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Newest Member: 39Robbo

Reconciliation :
Husbands affair with a friend

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 Livingingrief (original poster new member #79723) posted at 12:22 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

How does one actually get past the fact that the affair partner was a friend. When I look back and remember all thr times we all hung out together not knowing they were having an affair, it makes me feel sick. Did they get off on my humiliation? Did their little secret make them feel good? My spouse says he felt guilty and felt awkward when around the affair partner and her husband yet he was putting himself in that exact situation. He helped her husband fix his car, gave them rides etc. How can I get past this very confusing part of the affair? How to you actually accept that they enjoyed the power of their secret?

posts: 21   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2021
id 8706462
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NeverAfter ( new member #72882) posted at 1:27 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I’ve been lurking for years but your post has prompted me to make my 1st post. I don’t have the answer for you as the same thing happened to me yrs ago & I still haven’t let it go yet. Not to say I think about it often but when I do the humiliation, the anger, the pain, the pure white hot rage all comes rushing back as if only minutes had passed not yrs. I just wanted you to know that you are not alone. Take care of yourself eat, drink & sleep.also Listen to the good folks here, they definitely know what they’re talking about! they don’t always say what we(general we) want to hear it’s often what we need to hear. Just remember that you WILL get through this & you WILL be ok. Cyber hugs((livingingrief))

BGF(me)-32 XWBF-33 together 8yrsDday-TOO MANY TO COUNTKicked his wayward ass OUT-Dec.2,2018

"What defines us is how we face adversity rather than how we handle the easy."Yes "You’ve got this"

posts: 1   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2020   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8706470
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Grieving ( member #79540) posted at 1:34 AM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

I’m so sorry. That isn’t my situation, but I can’t even imagine the extra pain and betrayal that would bring. Virtual hugs; hang in there and go easy on yourself.

posts: 66   ·   registered: Oct. 30th, 2021
id 8706472
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 12:31 PM on Thursday, December 30th, 2021

For some people the only response is to walk away, get out and move on.

They recognize there is no other option b/c the affair and the AP and the humiliation of it all is beyond repair.

I had a good friend who was married to a serial cheater. Luckily when she found out they did not have children. Everyone knew about her cheating H, the other child he had for years, bringing the girls to his home while my friend was at work etc. The neighbors knew. His work colleagues knew. His bosses knew. All people they were friendly with over the years.

She D him, left town and started a whole new life. Happily married 25 years now and has a good life.

He married again and cheated etc. same song, same pattern, same lowlife jerk. Nothing changed.

Sadly only you know what you can live with and accept. Two years from now you may think differently about your cheating spouse or the OW etc.

But if it’s a dealbreaker it’s best to admit it snd move in. Don’t waste years trying to accept snd recover from something you know you really cannot do.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11162   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8706501
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HUM1021 ( member #6222) posted at 12:24 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

I'm so very sad to read this.

Me: BS 34
Her: WS 33
M 5 years
dday with 1st OM 4/30/04 EA/PA
dday with 2nd OM 12/11/04 EA/PA
on the reconciliation rollercoaster

posts: 819   ·   registered: Jan. 13th, 2005   ·   location: Colorado
id 8707064
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HouseOfPlane ( member #45739) posted at 2:02 AM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

Did they get off on my humiliation? Did their little secret make them feel good?

I am betting 'no' on the first question and 'yes' on the second. You were just a supporting actor in his little movie, not that that makes things feel any better.

Forbidden fruit is the sweetest. From hum-drum boring husband counting the days until his funeral into man with a secret.

The question is, who is humiliated now? Because what was exciting in the darkness looks like a stupid soap opera shitshow in the light of day.

You've been heard, LIG.

[This message edited by HouseOfPlane at 2:02 AM, Monday, January 3rd]

DDay 1986: R'd, it was hard, hard work.

“Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?”
― Mary Oliver

posts: 2802   ·   registered: Nov. 25th, 2014
id 8707075
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Ladybugmaam ( member #69881) posted at 7:28 PM on Monday, January 3rd, 2022

BS from a double betrayal here. I think, at least with my FWH, the compartmentalization was such that when we were together in "friend mode", we were friends. When they were together in the affair, that was different. It IS utterly humiliating. Recovery has been hard, but worth it for us. I run into my former "friend" ALL too often. Running into her is an enormous trigger, for obvious reasons. For the longest time, she thought she still could be my friend.
I think one of the "kicks" of an affair is the secrecy. But, it isn't real. It doesn't compare to real life shared experiences. For FWH when it was out in the open, it was done. FWH said he felt enormously guilty. I remember him watching random things on TV during the affair and getting emotional. I also saw my former friend get emotional when one on one with me.
When I remember back to the shared trips our families took together, holiday meals, etc....I feel sick as well. Focusing on making new memories has helped me. Treat yourself with an enormous amount of kindness. This is all too common and super rough.

EA DD 11/2018
PA DD 2/25/19
One teen son

posts: 198   ·   registered: Feb. 26th, 2019
id 8707162
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