I posted here as this relates to the separation period between my husband and I following my D_Day.
I read articles on situationship relationships. It is a curious definition. It makes me question the superficiality of my husband, while he was living apart from me with his OW three years ago. We have since re-united.
I feel it may help explain what some WS’s go through when they have detached from their spouses and have attached themselves to their OW. It clarified and validated that this, was a far from a perfect union that my husband believed it to be at first.
And unless this kind of relationship changes and evolves with firm commitments, it is bound to fail eventually. It may fail within three months, as in my husband’s case or it may last years. I can’t speak for the OW. But I can speak for my husband’s answers to my questions and boundaries once we re-united.
The following are some descriptions from an article called What is a Situationship online: I picked the ones I can more or less relate to my husband during his living arrangements with the OW.
I recognize that each separation is different. But it sure lit light bulbs in my mind!
The relationship is undefined: You and your partner may not have had the "What are we?" conversation, to define the relationship, set expectations, and outline boundaries. It may feel too early to have the conversation, or you may not feel comfortable bringing it up.
There’s no mention of the future: People who are in a relationship may plan for the future in some capacity, whether it’s going to an event in the near future or longer term plans to settle down and have a family. In a situationship, there’s typically no discussion of the future.
The connection is superficial: Though you and your partner may spend time together, or may even be intimate with each other, you may not have developed a deep emotional connection. The conversation may be superficial and you may notice that your partner never asks you personal questions,
The relationship is based on convenience: You and your partner may not prioritize each other or go out of your way to see each other; instead, you may tend to make spur of the moment plans based on convenience, if you have a gap in your schedule or if something else doesn’t work out, for instance.
People who tend to gravitate towards situationships are those who want the emotional connection and intimacy with a partner in a compartmentalized way. They can have emotional presence and connection in person, but when apart, they can have their freedom.
Both parties may not be honest about what they want out of the arrangement. Typically, one person is content with the casual aspect of the relationship, while the other is hoping that it might turn into something more.
The mental health impact can be immense for the person wanting more as they may begin to conflate their sense of self-worth with gaining the approval of the other person.
Additionally, because situationships tend to be superficial, the partner wanting more usually does not know the other person well, which causes them to idealize their partner, and in turn devalue themselves.
The article helped me understand the dynamics that may have been present to some degree in their seemingly "perfect" arrangement once he abandoned me for her.
I believed at that time, that she was perfect for him. I had lost all respect I had for this man that I was with for 40 years and I believed at the time, that they deserved one another.
Bottom line, their relationship was far removed from the perfect image and story I had created in my mind. The way I see it, It actually sounds pretty awful to live like that.
So three years later, this definition validated some of our conversations about the time he was living with his OW( not the affair) and explained my husband’s mindset at the time he wanted me to take him back with remorse, shame, apologies, contritions and all.
[This message edited by Notaboringwife at 1:17 PM, Monday, May 30th]