We finally have our first court date coming up on Wednesday.
For a quick quick background: I found out about my STBXH's second affair in November 2021. I had previously found out about another and we tried for R, but obviously that didn't last because he was having his second affair at the same time. I told him right away in November that I was done. He moved out in January, and we've been sharing custody of our children since then.
Anyway, for the point of this post. Lately I had been making a lot of progress on myself and with healing. I felt like I finally admitted to myself that I didn't want STBXH back. Even if he turned around and worked on himself and begged me for another chance, the answer would be no. It should be an easy decision with everything he's put me through, but it's been hard to get there. It's me being able to accept that we will never be back together and that the future I dreamed of is never going to happen. There will be new dreams and a new future, but it will be different from what I expected.
Now, however, with the court date coming up, I feel like I am right back on that emotional roller coaster. The fear, the anxiety, the tears, and the depression are all back in full force. I am hardly keeping it together! We're meeting with a court referee who will decide things like custody and support for the time until we get a finalized divorce. My lawyer will be there with me and she's not worried. For me though, it's incredibly emotional. It's a very big step in making this divorce real. After this I assume we'll start the negotiations of the actual divorce agreement. It's hard for me to explain what I'm feeling in words, its so complicated. It's 5000 different emotions all at the same time.
Has anyone else felt this way once things have really gotten set in motion? I guess it's one thing to think about the divorce in abstract and to start to accept it. But it's another when it's actually happening and becoming real. At least for me. No part of me wants to stop the divorce. But I'm still devastated.
Me: BW (33) Him: WH (34) Married 6 years Dday 1: 2/25/20 Affair for 1 year; Started R for real: 6/1/20 Three boys together: 5, 4, 2 Dday 2: 11/28/21 Affair for 6 months Don't know how many other girls he was "just talking to"