Thank you all again for your feedback and comments. This process continues to be very helpful to me and your feedback is part of that. Respectfully, I won't comment on some topics because we're still going through this process and I don't want to commit one way or another.
I think I've said it, but it's worth saying again that I have considered us to be very happily married during these nearly 20 years since we reconciled. I realize now that happiness was based too much on my willingness to rugsweep everything. I think whether that's "R" or "false R" or whatever else you want to call it is semantics at this point. I'm not rewriting things to pretend that I haven't been happy. But I think we could have been happier.
Yes, we've had our ups and downs like any couple and I can see in retrospect that some of those have involved me fighting to keep my shame and anger tamped down. But there's no way I could have seen that at the time. I couldn't get there without going through this.
It's not like I've been pushing for the truth for 20 years. I didn't talk about it and I tried not to think about it. If she brought the topic up, I would tell her that there was no point in rehashing what we can't change. Again, that thinking was based on the belief that I what she had told me was true, even if I accepted that it was incomplete.
I think BSR's comment is relevant.
But I remember the terror inside my head and the mental tricks, bargaining, and compartmentalization I used before I found the strength to come completely clean. I remember the way I twisted things in my head to truly believe that I had been honest before D-Day 2 -- to even pat myself on the back that unlike other waywards, "at least I told the truth." Did that belief defy all logic and integrity? Absolutely... but that's what incompletely healed WS do.
I think this is very much the case. She did a lot of work on herself and became a better spouse in every respect. But without me holding her feet to the fire I'm sure that it was easy for her to convince herself that what she had told me was "true enough." She could honestly say that I didn't want to talk about it and simply overlook the fact that the basis for that attitude was my belief that what I knew was the truth.
On the topic of her activity here and whether she'll comment on it, I think it's important to say that there's a big difference between her obligation to be truthful with me and whatever obligation she has or had to this community. When she lied and told me that her A was physical "a few times" that was a breach of our vows and my already broken trust. But I think everyone here knows that the details in a poster's story might be changed. Whether it's preserve anonymity or avoid something particularly embarrassing or painful. If that detail isn't relevant to the point, changing it isn't really harmful. In that specific case I wasn't here to see it, and it really made little difference for her point to reader.
In other cases she was saying things that were not strictly true, but that she may have believed based on the kind of thinking that BSR talked about. "He didn't want details," is one such case. I don't believe that I ever said that I didn't want details. I was pondering the question as I tried to get answers and she was stonewalling me. She said that I didn't want details because I said, "I know what goes on in the bedroom between adults." But those were the words of our therapist in discouraging me from asking for details. If I ever said that, it was only in the context of mulling it over. But I gave in to her stonewalling and gave up way too soon. So it's not hard to imagine that she believed that was how I felt.
It's true that while she advised a lot of WSs to do the right thing even when it was hard, she avoided doing some of those things herself. She gave me credit for that, for not wanting details, for not continuing to dredge it up, and she was thankful for that. Deep down, I think she had a sense that she had taken advantage of my nature and manipulated that outcome, but it would take some real next-level, deep introspection for most WSs to admit that to themselves and act on it.
We haven't discussed this at length. These are questions that are outstanding in that last set of written questions, so I'm impatiently awaiting the answers.
[This message edited by Seeking2Forgive at 10:45 PM, Monday, August 1st]