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Newest Member: Stich

Wayward Side :
A short article for People Pleasers

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 hikingout (original poster member #59504) posted at 12:04 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Hello,

I wanted to share this link for my fellow recovering people pleasers. Mostly I just liked the little graphic because it's a nice "cheat sheet". Earlier in my WS journey, I had a hard time deciphering the motivations behind my behaviors. I believe any WS who wishes to recover has to spend a lot of time evaluating their motivations and boundaries. It's difficult when so much that we do is automatic - based on patterns and past experiences.

A lot of my struggles were figuring out what I was and wasn't responsible for, and noticing that I spent a lot of time trying to control the things I am not responsible for. I was responsible for being true and authentic with myself, and understanding that I had no control over anyone's reactions to it.

My people pleasing and perfectionism came from the belief that I wasn't enough on my own. I wasn't worthy of love just for being me. I spent a lot of time telling myself stories about "if I do this I will be more valuable". I thought if I did x, y, z, my husband would love or value me more. But the longer this went on the more I added to the list, until my own life became untenable because I was losing my sense of self until it reached critical mass.

The reality is, that was all manipulation and false sense of control. What I wanted was simple - to be seen, loved, and appreciated. These are things most people want. But, instead of just allowing it, I needed to control it because I didn't trust that I would receive it (because deep down I felt unworthy). The more I did, the more things got added that really had no value to my husband. Thus, the lack of appreciation would create more things in my list to keep chasing that acknowledgment, and increase my feelings that I would never be good enough.

This would have been true no matter who I chose for a spouse, and likely no matter which way I was being treated. Because the issues were internal, and in turn created my external reality. The more we pursue understanding our internal world and creating a new narrative, the more our external worlds will change. This means being very aware of our thoughts, our behaviors, what patterns they hold, where the patterns come from, and making different choices. That is where our true power is. Sometimes it means losing the relationship, sometimes it means rebuilding it, but for sure it means being in a better place moving forward.

Anyway, I hope this link is helpful as you sort through those issues for yourself.

Authentic Kindness Vs. People Pleasing

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[This message edited by Bigger at 2:42 PM, Tuesday, July 19th]

5 years of hard work
Reconciled
WS & BS

posts: 6132   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8745363
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 hikingout (original poster member #59504) posted at 12:13 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Also, If a mod happens to see this, please remove the stop sign. I think the site has changed a lot since I have been very active and I didn't see it was on or how I should have gone about taking it off. (I get that is a positive site change for a lot of our newer posters, I will just have to be more careful about it myself. Thanks!)

5 years of hard work
Reconciled
WS & BS

posts: 6132   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2017   ·   location: Arizona
id 8745365
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MIgander ( member #71285) posted at 1:03 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

Thank you for this, I needed that reminder (and others on the site) today!

WW/BW Dday July 2019. BH/WH- multiple EA's. Back at it again- bantering w the younger woman. Lied about blocking phone calls and deleted texts. Carried on with her.

Nothing changes if nothing changes.

posts: 773   ·   registered: Aug. 15th, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8745370
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 10:16 PM on Tuesday, July 19th, 2022

smile Stop sign removed. Also glad to see the link worked!
I’m not sure about the code after but don’t want to edit in case things go weird.

[This message edited by SI Staff at 10:18 PM, Tuesday, July 19th]

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15349   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8745441
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gmc94 ( Guide #62810) posted at 6:11 AM on Wednesday, July 20th, 2022

Love this down & dirty reminder - thank you HO! Hope you are well.

M >25yrs/grown kids
DD1 1994 ONS prostitute
DD2 2018 exGF1 10+yrEA & 10yrPA... + exGF2 EA forever & "made out" 2017
9/18 WH hung himself- died but revived

It's rude to say "I love you" with a mouthful of lies

posts: 3824   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2018
id 8745510
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