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Newest Member: trustingyou

Just Found Out :
Completely Lost

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Loukas ( member #47354) posted at 6:16 AM on Sunday, August 7th, 2022

Completely lost, crushed, devastated, shocked, destroyed and most importantly, empty. Was how I felt the day I found out my ex was cheating.

I’m sorry you find yourself here, BetrayedDad, my heart goes out to you.

First and foremost, you need to know, her cheating, had/has nothing to do with you. Often in betrayal the wayward spouse begins blaming the faithful spouse for a lack of something. Whether it be unmet needs, lack of appreciation/affection, emotional connection, etc. It’s all bullshit. Your wife and only your wife made the choice to cheat. If she hit someone with a car and you were at home, you wouldn’t be to blame. There is no difference in this situation, except that her choice now has an immeasurable impact on your current life and future to come

I highlight that because you are still so fresh to betrayal, and if the blame hasn’t come yet, it will. They always do. We have a term for it, blameshifting. Don’t allow yourself to fall for it.

But what concerns me the most is you blaming yourself. I have no idea if you are in fact doing that, and it could be me projecting, but I know for me, I was desperate to save my marriage. Which led me to blaming myself for her straying. Because if I was to blame, than I could fix what was wrong and ultimately, save the marriage I was so desperate to save.

If you hear anything from the responses you get , please let it be this - take care of yourself, first and always, then your kids. Your wife can wait, no amount of backflips will guide her back and none of them will benefit you.

Try and get as much sleep as possible. Excerise, a half hour walk a day is better than nothing. Make sure to prioritize food and water, even if you don’t feel like it.

Take care of your, BetrayedDad. Once, I’m terribly sorry.

posts: 1858   ·   registered: Mar. 29th, 2015   ·   location: The school of hard knocks
id 8748589
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 1:28 AM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

I decided to be reasonable, talk things through and let things heal. People can change and after listening to me I though he was go8ng to try.

What happened was more lies, more calls, more texts, meetups when I was away.

People are caught up in an emotional trap of their own making. She's addicted to the brain excitement.

How she goes to full stop, new job, no lies, all questions answered is for her to decide. She won't decide? She's like mine was.....never will put me above his selfishness.

Does not matter in the least what she says....bla bla bla......what counts is what is she going to do right now and going forward.

Please don't be scared. I was scared. Blamed myself. Wanted the old days back again. Loved him and was scared to be alone. I know you love your kids and want the best for them.

Why she decided to leap off the edge with this hurtful risky behavior I don't know. Mine did crazy stuff too. Don't accept anything but an end to all of it. You're not policing her either. Nope, she's done with it or you tell her she's an abuser. The trauma is awful. You are suffering.

She's in a selfish mindset. Hard to say if she will snap out it or not. She's got it pretty good in a safe place and having her fun. You tell her what it is.

Unfair
Ugly
Abusive
Ungrateful
Humiliating
Causing you extreme stress and putting you at risk for illness
Hurting your kids future and mental health

All this so she can have her fun times

How will she answer to this?

Stand up for yourself. It took me to long to see it. I got used to getting less. My self 3steem was way down. But it came back. I said I deserve more.

I was a great partner. Didn't deserve to be treated that way. You must speak up for yourself. I was so very sad and small. Talking with a small voice. Then I stood up and said clearly. This is wrong and you will not use me this way.

Then life changed. I began to heal and grow stronger. I did not blame myself. I focused on myself and my happiness.

Don't let her keep this up. She decides now who she wants to be.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2388   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8749971
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 2:10 AM on Thursday, August 11th, 2022

You are not lost. You are in crisis. You are still you. Still the good loving person you always were. Beautiful, trusting, caring, giving person.

Keep focused on healing yourself. You heal yourself first. If she can't feel the immense pain your in then shame on her. You tell her you are going to have a partner who puts you first. Values you.

Throwing her life away showing off her body for bs praise. It's sad isn't it?

Maybe she can find herself again. I hope she can. I hope she'll wake up and see the truth of it. Show her what's right. They know. They know down deep. Souls don't like to live in deceit and shame. Souls prefer love and honesty and joy. Life is so good when your soul lives wrapped in love and joy and respect.

Living in lies and cheap thrills is like being in a sick sad body all the time. There's no real happiness or peace. There's no growth in selfish using and taking. You can't shine. Tell her she's losing real happiness for something that's gone tomorrow. Then all 5hats left is thoughts of sadness and regret and shame. No way to live. No way to find peace or joy.

Regardless, you are going toward that goal. Real health, real joy, real love. Please know you will come through these dark times. Look through the storm and trust in yourself. You will grow so much and be a help to others in the future. There is so much ahead for you. Use this time to think about what you really want in life. Be the person you know you can be. Use this moment to leave behind the things that did not help you grow.

The sad thoughts will come. Let them go gently. Give your mind a break now and then. Sit in a peaceful place and just breathe and feel the air. This sadness will not be forever. Find some bits of happiness in the day or even just low stress walks or music. Get a massage or swim.

I don't care now that my ws and his bestie did this or that. That pain is over. I care about the selfishness and the lies and turn8ng away from what we had. I care about he couldn't grow in spirit with me. That's the loss that hurts the most.

Trust in your goodness and build a life that brings you joy.

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2388   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8749973
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QuitePossible ( member #80726) posted at 7:16 PM on Monday, August 29th, 2022

Betrayed Dad...has there been any updates?

posts: 52   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2022   ·   location: East Coast
id 8752845
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pureheartkit ( member #62345) posted at 3:37 PM on Tuesday, August 30th, 2022

Hi good dad, how are you today?

Thank you everyone for your wisdom and healing.

posts: 2388   ·   registered: Jan. 19th, 2018
id 8752954
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HarryD ( member #72423) posted at 3:35 PM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

You have to get these two apart. If he’s her boss she has to talk to him. She must change jobs ASAP,
You must give her a month to get another job or leave. If she so HAPPY with her AP. Go be with him.
If she wants a marriage with you it’s NC with AP

posts: 114   ·   registered: Dec. 30th, 2019   ·   location: NY
id 8753126
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QuitePossible ( member #80726) posted at 4:27 PM on Wednesday, August 31st, 2022

If you inform the OBS, I bet AP will break it off with your WW.

posts: 52   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2022   ·   location: East Coast
id 8753145
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