SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

We got into a fight today over text. I enrolled my two younger sons into daycare this weekend. I was a stay at home mom before this, and now they are going to go to daycare. And the amount of rage I feel at that is unreal. I am so furious that I don't get to be with them all day anymore. That I don't get to be the one to take care of everything for them. That someone else is going to be raising my babies.

I couldn't take it anymore. He said something about the affair being my fault because I was a shitty wife and I lost it. I went off on him with my truth. How I was pregnant and he put our baby's life in danger. How I was carrying everything and had begged him for help and he never did. How I was battling post partum depression and was afraid to tell him because I didn't want to add to his stress. How he was never there for me. He said some ugly things back of course, that's what he does.

I shouldn't have done it. I know better! New contact = new hurts. And he gets to hurt me with the new shit he said to me. Even when I feel like I'm standing up to him, it's pointless. He's not going to hear me. Even if he did, it would be for a half an hour and then he'd be back to blaming me. On some level, I think that in my mind, fighting with him at least keeps some kind of connection between us. How messed up is that? That I want to keep that connection between us even if its only through us fighting. Because I've been making so much progress on letting go. But to cut that last little bit is still so hard. To accept that even though we have kids together, we don't have a special bond anymore. That he is not my person. That I really do need to let go.

Maybe I just wanted him to know how mad I am. I've mostly kept my cool with him through this whole process. I haven't really shown him my rage. He even now will say things to try to get sympathy and I'm sick of it. I don't feel sorry for him, he's the one who caused this! And I'm in way more pain than he is.

Future, you are right about NC. And most have had to learn that a couple times- old habits and the desire to be heard are hard to let go of.

It sucks that you are in this position but I can tell that because you’re such an amazing mom that your kids are going to be just fine. Hang in there and just keep trying to be NC.

Today I feel like I have an emotional hangover from engaging with him like that. Feeling empty and lost.

Be more strict about the no contact. My ex is a lot like yours (but worse, believe it or not), and I've survived almost 15 years of shared custody with him via strict no contact. We were in a strictly email/text only about the child set-up until just last week, when I had to limit it even further to email only because he got nasty in a text, blaming me about things he is completely guilty of, very similar to what you just went through. You can't win an argument with crazy. You can simply disengage.

Usually things are great for me re-him because there really is no contact, and that feels wonderful. No more gaslighting, no more verbal abuse, no more things too crazy to go into here, no more being blamed for what a POS partner and father he is.

Drop-offs/pick-ups are not in person, but instead at a neutral public parking lot where the child walked between the cars while we stayed in our cars. I recommend that for you as soon as the kids are old enough to walk between two cars that are parked next to each other. Until then, I recommend still doing trading off kids in a neutral public place (leads to no emotional or power or other people issues re being at his house or yours), even if you have to walk them up to him until they're old enough to do it alone.

That someone else is going to be raising my babies.

You are 100% raising your children. Daycare is not a substitute parent, any more than their teacher at school will be a substitute parent. Having to work and use daycare isn't as pleasant as being a SAHM, I'm sure (like most mothers, I never even had that opportunity), but it doesn't make you any less of a parent.