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New Beginnings :
3 years on and doing worse

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 naustibarl23 (original poster new member #65530) posted at 12:23 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

I'm no stranger to this forum as I found it when I was first going through the thick if being cheated on.

A bit has changed in this 3 years. We have reached a point were we can be amicable for our kids, and not the awkward kind of amicable. It seems to be OK and our kids are doing better for it.

My ex ended up cheating on the person he cheated on me for- but she was also cheating on him too. So all around- Not my business but it gave me one tiny blip of sick satisfaction knowing it didnt go well for him. Temporarily anyway.

He's now with another person, who I've met, and my kids adore.

I don't wish them unhappiness but I won't lie , I'm absolutely still crippled with depression and even a pathetic jealously that even though he did the wrong thing initially, refused to pay child support etc. He has ended up in the better position.
A gorgeous house , a new car and a nice new partner. Two decent incomes.

I am working two menial jobs as a single parent and I can barely afford my utility bills. am tired, exhausted and worried about finances constantly.
Not only do i not have time to date, but the desire to date isn't even there because I have extremely low self esteem not to mention mental health problems that arose from this infidelity. Not to mention the pool out there is low for gals like me, it's slim pickens.

Now I know its not always greener on the other side, they could still have issues.

But quite honestly I'm struggling with the will to survive. I truly resent where I am at in life and I can't see it getting any better.
Why did I end up worse off. I cant seem to dig my way out of the hole I am in.
A therapist I see just sort of keeps repeating the same stuff, self care, be kind to yourself. Just keep plodding along, etc etc.

Chid support did eventually catch up to him, he ended up paying his debt entirely. Now, he offers to pick up groceries sometimes at child changeover- which seems generous but truly feels like charity and I end up feeling more pathetic.

How do I snap out of this.

posts: 34   ·   registered: Jul. 20th, 2018
id 8701702
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 1:08 AM on Tuesday, November 30th, 2021

((((Nautibarl)))). I'm so sorry you are struggling. I was once exactly where you are now. I won't go into all the gory details, but the short version is I worked two jobs, and a third at Christmas time. And I had to have two roommates to keep my house. It was horrible. The injustice of it was so difficult to face. He married the ow and they had two incomes and bought a summer home. I was beyond depressed.

What helped me immensely was I made myself stop paying attention to what was happening with him. He didn't matter. There was nothing I could do about him. But I could figure out a way to help myself. Self care is nice and all, but a plan is better. And I had a councilor at the time that gave me a great way to accomplish that.

For about a half an hour every morning, I sat down with a cup of coffee and a note pad. I wrote down what my problems were. Thinks like, I'm not making enough money, I need cheaper day care, I'm lonely, I need stuff done to my house. Then after about a week of that, each morning I would take one item at a time, and brain storm on a way to solve it. Better job? Check listings every day, call an employment agency, put the word out that I'm looking with past co workers. Then I'd take the next thing on the list. And one by one I'd write down possible ways to solve them. Within a few weeks, I realized I had a plan.

The thing is, when you feel overwhelmed like you do, everything seems insurmountable. And you feel horribly inferior, right when you've lost who you thought was your best friend and support. All you see is a black hole of doom. But if you take it apart, and tackle one issue at a time, it is much more manageable, and you no longer feel like your life is completely out of control.

So how did it work for me? There were things that worked and things that didn't. That was the beauty of having multiple options on my list to solve whatever it was. Interestingly each job I got prepared me for a better one. And slowly I became completely debt free and eventually I took a giant leap and took a job in a community my daughter and I absolutely loved, but we had to leave when she was six because her dad left us. I was completely unqualified for the job, but my love of the community got me the job. I ended up being the Finance Director for this wonderful city. Two weeks ago was my 23rd year on the job. I would never in a million years thought that was possible when I was exactly where you are.

I'd love to tell you I have a man in my life, but I don't. But I'm not sad about that. I have the love and respect of my daughter who recently told me she can't believe what I accomplished and how much she respects me. And I have my wonderful grandkids and her husband who love and respect me. I have great friends so I'm never lonely. And l am lucky enough because of my job in my small city to be thought well of by the people who live here. It taught me I didn't need a romantic interest in my life to feel valued. Sure it would be nice. But I'm all good. You will be too.

posts: 1555   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8701706
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dotterofTheKing ( member #45223) posted at 5:46 AM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Charity411, thank you for the wonderful encouragement and sharing a bit of what you’ve been through and where you are now. And Nausti, you’ve been heard! My heart goes out to you. 💜

I was BW (48), He was WH (47) at D-day
Together 27 years, married for 24
D-day was August 4, 2014
We have 3 beautiful children. (Two sons 19 and 20, one daughter 14.)
Affair with HS sweetheart.
Divorced January 26, 2016

posts: 602   ·   registered: Oct. 14th, 2014
id 8702078
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 1:19 PM on Thursday, December 2nd, 2021

Charity411 has great advice.

Start by changing one thing. And then build from there.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 11183   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8702090
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CuriousObserver ( member #78743) posted at 7:37 PM on Friday, December 10th, 2021

Great advice Charity.

I'll add to that, it could be time for a new IC. A fresh perspective could do wonders.

I'm so sorry you are here. You will prevail.

Listen to their words but believe their actions.
The power of a lie is that it is believed to be truth.

posts: 141   ·   registered: May. 3rd, 2021   ·   location: USA
id 8703517
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skeetermooch ( member #72169) posted at 6:47 PM on Thursday, December 16th, 2021

I've certainly been where you are. You may need longer than three years. When my marriage ended to my son's narc father (not the cheater), I was working a crap job, scraping by barely, while he got his law degree, bought a huge impressive house and married a woman 15 years my junior. I was driving an old junker - she had a 50k hybrid SUV - it was humbling to say the least.

It took me 4-5 years to get on my feet but I more than accomplished that. I set goals and did what I could a little at a time to reach them. I built a social life. I focused on the little home and life I had with my kids. When I finally emerged from that dark place I didn't care if my ex lived in a mansion with a super model and a stack of gold bars - I was free from abuse and I was happy again.

It can take longer than we think it should. We can make progress and backslide. That's normal. Try not to beat yourself up - being loving to yourself and trust that the way you feel right now will not be permanent.

Me: BS 58DDay 1 - 7/2019 False Reconciliation - Spring/2020DIVORCED - 1/2021

posts: 1193   ·   registered: Nov. 28th, 2019
id 8704524
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Tallgirl ( member #64088) posted at 1:56 PM on Saturday, December 18th, 2021

I am so sorry to hear about the place you are in. I am 3 yrs out and decided to stop dating. For a lot of the same reasons. You are not alone.

I love Charity’s advice. If you focus on you, it will get better. In small degrees. That is my plan

Legally separated, one more step.

posts: 1787   ·   registered: Jun. 11th, 2018
id 8704910
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