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Wayward Side :
Husband beat up my AP.

stop

 JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 2:28 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

I knows this might happen because my husband has been threatening this since I admitted my affair to him. He immediately dug around and found out where my AP was living, his fiancée’s name, pretty much everything about him. After I let him read the texts between us he threw my iPad across the room and told me he was going to beat the guy’s face in.

Of course I immediately begged him not to do anything stupid and he responded that I was trying to protect my "boyfriend". He knows that referring to him as my boyfriend hurts me and he does it repeatedly.

A group of my coworkers planned a night out at a bar where we would occasionally hang out after work. For obvious reasons I didn’t go. But I forgot that my husband is Facebook friends with another coworker of mine. She had posted something about it on Facebook and he saw it. He went to the place thinking he was going to catch me there with the guy and ended up beating him up.

I feel with this type of self destructive behavior of his we will never ever be able to reconcile. After he got home last night he called me angry and basically ran through every insult he’s thrown my way since I admitted my affair to him. I just hung up the phone and haven’t even thought of calling him since.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Northeast Ohio
id 8728999
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 11:21 PM on Sunday, April 10th, 2022

Mine did too. I did the same begged him not to. Not because I wanted to protect AP, but because I didn't feel like having to post bail and get him out of jail, worst case scenario he catch a murder 1st degree charge. It was terrifying when he left the house that night on a mission. Came home so there's that, but cover in blood and he wasn't bleeding. I don't care to go into too many more details because I probably broke a law myself protecting my bh.

And that's something we really don't think about when we begin an affair. I mean people die everyday probably in an act of passion by a betrayed soul.

It wasn't a deal breaker for me. I was able to put myself in his shoes and whether or not I'd actually follow through, I'd want some blood. Did the AP deserve it? Idk that's subjective.. but I would take my ass whooping and move on. Chalk it up as a consequence for fucking someone's husband.

I'm not saying violence is the answer, of course it usually never is, but it do be an answer sometimes. Right or wrong.

The rage is very real that our betrayeds feel. Not everyone is equipped to handle the massive feelings that cheating causes. I know many BSs make a lot of mistakes in the wake of a dday and I tried very hard to meet mine in a place of understanding as best as I could.

I feel with this type of self destructive behavior of his we will never ever be able to reconcile. 

I don't know when your dday was but you should know that this "type" of behavior comes from being severely traumatized and make no mistake he is. Its a special kind of hell. And early on you will see behavior that is scary and sad and miserable. Imagine your whole world being sucked into a black hole, just gone. The destitute suffered in one second, everyone says a knife in the back, I always imagined it more like a hammer to the temple. I've self destructed for less.

I'm just curious though,

Your self destructive behavior caused major emotional, psychological, and even physical harm, for him to even consider R is a tough shit sandwich to swallow.

Before this was your want set on R? If this is your hill so be it.

posts: 2580   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8729077
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WalkinOnEggshelz ( Administrator #29447) posted at 11:49 AM on Monday, April 11th, 2022

First and foremost, violence is never the answer. It should never be condoned as a way through this all.

Unfortunately, like foreverlabeled mentioned, we as WS rarely think through to what the aftermath can look like. How many murder mystery shows are a result of a love triangle? My AP carried a gun with him everywhere he went. The situation was a ticking time bomb. We were fortunate that it never came down to that, but I look back at it horrified with the very real realization that there could have been dire consequences from my actions.

Your BH will need help processing his anger. He will need a professional.

I would not necessarily focus on whether you can reconcile at this point, but trying to come from a more empathetic POV understanding the pain he is in and trying to help him get into a good IC.

Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.

posts: 15117   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2010   ·   location: Texas
id 8729128
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 JustPlainLost (original poster new member #80184) posted at 3:46 AM on Thursday, April 14th, 2022

Thank you both for your responses. I do realize that my actions are the reason he is in the awful place he’s in. In all the years I’ve known him I’ve never known him to even get in a fight. I’ve always known he could take care of himself if he needed to. He’s a Marine after all, but he’s never been confrontational, or looking for a fight. In fact he always seemed to be the one who would try to defuse situations that got a little hairy.

Anyway I have been texting with him this week. We were supposed to talk about some things last weekend but for obvious reasons we never did. Hopefully this weekend we can speak in a little mor level headed manner.

I have my heart set on R. There has been a ton of damage done to our relationship. First by me with my affair, then the months of living together awkwardly. He’d alternate between blowing up on me and saying he wanted to try to work things out. Then I moved out because that’s what he said would be best for him. Then admitted his revenge affair which is something he says he’s sorry for and maybe in naive to believe him but I do think he regrets it.

We have so much to discuss but if he says he wants to try to fix this he’s going to have to start IC.

posts: 7   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2022   ·   location: Northeast Ohio
id 8729684
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