Honeybun (original poster new member #80350) posted at 4:55 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022
I found out on April 10th of this year that my husband was on hook up sites for men and sleeping with men. We have been married for 14 years and together for 17 years. I found pictures on his phone, so I have proof. He said he isn't gay or bi-sexual (hard to believe). He said he did this with men because he felt like if he was with a woman, it would have been cheating, SMDH, like this wasn't cheating. I am pursuing a divorce. Terrible thing is we just bought a new house in January of this year and moved in in February. Prior to this we lived in my rowhome that I bought by myself back in 1995 as a single mother. So, this makes divorcing much more complicated. He was the love of my life and I loved him with my whole heart. It's been a rough couple of months, but I am seeing a counselor trying to learn how to deal with all of this. I didn't get married until I was 39 and I don't think I will ever do this again! You cannot trust anyone! It's so sad. I would never do this to someone I was "supposed to love". Any other women out here in this situation?
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 8:19 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022
The logic never ceases to amaze me. So he thinks that since he did it with the same gender, it's not cheating. Nah, that's not how that works. Cheating is cheating no matter who it's done with. He's full of it.
There is a thread in the I Can Relate section for same-gender APs. You'll have to scroll a bit, but you are definitely not the only one in this situation.
Sorry that you had to join this club.
[This message edited by Forks027 at 8:21 PM, Sunday, June 26th]
Honeybun (original poster new member #80350) posted at 11:03 PM on Sunday, June 26th, 2022
Thanks Forks027. I'll look there. One question was is same gender AP's.
Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 2:06 AM on Monday, June 27th, 2022
Just another note that it can be a bit slow here on the weekends, so lack of replies does not indicate that your posts are unnoticed.
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:58 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022
He’s not gay or bi-sexual? Just another damn lie.
I am sorry for you. I hope you can D him quickly and realize he’s just a damn liar.
He’s not even honest with himself about his sexual orientation. Therefore he cannot be honest within a marriage.
I wonder how long this has been going on. Please get yourself tested for STDs and such. He has put you at risk (at the very least).
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
LineInTheSand ( member #20399) posted at 4:25 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022
I'm sorry to hear that this happened to you. Wow, and you waited to marry until you were 39 too! I don't blame you for possibly not wanting to marry again. The world/people/values etc sure have changed.
ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 5:01 PM on Monday, June 27th, 2022
He said he did this with men because he felt like if he was with a woman, it would have been cheating...
That is a spectacular lie. I agree with The1stWife on that. He had sex with other men because he wanted sex with other men. So yeah, he can't even be bothered to come up with a good lie.
I'm sorry this happened to you. Losing the row home on top of it just sucks. That said, you might have had to compensate him for half the equity accrued during the marriage if there was a mortgage, so it might not have been a clean break anyhow depending on divorce law in your jurisdiction. I think your best bet right now would be to refrain from torturing yourself with second-guessing. You made the best choices you could with the information you had at the time just like we all do. We miss the red flags because sometimes they're VERY well hidden and because we're NOT disordered scoundrels who are hellbent on doing something selfish and destructive. Cheating is about the cheater. You didn't cause it. You couldn't have stopped it. And you couldn't have seen it coming.
Remember to be gentle with yourself. It's so important to indulge in good self-care when you're dealing with this kind of stress. Have faith that you'll be okay.
BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7
No one can make you into a liar but you.
morningglory ( member #80236) posted at 3:45 AM on Thursday, June 30th, 2022
He said he did this with men because he felt like if he was with a woman, it would have been cheating, SMDH, like this wasn't cheating.
I had an acquaintance who caught her significant other using gay porn, and he said he used that because to look at women would be disrespectful to her. That man was actually gay.
OP, your husband is gay. I do not recommend staying married to a gay man.
[This message edited by morningglory at 3:48 AM, Thursday, June 30th]
leafields ( member #63517) posted at 5:01 AM on Thursday, June 30th, 2022
So sorry you've had to find us. Please read in the Healing Library, and the pinned posts in the Just Found Out (JFO) forum.
When you've decided to be monogamous, then certain things with other people besides your partner are off-limits.
It's amazing what a WS will do to rationalize their cheating behavior, or try to get away with it.
BW M 34years, Dday 1: March 2018, Dday 2: August 2019, D final 2/25/21
jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 4:22 PM on Saturday, July 2nd, 2022
I found pictures on his phone, so I have proof.
I would assume that he was showing you these pictures without you having to find them. After all, he wasn't cheating......
It's the betrayal that's at the heart of the matter. The lies compound matters. The same gender compounds it even further. But the one thing for certain, is that your pain is real.
Married almost 30yrs.
All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14
Makesmewannapuke ( member #62580) posted at 4:02 PM on Friday, July 15th, 2022
Hi Honeybun. I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I am divorced from my xh who cheated on me for years with men. Infidelity is a horrible experience for most people involved, especially the BS. Sexual orientation doesn't really matter in that regard but I will say it certainly adds a unique layer and may cost you a few extra bucks in therapy to work through. You are not alone, you are NOT the only one and you didn't do anything wrong. In my experience, most people were/are very supportive but I did and still occasionally do get insensitive or ignorant remarks from people regarding my xh/past. Hopefully that doesn't happen to you but if so, please remember to disregard those comments and any future advice from that person!!
Please take good care of yourself and be patient with yourself and your feelings as you sort all this out. You will get through this and be better for it in the end! Sending my thoughts and good wishes your way!! ((hugs))