a decent human being and treat everybody with respect. It's tough to realize that some people are just soulless.

That's where meditation helped. I have access to Headspace and the teachers have said that just because you have a thought, it doesn't mean it's true. Acknowledge it, but you don't have to stay attached to that thought. It helps me process, because I can think about it and consider if the thought is something to consider or if it's just a wandering thought.

Another perspective is, could that feeling of darkness be depression? I had post-partum depression with 2 of my sons, and could feel something sitting on my shoulders and holding me down. I took meds for awhile. I mention this because after awhile, it felt like the weight lifted and flew away.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1334   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8752632
default

 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 1:58 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

I know this probably seems weird to say, but I don’t necessarily feel like these thoughts/questions are actually mine. I was privy to info post-D that really confirmed to me that he had been behaving the same way all of his adult life. I really feel like those questions are resolved…so it’s more a feeling of - ugh, not this again! Just leave me alone already. I literally ask my brain, why are we doing this again?

And yes, I do agree and recognize that it’s terribly hard to accept that some people are just missing the core components of a soul! When you actually come to that revelation, it’s disorienting on a much larger level.

I’ve explored the depression piece and just don’t think it fits because I am largely very happy otherwise. It’s more annoying than it is really oppressive, if that makes sense. Feel like there’s some final piece I may need to resolve internally but I just can’t seem to uncover it. That’s why I’ve started to question if it’s maybe energetic.

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8913   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8752649
default

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 5:02 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

truthsetmefree, your musings sound familiar, and I hear your perplexity, too.

Maybe something I can share from my experience will click with yours, or maybe not. (But here goes, anyway!)

I found it helped me turn off my marital relationship radar when I started cultivating a deeper relationship with my personal Lord (I'm Christian.) The weird thing about this discovery was, that I'd thought all along I had that spiritual relationship "covered," you know? But when I was left flattened by infidelity, I discovered there was a whole personal dimension I hadn't been truly "living." It's as though I'd been a "book knowledge" girl, versus becoming a woman - and also connecting back to the young girl I once was - who really depends on daily contact with her Lord.

My late sister went through the same kind if spiritual shift after divorcing her sex addict husband. At the time, I thought she was perhaps doing a little over-compensation. Maybe, but I think we women were created for relationship and this solo flying can be the gnawing aspect of our New Beginning.

So that has quieted my mind a lot (still a work in progress!)

I wish for you to find that peace!

posts: 1501   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8752676
default

 truthsetmefree (original poster member #7168) posted at 5:36 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Ok, Superesse…your message just gave me goosebumps (the good kind)!

This nudge has been in my spirit for some time…spirituality has been in my awareness for some time now - really since all the affair stuff came to light. I very much feel this has been about a spiritual journey for me…and have regarded this process as such from an early stage. While raised in religion it was still a considerable jump for me to actually move into the spiritual component that often gets ignored or even obliterated through man’s mental (and societal, cultural) adulteration of it. Just what you are describing - I think - as we move from knowledge to real understanding - and from practice to soul incorporation. Reading about the dark night of the soul has also brought me a lot of comfort and encouragement - that this is not necessarily some form of human dysfunction but a process that’s taking place on a much higher and deeper plane. I do feel like there was an evil present in both my marriages - the last one being from a much darker realm (which feels strange to say because I don’t necessarily see HIM as evil…it was just something that had gotten a foothold in his life and through that maybe gained one in mine.). I don’t feel threatened by this…I feel annoyed, tethered by it - which is why I’ve considered it being an energetic component. But as I stated earlier, energy work helps but it doesn’t seem to absolve it. (I will tell you because I think it’s important here to the conversation that when I did some energy work early after separation, the healer advised that I had demonic attachments. That totally freaks me out - even to say it now. I also sensed that it troubled her some - not that she was really afraid…just that it seemed large to her. I definitely sensed apprehension - and that was before she actually told me.)

I guess the point that I’m making is that I have wondered if I needed to call in a higher power. Not that I don’t do that…but that maybe I need to go deeper into that as the resolve. I’ll admit that since the feeling of a dark night of the soul has finally lifted, I’ve been hesitant to "get on God’s radar" again. But perhaps this is what is being asked of me now - and I think I am pretty close to ready to suit up again.

Thank you for following what I’m guessing was your prompting here. ❤️

Hope has two beautiful daughters; their names are Anger and Courage. Anger at the way things are, and Courage to see that they do not remain as they are. ~ Augustine of Hippo

posts: 8913   ·   registered: May. 18th, 2005
id 8752686
default

Superesse ( member #60731) posted at 8:29 PM on Sunday, August 28th, 2022

Oh truth, I offered a prayer for you today and I also asked Him if what I shared was too personal for an internet forum. You see, I wasn't going to chip in with my thoughts, until I read your second post. That's when I felt the strong nudge to share, because I too was like a ship at sea for such a long while....free to go wherever but...sorta rudderless? I am not surprised about the influences, by the way. Most moderns don't understand how this is another spiritual dimension - but just ask anyone who has been through it. It's real!

And there are so many counterfeits in the world that can seduce our child-like soul into following their paths. I am leery of the "energy work" for that reason, to be honest. A great quote that came to my mind was "Our hearts were made for You, O Lord, and they are restless until they rest in Thee." (Augustine of Hippo, notorious pagan hedonist who had a life-changing spiritual experience and became a great influence on Western theology. In my church, today just happens to be his special day - but that quote wasn't even mentioned. It just seems to fit the situation!)

From your response, I'm pleased that I got up the nerve to post here about this. Sometimes things get stripped away from us so we can take inventory and that's sure what happened to me and is still. of course, an ongoing journey to understand my purpose in life.

posts: 1501   ·   registered: Sep. 22nd, 2017   ·   location: Washington D C area
id 8752704
Cookies on SurvivingInfidelity.com®

SurvivingInfidelity.com® uses cookies to enhance your visit to our website. This is a requirement for participants to login, post and use other features. Visitors may opt out, but the website will be less functional for you.

v.1.001.20220905 2002-2022 SurvivingInfidelity.com® All Rights Reserved. • Privacy Policy