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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Reconciliation :
180, reconciliation, doing what makes me happy

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 Squish (original poster new member #79546) posted at 10:03 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Hi everyone,

I am the BS and yesterday while reading through the site I came across the 180. I feel like i'm doing this, well some of it. It's confusing because im also trying to get my boundaries together which I want to give to him.

we are almost 7 months in after D DAY. UGH But I am doing good... well the best I can be doing... im ignoring his A and taking time to take care of me. But I feel like me taking care of me might seem like im doing ok with his A... but im also not ready to give him all my boundaries and tell him what I want because I dont even know what they all are.

Does this make sense?

When do you give boundaries while on 180?

Are you in R when you are doing the 180?


ok thank you for reading. Maybe you can make sense of my questions.

Squish

posts: 22   ·   registered: Nov. 1st, 2021
id 8709635
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 11:43 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

Everything is messier in real life than a checklist or decision.

I think that R is itself on a spectrum, and that it gets stronger as you go. The 180 is more of a recovery tool than a reconciliation tool.

The 180 is a way for you to heal, get your sights set on what you need, make sure you will be OK whether or not you R or D.

I think you deliver your boundaries/needs/etc. whenever you have the figured out and ready. When WS is ready to meet those needs, reconciliation can begin in earnest. It's ok to be in recovery or limbo for a while sometimes.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1652   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8709668
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 11:49 PM on Thursday, January 13th, 2022

It's going to take a long time to figure this all out. It's one of the thorniest, most complex, and certainly most painful things you will ever have to deal with. Life is not linear. Give yourself grace.

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH: 50, WW: 49 Wed: Feb.'96 DDAY1: 12.20.16 DDAY2: 12.23.19

posts: 4528   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
id 8709669
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ChamomileTea ( Guide #53574) posted at 1:07 AM on Friday, January 14th, 2022

...im ignoring his A and taking time to take care of me. But I feel like me taking care of me might seem like im doing ok with his A... but im also not ready to give him all my boundaries and tell him what I want because I dont even know what they all are.

I'm assuming that by "ignoring" you mean that you're not talking about the affair and that the affair is not ongoing. If he's actively cheating still, that's something different.

I don't think it's necessary that you make a commitment to R in order to lay down your boundaries. In fact, you can say upfront, "I don't know what I want yet, but if you are wanting to try and prove that you deserve to be here, this is what I'm looking for in a man who claims to want to be my husband." It's kind of like that scene from The Princess Bride where Westley describes his relationship with the Dread Pirate Roberts... "Good night, Westley. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely kill you in the morning." You can let him know what your tolerance is, and that's really what boundaries are all about. It's the kind of treatment you're willing to accept in that particular relationship. My fWH can keep secret passwords if he wants. That's his choice. But he won't do it and stay married to me. I'm past tolerating a secretive mate. I don't want it and I'm not going to tolerate it. It's his choice as to what he does with that information though. So, you think about what you're willing to accept from a husband, and what you're NOT willing to accept. These kind of boundaries are big ticket items because you're backing it with your refusal to stay in the marriage, but if you're doing it correctly, it really does describe what you're willing to live with. But you don't have to make any commitments until you're ready. “Good night, WH. Good work. Sleep well. I'll most likely divorce you in the morning.”

I think it's great that you're keeping your options open, but what's to stop your WH from thinking that your silence is acceptance and that it's all just going to blow over? Talking is healing. It's also how you figure out where your WH went wrong and whether he's actually repentant or not. I get that you can't afford counseling right now, but there are tons of resources out there, and hell even if you had to sell something off to get the therapy, it's probably cheaper than divorce. So, he needs to be working on making the kind of interior changes to his flawed character which made him an unsafe partner for you. And if he doesn't want to do that, well.. that informs your decision, doesn't it.

We don't just "get over it". You guys can stifle the conflict, but it's going to be the 800-pound gorilla in every room you walk into until you deal with it. It takes two to R. Your WH needs to be on board and working with whatever resources he has access to. He could start with a little book called How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair by Linda McDonald. Heck, he might even find that one free for download online. If not, it's cost is minimal.

[This message edited by ChamomileTea at 1:10 AM, Friday, January 14th]

BW: 2004(online EAs), 2014 (multiple PAs)Married 38 years; in R with fWH for 7

{edited for typos.. again}

posts: 4888   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016   ·   location: U.S.
id 8709692
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