SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

Legend10

That must be hard to watch/swallow...
You should know that people (particularly dishonest Waywards) put on a show for everyone around them, but especially you.

My ExWW had a terrible relationship with her AP over 5 years where they broke up and got back together numerous times.
She put on this show like their relationship was amazing, but the kids and her mother tell me a different story.

I never ask anyone about her, but for some reason, my kids and exWW's mother have this innate desire to talk to me about her (mainly because they don't have anybody else to talk to about her)

Distrust between a wayward and their AP is real...
I know that was certainly the case with my exWW...

He passed away just a few days ago, and she put up this facebook post like they had the most amazing relationship for the last 5 years and she's absolutely devastated, but failed to mention that they only got back together 3 weeks earlier.
Many of her friends on FB didn't even know that she was in a relationship because there was literally only one picture/mention of him on her facebook in the last 5 years. That mention, a post that he put up (not her) in 2018...

My ExWW has suffered enormously over the last 5 years.
Financially, she's gone from owing and living in a 5 bedroom mansion in a prestigious suburb, to renting a 3 bedroom basic house/flat in an "ok" suburb...
She still has the same car from when we separated, which we were about to upgrade, but it's now damaged and in poor condition.

Relationship wise, she's had a poor relationship with AP and now he's passed and she's not really an attractive option for any quality person.

Emotionally, she is completely dependent on the children (9 and 7). Now that AP has passed, she literally has one small group of friends (all married) and nothing else.
She has no relationship with her family (just sees her aunty 3 or 4 times per year) and is generally pretty miserable.

Sadly, all of these things going wrong in her life impact the kids and have meant that she is super aggressive and confrontational with me.

I'm somewhat like your exWW where my life has improved substantially..
Sure, I've taken a huge hit financially through the process, but I'm now almost back to where I was before we split.
I've re-partnered, she's pregnant, we're getting married and life is good...

That drives my exWW insane... My life has improved and hers is literally at it's lowest point ever...

The next 12 months for my exWW could be too much for her to take...
She doesn't know I'm having another child yet... and we're in the process of purchasing a new house... That coupled with the death of the AP will be extremely difficult for her to handle...
I just need to be ready to catch the kids from the impending demolition and destruction of what little she has left.

My Ex has, if anything, degenerated further. Having said that, he's been with the same GF since five months after we split. She is not the AP. Ironically, my Ex's GF's husband cheated on her and left her for the OW. I don't know what my Ex had to do and say to convince her that he's different but whatever.

FWIW, my Ex never had therapy, never really did anything to work on himself but I do think he's probably faithful. I think the fallout from his A was so monumentally catastrophic for him that he was "scared straight." But he's the infidelity equivalent of being a "dry drunk." He hasn't had any insight, hasn't changed his perceptions, but is just white knuckling through this relationship.

Honestly, it's just not my problem.

Any person is capable of change, even very difficult change, but they have to put in the work. Sometimes people have to overcome not just financial or small habits like biting fingernails, but have to overcome personality traits they were born with in order to make the significant change that is necessary or figure out how to improve despite a mental illness. Each person is different and so it is really not possible to even begin to guess as an average joe here, but having a counselor on your side to help you have your boundaries in order and your life in balance can help.

As a cheater (did not had an emotional affair, but slept with prostitutes 4 times over three years), can tell you this. Moved out of our family home 6 months ago and made promise to myself to fully understand my actions and to do absolutely everything to fix that part for me.

Hardest part of this work has been realisation how much pain I HAVE caused to my wife (and kids) that loved me so much. It is literally a physical sickness in the stomach everyday now.

AND then to realise that what i am going through IS NOTHING in comparison what SHE is going through. I crushed a soul and a dreams of the person that was closest and most important in my life. That is the lowest point to reach as a person.

Self-work is really a work, I mean now my life is concentrated on actual work, taking care of kids and then at least hour / two per day on reading, self-reflecting and notes on my behaviour, past, emotional aspects, relationships + therapy. Everything else is on the back burner. And I still manage to reverse to some old communication patterns with my wife with all that work in. So it is as a real work as it can get.

Work is nowhere near the end, the more you dig the more complex layers of guilt, lack of self-respect and boundaries reveal themselves, but that allowed to discovered parts of empathy that I did not had in me. Still months and possibly years from the new version of myself, but I am sure that I will never will cheat on my wife, if God willing there will be a chance to reconcile, or in any future relationship.

[This message edited by Spaceman at 8:19 AM, Tuesday, April 19th]

My cheating H changed. For the better.