My wife and I had started to lightly discuss / explore the swinging scene. We had looked up a couple of clubs in our city and considered it but ultimately nothing came of it… we just didn’t have the time, weren’t completely comfortable etc. After a couple of months we had (with my encouragement/initiation) started to experiment with some chat apps. Primarily with strangers online - couples and males.
Initially we were chatting to some people (we had two different accounts, mine was marked as couple… hers was not. However, I don’t see any malicious reason here just the way it turned out). In one instance we were in a group chat with a couple but to be honest it was primarily the male active (they shared an account). My wife was sending pictures / sharing etc in that group but was also messaging him directly on snapchat. We had (or at least I understood through discussion) agreed to not share faces or details etc. Through some turn of events we were discussing chat and she had showed me hers… as I scrolled up I saw pictures of her shared. These were normal pictures with friends but she had put emojis / scribbles over the friends faces to blur them out. It seemed that she was chatting more and more but insisted she didn’t give any details.
There was a light hearted discussion on evening and she sort of suggested that she could be with him and when I asked what she meant (because I understood it would be a 3/4 some situation), she fobbed it off and said "oh you could be with her". To summarize this first issue - there was a huge arguement and she apologized (although reluctantly) and from there on I understood that it wouldn't happen again (sharing faces etc). After some time and arguements, she eventually blocked him.
At this time, we were still using snap but it was mostly for shared fun.
Fast forward a couple of months and we are on a family vacation. During this time my wife was glued to her phone, something seemed up but I said nothing.
After returning home I got access to her account and saw that she was messaging someone else (not out of bound considering we had no hard rule against that). However, as I went through the texts that remained it was clear to me that she was engaged in fairly detailed and explicit conversations, describing intimate details etc - this all aligned with the time when we were on vacation.
I confronted her about this and she kind of suggested oh it was fine, we had agreed etc.
This brought us to a point where she deleted/deactivated her account after a significant arguement.
Here the second thing:
My wife has started to behave somewhat odd now. She recently started a new job (3+ months) although she works from home.
She has been doing good and is getting alot of encouragement from her team and manager on slack etc.
We have a shared photo album so I saw that she had taken pictures of various posts in slack, congratulating her on meeting targets etc.
In one of the posts in the team (posted by her manager), there was a picture of her (that I took) glammed up and on vacation - this was a very attractive photo, short dress etc.
The text of the post was congratulating her for being so great and meeting goals.
I do not know how he got that picture. I had access to my wifes work laptop and searched for media shared via slack.
She never shared this picture using that app and so Im suspicious of how he got it but have no proof.
Most recently, my wife asked me if it was okay for her colleague to drop over to pick up a spare covid test we had.
This colleague seems nice and just happens to live within one mile of us so I thought nothing of it - of course I was happy that we could help.
He dropped by and picked up the test and I didn't think any more of it.
A couple of days later, my wife mentioned that (lets call him Tom... her manager.. who lives 20 miles away) - got the test and was very thankful.
I said nothing, but this was a red flag for me. Why would she not mention exactly WHO was picking up the test?
For context, there is no situation where she would confuse these people - this is a completely remote company and most employees don't even live in our state.
I did some digging and everything seems unusually squeeky clean.
Lately my wife is not letting her phone out of her site, although thismorning I happened to have genuine need to use it. During that time she seemed suprised that I was holding it and the tension was clear.
I went and had a shower - after some time, my wife had gone out to get coffee.
I tired to login to her work laptop just to see if my suspicions were correct but I found the password had been changed.
This password was most definitely just changed in the last couple of hours and I'm more suspicious because tis is more of a "sacret device" as a work laptop.
I've continued to behave as normal (or a normal as I can).
I'm stuck on next steps here. I'm not certain she is cheating at the moment but I think she might be thinking about it and/or be communicating with her manager in a way that she believes should be hidden.
Given all of the backstory above, I believe (with snap messaging etc), I've seen a completely other side to my wife.
With this in mind, I'm very uncomfortable and not sure what I should do from here.
Note: No doubt, I know that I will get some backlash here for some of the things above.
Howeve, this is pretty high stakes right now and I feel that I need hard proof before anything else.
My experience with questioning her or having honest discussions in the past is that she ONLY discusses things that I bring up.
For example, she will not admit to anything unless caught red handed with specific details, even though I've approached this conversations in a reasonable way and made it clear I was willing to move past if we had honesty. She does not divuldge any details ever unless I spell out specific probems and/or have proof.
Any advice from those that may have had similar experiences or lessons?
[This message restored by Webmaster at 4:35 PM, Wednesday, January 12th]
[This message edited by swordpepper at 12:17 AM, Wednesday, January 12th]