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Newest Member: lrpprl

New Beginnings :
What limbo feels like

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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 1:18 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

Hi folks, it’s been a while since I posted, but I have been a silent reader all that time. Your wisdom and advice never fail to give me comfort smile

It’s been two years since my last LTR ended and it really feels like being single is the final chapter for me. I tried to date last year, and I did it with real commitment, going on lots of dates and playing the game. It wasn’t all bad, and I had fun with it, but ultimately, I found myself drained and empty, with nothing else to give. Especially after a relationship which showed great promise ended abruptly last November.

Weaning myself off dating has taken a while but I finally did it. I am standing on my own two feet, no longer seeking validation from another human being and trying to accept being alone, possibly for the duration, and find contentment in myself.

But boy it’s hard! I love the freedom, the sense of being in control, the limitless possibilities, and I certainly don’t miss the arguments, the compromises and the personality bending that being in a couple entails. But on an emotional level, something doesn’t feel quite right. I feel…awkward. I miss the companionship and intimacy and the feeling of being part of something bigger than just myself. But then I have to remind myself that being in a relationship is not necessary a synonym for all the above!

It really feels like I am stuck in a rut, not wanting to settle or risk yet another heartbreak but at the same time struggling to cope with this loneliness. I guess I just need to hear from you that this ambivalence of feeling is normal…and that it will settle eventually!

Thank you

[This message edited by Karmafan at 2:54 PM, Sunday, July 24th]

Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 638   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8747013
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Palmetto9213 ( new member #71217) posted at 2:38 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

I feel that same ambivalence-I have not been in a LTR since my divorce was final 2 years ago- despite being open and receptive and ready! At times, I began to question whether I was a 'serial dater'....after several dates with a guy, I would realize there were not enough common interests or enough physical attraction to warrant further investment of my time with that individual, and then I moved on to the next. So I too have weaned myself off the dating merry go round and I have found contentment in the great life I live. I AM enough! And you are too.....

BS-59Y/O Female
WS-66 Y/O Male
Married 13 years
Divorce finalized 6-22-20

"Darling-that soft spot you have for broken things is going to make you bleed"....but I decided I was not willing to bleed to death!

posts: 44   ·   registered: Aug. 8th, 2019   ·   location: USA
id 8747018
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 6:58 PM on Sunday, July 24th, 2022

I felt that way for a time, but now I am pretty content. I would love to be in a relationship, but now I am also comfortable being me and being alone. Just takes some time.

Me: BS 55 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64. D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA. Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4886   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8747048
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Healershaman ( new member #71482) posted at 12:19 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Its seven years in two week from finding out about her second affair.

I've dated but not been intimate in seven years. Wow. I just wrote that.

At least on Saturdays and Sundays I can do what ever I want.

I accept where I am, not worried about future. Just enjoying now. And now is a heck of a lot better than living with a lying cheater for twenty five years.

posts: 22   ·   registered: Sep. 5th, 2019   ·   location: New England
id 8747085
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ashesofkali ( member #56327) posted at 1:27 AM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

Yeah, I have those feelings of limbo too. I'm 52, no kids, live alone. It's been 2.5 years since I divorced my xWH. For a while, I was determined to get out there and date/find a new partner, because I thought that if I ended up single for the rest of my life, that would mean that xWH had somehow "won". Fortunately, at some point, I woke up and said FUCK THAT – who cares whether xWH wins, loses, or finally learns how to suck his own dick. Turns out he was forgettable all along; I just didn't realize it until now.

These days, I have a beautiful home and disposable income, 2 things I never had when I was married. I also have a high-dollar vibrator that meets my needs better than any casual sex ever did. True, I probably could get the same level of sexual satisfaction from a live human partner, but when I ponder the amount of effort and patience required to get to that level of intimacy with another person, my response is "Ugh, who has time for that?" The truth is, I have lots of time on my hands – I just prefer to spend it doing anything other than filling out some stupid online dating profile.

These days, I'm spending my free time writing a book about how to heal from infidelity. It might help somebody else someday. Regardless, it's helping me right now. Writing about my experience with infidelity has given me the opportunity to ask myself: What would my life have been like, if I had never married xWH? I'm very interested in seeing what the answer to that question is going to be. Because I get to live it now, y'know? I now have the opportunity to live my life as if I had never married that asshole, and I'm pretty sure that means my future's gonna be awesome.

Wishing you all the best, Karmafan. Hang in there. Don't let it get to you. It's entirely possible that you're entering the most amazing phase of your life so far. Give yourself permission to look at it that way. Hugs.

Me: 52yo former BW, divorced, no kids
Him: Deleted

posts: 124   ·   registered: Dec. 8th, 2016   ·   location: Where the wind comes sweepin' down the plain
id 8747090
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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 2:59 PM on Monday, July 25th, 2022

I began to question whether I was a 'serial dater'....after several dates with a guy, I would realize there were not enough common interests or enough physical attraction to warrant further investment of my time with that individual, and then I moved on to the next.


I know where you are coming from Palmetto. It's the person that I become when I am online dating that I don't like! I sometimes think of some of the guys I let down, perfectly decent and even great people who would have had my undivided attention IRL, but not good enough to hold my interest online. Pining instead for guys with shiny veneers and rotten cores. I don't want to be that person ever again.

I felt that way for a time, but now I am pretty content. I would love to be in a relationship, but now I am also comfortable being me and being alone. Just takes some time.


Thank you BB. I know I will feel better but it's all quite fresh. I was actually doing quite well but my resolve was tested when the guy who let me down last November, after three incredible months together, got back in touch a couple of weeks ago. That really triggered me badly. Fortunately for me he was just fishing and he disappeared (again) faster than Houdini!

At least on Saturdays and Sundays I can do what ever I want.


So true Healershaman. That and the fact that I can sleep on my bed horizontally, vertically and diagonally all in the same night laugh

Wishing you all the best, Karmafan. Hang in there. Don't let it get to you. It's entirely possible that you're entering the most amazing phase of your life so far. Give yourself permission to look at it that way. Hugs.


Thank you Ashesofkali, that really cheered me up and I hope you are right! I have been travelling so much in the last two years, more than I have ever done. I bought a new house and I have been promoted twice. I am healthy and fit and have some amazing friends and live in one of the best cities in the world. I have got so much going for me and I just need to learn to embrace it fully.

Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 638   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8747138
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cbgrace1980 ( member #64109) posted at 6:33 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

I know exactly how you feel. My feelings about being alone change every other day. I love the freedom too but then a few hours later I'm wishing I wasn't alone. Hang in there. I try to count my blessings and focus on what I do have. Thanks for sharing!

posts: 166   ·   registered: Jun. 12th, 2018
id 8747709
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 Karmafan (original poster member #53810) posted at 8:58 PM on Friday, July 29th, 2022

Cbgrace, it’s the rollercoaster I don’t like! One day feeling strong and on top of the world, the next wondering what’s the point of anything if I can’t share it with someone. I am on vacation right now, and I am finding it hard. All those happy couples….it shouldn’t bother me but it does. It didn’t help that ex from last year had the good sense to text me, the day I left. I really really liked and possibly loved that guy, but he let me down in the most despicable way. And now he’s back. And I have to be strong sad

Me 48 XWH Irrelevant D-day 23 Feb 163 amazing, resilient kids

You are not a drop in the Ocean, you are the entire Ocean in a drop

posts: 638   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2016   ·   location: UK
id 8747722
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