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Divorce/Separation :
First Court Date

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 FuturewasStolen (original poster member #74119) posted at 2:02 AM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

We finally have our first court date coming up on Wednesday.

For a quick quick background: I found out about my STBXH's second affair in November 2021. I had previously found out about another and we tried for R, but obviously that didn't last because he was having his second affair at the same time. I told him right away in November that I was done. He moved out in January, and we've been sharing custody of our children since then.

Anyway, for the point of this post. Lately I had been making a lot of progress on myself and with healing. I felt like I finally admitted to myself that I didn't want STBXH back. Even if he turned around and worked on himself and begged me for another chance, the answer would be no. It should be an easy decision with everything he's put me through, but it's been hard to get there. It's me being able to accept that we will never be back together and that the future I dreamed of is never going to happen. There will be new dreams and a new future, but it will be different from what I expected.

Now, however, with the court date coming up, I feel like I am right back on that emotional roller coaster. The fear, the anxiety, the tears, and the depression are all back in full force. I am hardly keeping it together! We're meeting with a court referee who will decide things like custody and support for the time until we get a finalized divorce. My lawyer will be there with me and she's not worried. For me though, it's incredibly emotional. It's a very big step in making this divorce real. After this I assume we'll start the negotiations of the actual divorce agreement. It's hard for me to explain what I'm feeling in words, its so complicated. It's 5000 different emotions all at the same time.

Has anyone else felt this way once things have really gotten set in motion? I guess it's one thing to think about the divorce in abstract and to start to accept it. But it's another when it's actually happening and becoming real. At least for me. No part of me wants to stop the divorce. But I'm still devastated.

Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"

posts: 99   ·   registered: Mar. 30th, 2020   ·   location: Michigan
id 8744295
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leafields ( member #63517) posted at 3:19 AM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

Yes, it's normal. After I filed the paperwork, I sat in my car and cried. Still wasn't going to take XWH back.

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1238   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8744305
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ChewedMeUp ( member #8008) posted at 6:30 PM on Tuesday, July 12th, 2022

You grieve the end of the marriage and the end of the relationship. You accept that the person isn't who you thought they were, that things aren't going to be what you thought. And it's great that your healing is as far along as it is! Less contact makes it so much easier to happen.

But suddenly it's not all just in the rearview anymore - there's still bits of wreckage to pick through and clean up. The tornado that knocked your house down is over, but picking through what's left still sucks.

Grief isn't linear, and most of us in D/S find that while we may heal faster than the 2-5 for those that try to reconcile, it still takes a good year or more even from a clean break. It gets easier to find a clear path through the tornado wreckage, as you clean up, but it's still tough every time you have to go back in.

Feel what you need to feel, and know that each time it gets better, a little at a time.

BS - 40
DivorcED, finally.
2 Kids

posts: 619   ·   registered: Aug. 26th, 2005   ·   location: Baltimore, MD
id 8744404
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:42 AM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

It is definitely an emotional rollercoaster. I had to go to divorce classes with my ex, at the same time as he was there. That was very difficult. Because we had small children at the time, we were required to do everything to try and reconcile. They give you 6 months and these classes are a required part if you choose to separate.

Well, he cheated with 11 different women he told me about and he had an alcohol problem and he hit me / pushed me / threatened my life, so I needed the divorce for safety for my kids and myself.

posts: 299   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8747864
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