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Now that I am ( anxiously) awaiting separation I’m trying to see what costs I can cut. I realize that I have some recurring monthly expenses from trying to stay married.

He never helped with housework, when I was working p/t and the kids were little or when I was working f/t. I used to get soooo frustrated but I listened to Dr. Laura say, "don’t divorce your husband over housework" and others telling me to " let it go" I’d try that but couldn’t, we’d get into fights. His solution? Hire a housekeeper. Expense #1

Ditto yard work. I recall being eight months pregnant and mowing the lawn, ignore, fight then gardener. #2

Anything that needs to be fixed around the house. Am I going to go on You Tube and figure it out while he watches tv? Handyman #3

Painting. I painted the house while he watched, painted the huge deck every year. His solution to the deck was actually a great one, Trex. But in anticipation of selling the house I’ll pick up a brush again instead of him calling Painter #4.

Here’s an expense that is the first and hardest to cut; WH’s best friend’s wife started working at a car dealership and needed to do a lease deal. I fell on the sword: BMW #5

I’ve been gaining weight and need to lose for my own sake ( come on divorce stress!) as well as having that "he’ll cheat on me" thought in my head. We couldn’t agree on putting a lap pool/ endless pool in so, Club membership #6.
WH doesn’t cook, he can but doesn’t. After he retired I’d be driving home from work at 5:30 and he’d call to ask me what’s for dinner? We have kids, they gotta eat. I love to cook, I just start to resent it so Dinners out all the time #7.

We used to go camping. Kids and dogs love camping ( my son is camping now). But WH gained weight and snores too loudly, none of us can sleep. It takes a lot of prep and he doesn’t want to do it so Hotel vacations with Dogsitters #8.

Look at what I’ve spent to keep my sanity with him. I worry about affording my own place but going through this I see I can cut about $2500 a month and that’s not including cutting the tv cable bill.

Sending positive thoughts your way.

I too paid the cost of attempting to stay married.

Now I have a great deal of peace, lightness, and prosperity.

I still need to drop (however many pounds my can't be ex soon enough is).

Good for you!

I’m glad to hear that! I plan to do the same.

I am a planner by nature. I don't know if it is because I grew up with a European mother who always warned of bad times coming or my time as an army officer, but I need to have options in place before I start anything, a plan A, B, C,and D.

What really helped me was doing a series of financial "what if" excel spreadsheets. The CRA provides a free template for expenses and you just fill in the blanks. I have a half different versions of these, from renting an apartment to buying to what retirement might look like. They have really helped me feel better about being able to survive on my own. They have also shown me where I can and cannot cut expenses and how much extra work I need to take each year.

The prospect of being on my own scared the crap out of me, but having grown up poor, I knew how to live with very little. I'm coming up on three full years on my own and it's not bad. I was even able to save enough to go on a vacation this year. For me, the side hustles I do have been life saving. When I'm not teaching, I do contract work, drive wine tours, and even use a rideshare app to offset the cost of gas for weekends away.

You sound like you were better off than I was, but I think the advice applies. No amount of money was worth having my heart break every time I woke up in the morning. It was agony. No one should live like that. I cannot tell you how peaceful my life is now. I may not have my own bedroom but I also wake up each morning without my abuser beside me.cant put a price on that!

As you detox from your M, you may discover things were a lot worse than you thought and you put up with more than you should have by subsidizing your WS's behaviors. Good luck.

That’s great advice. I’m definitely going to do this. I’m glad you had a vacation!!

We do hear from lots of members in the Separation/Divorce forum that they were super worried about making ends meet and then happily surprised by how much easier it is to do so when they've split up with a big spender. There's a thread pinned at the top of that forum, btw, called "Fear vs. Reality" and you might find quite a number of those people posting in it.