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Newest Member: lrpprl

Divorce/Separation :
Feeling down again


 thisIstMe (original poster member #70837) posted at 6:46 PM on Thursday, July 7th, 2022

Hi, I know I posted something similar to this a few months ago but I need to know if other people are going through similar emotional swings as I am. I just need to know that it is normal.

I found out about my ex's affair on June 9, 2019 and divorced April 2020. It was a huge surprise to me and I was caught completely off guard, she was my sole mate (I thought) and my very best friend.

Anyway, I Moved to my own place in April 2020 and our 4 kids came with me. Things were a bit emotionally hard in the beginning and then slowly I started feeling much better. I felt almost normal or at least partly back to normal. My ex and I interacted a little at the end of December last year (and got intimate *not my finest moment*). I did tell her I wasn't interested in being in a relationship because she needed to work on herself and that maybe in future we could get together as equals (without the weird power shift dynamic). Soon after (days after) she got a boyfriend and we have not had contact since.

Since then I have been a shadow of my former self. People here have said that I am suffering from hope-ium... and at first I thought 'no way' but now I think... 'yes, probably'.

I was wondering if these wild emotional swings are normal and it is all part of the normal healing process. I understand that the interaction we had last December didn't help things and just confused the hell out of me... but I don't know how out of the ordinary that interaction was, I believe it happens from time to time.

posts: 134   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2019
id 8743691

leafields ( member #63517) posted at 6:27 AM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

Maybe it could be a combination of things, like working through your infidelity and the world today.

After 4 years from dday1, I'm not on antidepressants but still keep tabs that I'm not isolating. If I need it, I will go back on meds. Some days, I think I might need meds.

I think you're normal in fluctuation of emotions, but you may want to think about what you need.

I don't like taking a bunch of pills, so I understand you may be hesitant. One thing to consider is if you had a problem with the electrical system of your heart and meds would help, you'd take the meds. Why would meds to fix the synapses in your brain different?

BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21

posts: 1238   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8743769

crazyblindsided ( member #35215) posted at 6:18 PM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

Yes it is part of the healing process. It takes a lot of time to heal from infidelity. For myself it was longer than 5 years. Be gentle with yourself and keep processing your thoughts. Are you in therapy? That has helped me tremendously. I still see one even though it has been years since the infidelity and since I left. One day your ex will be just a blip on your radar.

fBS/fWS(me):49 Mad-hattered after DD1
XWS:51 Serial Cheater, Diagnosed NPD
Was Married 19 yrs
DD(19) DS(16)
DD1 (2008) COW, DD2 (2012) MOW, False R (2014) Same MOW. DD3 (2019) Webcam girl

posts: 8290   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: California
id 8743904

 thisIstMe (original poster member #70837) posted at 6:22 PM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

Thanks for your response crazyblindsided, I tried getting a therapist twice... but could only find therapists on zoom. I attended those zoom calls and didn't like it, I need to be in person.
I was thinking that 5 years sounds about right, man I'm a huge mess.

posts: 134   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2019
id 8743906

DailyGratitude ( member #79494) posted at 7:12 PM on Friday, July 8th, 2022

I am sorry for what you are going through
Being betrayed sucks so much and divorce is so painful
It is life changing, earth shattering, and absolutely devastating.
I think it hurts more for those of us who bond deeply with our partners
We give all of our love only to be lied to, deceived, and betrayed
Though this journey is incredibly difficult, please know that you will survive.
There will be many tears and sleepless nights along the way but you will get to the other side.
You have to believe it and keep going
There are many people who are walking the same path with you so hang in there!

Me: BW mid 50’sHim: WH late 50’sMarrried 25 yearsDday: EA 2002 PA 9/2021Divorce 10/2021 (per wh’s request) WH left to be with AP

posts: 307   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8743915

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 7:55 PM on Saturday, July 9th, 2022

I was wondering if these wild emotional swings are normal and it is all part of the normal healing process.

Those swings are the normal way to feel when you're in contact with someone who you love and who sends you mixed signals in return.

You can stop the mood swings by going permanently no contact. That means you don't talk to her or about her any more. Child discussions are via text or email and always brief and to the point. Child drop-offs are in a neutral location and not face-to-face, and no in person or phone conversations unless it's a total emergency (as in, child is actually in the emergency room and not doing well). It means dropping her friends and family.

That is how you will get to peace, to truly accepting it's over, to feeling good again. You have to cut her out of your life, and not temporarily. She's gone.

It works. You will stop loving her. You will stop missing her.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8744051

 thisIstMe (original poster member #70837) posted at 5:10 PM on Wednesday, July 13th, 2022

Thank you morningglory, no contact is definitely the right answer. One thing that you mention I hadn't thought about before and actually never read it here either... you say "don't talk about her". This stopped me in my tracks because it is so simple and makes perfect sense. It is not that I talked about her all the time but do from time to time and didn't realize this was setting me back.

What is making me upset is that last year I wasn't feeling like this.
Year 1 : Awful start, got better
Year 2 : Really good in the end
Year 3 : Right back to the start again

Is this normal ? Is it normal to almost feel fine in year 2 but then go back in year 3 ? I am so confused

posts: 134   ·   registered: Jun. 23rd, 2019
id 8744529

farsidejunky ( member #49392) posted at 5:00 PM on Thursday, July 14th, 2022

Gently, but does it matter if it actually is 'normal' or not? If it isn't normal, can you simply eliminate these feelings?

The last question is obviously rhetorical, but the point is that you are feeling what you are feeling. I do see it as normal, especially with the headspace that your XWW seems to still be occupying in your mind, which I also see as normal, even if it isn't desirable.

Be good to yourself and don't be impatient with the feelings you experience. Feel them, understand them, and remember that much like the high tide, it won't be there forever. It will ebb and flow, rise and fall, with the hope that the rises subside in height over time.

Take care, brother.

“Never make someone a priority when all you are to them is an option.”

-Maya Angelou

posts: 615   ·   registered: Aug. 30th, 2015   ·   location: Tennessee
id 8744647

morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 10:52 AM on Friday, July 15th, 2022

Is this normal ? Is it normal to almost feel fine in year 2 but then go back in year 3 ? I am so confused

It's normal when you stay in contact, because contact with an inconsistently reinforcing love interest causes anxiously attached people to feel like an emotional yo-yo. I've been there. I've gotten over it by iron clad no contact. No exceptions, no chats, and no backsliding sex, especially. The fact that you had sex with her means that you were in real contact with her. If you had been in an email-only-for-the-kids relationship where you never interacted face to face or over the phone, there would have been be no way for sex to have occurred.

Your no-contact hasn't been firm enough. You really have to excise her from your life and move on. That includes no pretending to be friendly parents at child events "for the kids' sake". The kids already know you're not together, so you're not fooling them by interacting with her. Don't badmouth her to them, but do stop interacting with her, even when the kids are the focus. If you're at the same event, you should not talk. Stay on different sides of the room. If it's too intimate a room to accomplish this, then you shouldn't both be at that function. Yes, it is important to enforce this, because not enforcing this hasn't allowed you to move on, has it? Your attempt to be the friendly co-parent was a failure. It's time to be a detached-from-the-ex co-parent.

I strongly recommend you read Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller. You seem to have an anxious attachment style, which makes break-ups harder. There are good strategies for overcoming this problem and for avoiding it in the future. It will also help you understand yourself better.

posts: 454   ·   registered: Apr. 15th, 2022
id 8744776

CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 4:29 AM on Monday, August 1st, 2022

When my first husband cheated on me, I hoped things would be different, that he would want me like he apparently wanted those he was out having sex with. Never happened. I finally understood that I needed to set boundaries for myself and stick to them, otherwise I would continually be walked on by him.

posts: 299   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8747861
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