The thing with change and it's our biggest undertaking is the rewiring that must ensue. That's not some figure of speech, its practical and necessary work that involves making new connections in our brain. Its not going to happen in thought alone.. its real science and the only way to make these new connections is to be faced with the old and rather than taking the same path, you practice the new. You actually do the opposite of your knee jerk reaction. Of course you will need to be equipped with what new looks like, some understanding of the self and things like that. But it's not hard and you already know.
And the hard thing about it is that all the old comes with the comforts we tell ourselves that shields the unknown. Honesty (for me anyway), its the unknown that blocked me, the what ifs, the fear of stepping outside what I've always done.. learned behavior and whatnot.
But..these comforts will no longer serve us if change is truly what we seek. I can remember so very often I would be terrified of the new, scared for many reasons both real and imaginary. It involves putting ourselves out there when all we've ever reached for was hiding in the dark. It runs risk, we don't like risk if it runs uncertainty, uncomfortable feelings, and positions it might put us in. These risks are real you know? there's rejection, shame, loss of security, hurt feelings, all of that impacts us on some level and it keeps us restrained. It's kinda lose/lose though. Especially concerning this. Think of Newton's first law of motion. At rest stays at rest, in motion stays in motion. It applies.
You didn't want to trigger your wife, perhaps if you're honest maybe you didn't want to trigger your own backlash as well? Maybe a feeling of I'm going to be in trouble, BS is going to be mad at me and the whole situation again, hard conversations will arise, maybe the place yall were in was decent and didn't want to rock the boat. The list goes on for all of us as to why we can talk ourselves out of doing the hard thing and therefore staying in our comfort zones.
And what we fail to see time and time again is anything is better than a lie, or withholding info, or lies by omission. Literally anything..we have nothing to lose at this point and our BSs aren't stupid, in fact they are at their most heighten awareness, picking up on everything you are laying down, good bad and ugly. And when I say anything is better, I mean ANYTHING is better.
Courage can be hard to find. I know this all to well. There were times when I thought to myself if I say this out loud I just know thats it, this is the last straw. Or, if I bring this up its going cause major spiraling for BS, maybe I shouldn't. Or, I don't feel like going there right now. But all those excuses were to keep me in a false sense of security and comfort. Many times I just had to blurt it out or I would never speak the words. I would be honest and say I'm really just fucked up right now don't know what's up or down. I would also ease into it and say I would like to talk about something (that's the short version) and set a time very near in the future to discuss, that way it gives me time to get it together and also makes time to talk about it, can't take something like that back kwim? So it forces you to circle back.
I can also remember the feeling of doing that hard thing and what acting on courage felt like. I can access that feeling easier than I can remember the feeling of being scared. And it still propels me to this day to always do the hard thing and be as authentic as I can possibly be. We are so focused on short term gratification, that we don't even know what long term gratification brings into our lives. The shift is unreal.
Truthfully Bulcy, what really stopped you from speaking that truth? Seeing the outcome now, do you think it would have been easier on everyone if you were more forthcoming? You don't have to answer that here, but I implore you to spend some time on both outcomes, really think it through. Of course you can't really know what would have happened if you were honest about this, but maybe next time you stop your go to, your knee jerk, and you pause to do the hard thing and just see what happens. It might surprise you. Oh sure there may be a fight, there may be some uncomfortable feelings, but hey at least you won't be skirting ground zero again. In fact when its all said and done whether you feel it or not you're building trust back, you're building your confidence back. It benefits your BS but it doesn't touch what it can do for you.