SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Ok here we go. I am BS about 6.5 months out from D-day. I have been in NC with my xWF for 5 months since we said our goodbyes. Overall I felt I'm feeling like I'm making decent progress on the road to surviving infidelity (hah). So I've tried to test the waters of being out there again and have found someone who I get along with well and are mutually into each other. Now what I did not expect are some old pains resurfacing recently. I've done a lot of introspection and one pain point is fearing betrayal as a BS. I've lost 6+ years to betrayal so I'm a bit scared. Now I know logically I absolutely cannot bring this into a new relationship, and should not punish this person for something another person did. But the fear is not rational, and so it's hard for me to rationalize it away through logic. It simply attacks and leaves a trail of destruction in its wake. I have noticed some signs of insecurities that I normally would not have such as asking more questions about the future, being afraid of rebounding, being afraid of not affair-proofing my picker, etc. I'm afraid of this being a sign of me not being ready yet to dip back into dating, and don't want to hurt an innocent soul. But at the same time I feel all BSes would have similar fears so it might not be anything in particular.

I've explained my situation to her and she seems sympathetic to my pains. I understand to some this can be a dealbreaker so if that's what it is then I accept that. It's more the uncertainty that I'm not sure I should push through or take as sign to back off. Anyone have similar experiences or insights? Thank you very much from the new me.

6.5 months out

Depending on how long you were married, this is a nanosecond in healing time. Around here six months is generally known as The Rage Stage. It's when the smoke clears just enough to allow the anger in.

It took me at least three years before I felt I had enough pieces to put back together, and another two before I thought about meeting someone new. Nothing panned out but I had some fun and I found the woman I used to be and got comfortable with getting to know her again.

It takes a long time to sort through all the broken bits, and expecting someone else to ride your emotional rollercoaster with you while you work through that process and navigate your breakup is expecting a lot.

Get to know yourself again first. There are exceptions, but it generally doesn't work out very well if people skip that step.

Be good to yourself. This shit is hard!

6.5 months out from D-day

So..I may not be following, but do you mean 6.5 from D day not divorce right?
Although I really understand the need and want to get out there and date (I started going on coffee dates during separation because I felt I had wasted decades). I did wait until after divorce to start dating. And it was a full year before I got into my first long term relationship. I know that all of these relationships helped the healing process, however I did something radical between seperation and my first LTR. I made healing a full time job. I'm not kidding. Usually working overtime and on weekends. It's really normal to be feeling the feelings you have.
I do believe that the more we heal, the less we will choose badly. If there is one thing I didn't fear it was being cheated on though. I could tell he wouldn't --he had also been a BS so, it made it easier.

At 6.5 months out, you should be focused on healing.

If you do want to date, just be upfront with the girl and others you meet that you are not looking for anything serious. I dated in about 6-7month range, but it was for fun and to start testing the waters. I had a ton of fun, but it would be wise to keep working on yourself and to treat the dating as more of a fun exercise for short term companionship, and as a tool to sharpen your picker for when you're really ready for the long term relationships.

There's going to be a lot of folks on here that will tell you that 6.5 months is too early to date, but its never a one size fits all. If you want to date, than go and have fun. As long as you're honest with your date about your situation and they're okay with it, than you are good. When I was dating early on, most of the girls I met were very understanding if the situation, and it was fine. I had a ton of fun.

What you will notice is that there are a bunch of options out there. YOu're wiser now and you'll get to fine tune your picker.

Many of us date too soon (hand raised) for a variety of reasons. I was honest about where I was in my healing. I always thought I was further along than I was. Meaning at 6 months, I thought I was doing good - but when I got to 1 year and looked back at that six months marker, I saw I was much better. Ditto at the two year mark.

I am just saying that you will continue to heal and work throught it. Be patient with the process and yourself.

I constantly had to remind myself to judge the NB person by the NB actions, etc. Not to make them pay for my mistrust, etc from my past. That is difficult but it did get better along the way. I was blessed with amazing partners during those those years who were very understanding, etc and made it easier to rebuild trust.

I'm afraid of this being a sign of me not being ready yet to dip back into dating, and don't want to hurt an innocent soul.

I found setting my own boundaries helpful. The high you can get from dating after a breakup can be amazing and it is easy to get swept away because you are craving that validation. I made my own (silent) boundaries of not saying 'I love you' for x amount of time (regardless of how I thought I felt), or introducing to family/friend, etc. That helped as well.

If you feel you need some more time/space, then pay attention to that voice. If this NB person is meant to be - it will work out whether it is now or down the road after a break.