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 BeachRockGirl (original poster new member #80296) posted at 1:51 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

Thank you! We have an agreement now: he is going to get the whole truth on paper within a week. That way I avoid the trauma of partial truths, and he has time to talk to his counselor and (I guess) get some more courage. For now he is not volunteering and I’m not asking.

If anything I already know about is missing - I guess a polygraph would be a good next step…

[This message edited by BeachRockGirl at 1:53 AM, Saturday, May 7th]

BW
D-Day 4/21 to present

posts: 8   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Washington state
id 8734049
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 BeachRockGirl (original poster new member #80296) posted at 2:08 AM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

After having been in counseling, I know why they want him to be in the house and living at home with you. It is because the more distance between you two, the harder it is to reconcile. It is easier to do when under the same roof. With that being said, I had my husband leave too. I felt as if I could not breathe the same air.

That’s interesting… and I feel the same way… like not only would I feel a bit of trauma to see him in the house right now, but I need space to think, heal, recover my self-possession. But… we are talking, doing family things, texting. He is taking my car to be fixed, finding small outlets for his own grief, in service…

BW
D-Day 4/21 to present

posts: 8   ·   registered: May. 5th, 2022   ·   location: Washington state
id 8734052
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Notmine ( member #57221) posted at 2:53 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

Not sure if you still need a demand list, but here is my basic list of non-negotiables:

*Honesty at all times. No exceptions. Period.
*All electronics, social media sites, computer usage open for my perusal any time for any reason - no social media at all is best. I have all passwords.
*Access to phone records at all times and phone software installed that allows me to see his texts. Key logger installed on computer to check online activity.
*Accountable for whereabouts...gps software is on at all times.
*No defensive bullshit. If I am feeling a certain way due to WS' actions, the acceptable response is to sit and listen without defense. There is no defense. The response should be "What can I do to help you?"
*Individual counseling for the long term.
*12 step recovery for the long term, which includes working the steps, being an active participant and taking the advice of a sponsor.
*Read literature for help in the areas of integrity, self-awareness and empathy.
*Accepts full responsibility for the affair and my triggers forever.
*No questionable behavior with any woman, ever. No porn use, period (my husband is an SA).
*Post-nup
*My WS lost the right to an opinion about what I do when he chose to cheat. I will consider requests, but am not pressed to fulfill them. Request fulfillment is not an expectation for my WS.
*Equitable distribution of child care and home care. Honestly, if he had time to cheat, he can find the time to help with household chores.
*Acceptance of the demands with no argument. If there is an argument, it is a red flag.

Please note that this list may or may not be suitable for your particular situation, but it has worked well for me.

Strong recommendations for YOU:
Counseling - cheating is a trauma
STD testing
Separate finances
See a lawyer to discuss your rights. Knowledge os power. You do not have to go through with a divorce, but it serves the purpose of letting the WS spouse know that you are not playing.
Request a post-nup
Take the time to consider the right course of action for YOU. Detach from him as much as possible so that you can be as objective as possible. Detaching helps you to remove yourself from some of the chaos and emotional upheaval of early discovery.

Although my SA husband has followed most of these since DDay on October 1, 2015, #1 has been a challenge in terms of his sexual addiction. He has not been inappropriate with another woman, or watched porn, but there have been instances where he has engaged in secretive masturbation, which is a dangerous activity for him. Abstention from this was self-imposed at the advice from his therapist (CSAT) and his SA sponsor, as it begins a process of ritualistic fantasy that is both a coping mechanism and a compulsion. He was dishonest about the masturbation twice. The second time, he was asked to leave for a separation. He did. I observed the actions he took without my advice or interference, met with the therapist upon his request, and he was allowed to return after a month. There have been no other issues since then that I am aware of. Although I am very intuitive and can tell when he is squirrely, living with a cheater means consistent oversight. I may not sense anything, but who can ever truly know what goes on in the fucked up mind of a cheater? I am not saying that your husband is a sex addict, but in your post you say that your husband may have cheated more than once. It takes a ton of work for a serial cheater to become a safe partner. Many cannot handle the intense self-examination. It is exhausting and chaotic and full of misery most of the time for the BS. Cheaters are proven liars. Actions over time will tell you what you need to know about his safety. The number one priority is your well being. He will either choose to become a better human or not, but you will survive and flourish with or without him.

When you're going through hell, for God's sake, DON'T STOP!

posts: 699   ·   registered: Feb. 1st, 2017   ·   location: DC
id 8734078
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HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 7:58 PM on Saturday, May 7th, 2022

Cheaters lie. Go through with the polygraph,no matter what is on the timeline. Chances are high there are a lot of things you don't know.

posts: 4332   ·   registered: Jun. 20th, 2017   ·   location: The Midwest
id 8734110
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