Yeah I won't disagree with anyone telling me I'm acting desperate, pathetic or weak willed etc. I realize this, I did read and am reading a book about codependency and do see alot of myself in there, something I'm working on.
I think I just keep thinking back to how good things were when all this didnt happen, I was so happy to have those dreams of a really blissful future with her but yeah I have to come to an acceptance that those things are lost with her and will have to rebuild them with someone else who deserves all that I did for her and she appreciated none of it.
I didnt used to be like this at all, I went into depression during my 2nd year of medical school and became quite dependent on her and she truly was there for me during that time and was probably codependent on me. Now after her infidelity and her continual denial to move our relationship forward (something she said she had an affair because of - because she wanted to get married before but I said to wait until I just finish school so that I can support us financially as well and I would not even be in the same country as her), I think she took that as a sign of lack of commitment and then just went rogue ever since. Though, I never cheated on her, wasn't ever mean to her, always listened to her, helped her through anything she needed, tried to see her as often as I could etc. Then finding out after that she cheated, I think my self esteem took a really big hit and I became obsessed that if I could get her back, it would mean I am better than OM - these are just really honest thoughts im writing here.
I know everyone says her cheating had nothing to do with me, but I keep thinking to myself, maybe if I was taller, more handsome, richer so I could have just married her then, or more assertive as everyone has pointed out, etc then I would have kept her and I keep thinking I lost her because of a deficiency in me as opposed to her screwing up. im trying to shift this narrative in me as everyone tells me that its really the other way around.
I think she also toys with my mind a bit, like yesterday a significant person in her family passed away and our families are close, so I had to phone her family / parents and her to offer my respects and condolences and while I was trying to stay on topic she just stopped me mid sentence and was like "Hey dont worry, I love you so much, seriously I love you so much" and I was just like ... stunned, and my reflex was to just say I love you too and then before she ended the call she did the same, she said I love you. I get so confused, like if you do, then why dont you want to be with me? Why do you constantly do this? She knows that I had been acting out in the last 10 months or so because of her refusal to listen to me, she constantly pushed me and pushed me until I would snap and then she would cry and I had no feelings left to comfort her with and then I would feel like shit. Then when she ended things this time around, she blamed it all on me again, saying he fought with me everyday but I did no such thing, I only retaliated to her instigations I didnt fight at all. I never once brought up an issue to her, I was just trying to exist with her, w/out intimacy yes but I never once started a fight, but she would constantly complain about my behaviour even when I wasn't doing anything (I was just working, I work at 2 clinics and on my free time I would just eat and play video games).
I could have stayed in the USA with her after my med school ended but because of COVID I had to delay my residency app to this year and had to come back home for a year so we were long distance, she could have visited me but I wasn't allowed to go to the US and she didnt even try that once, like I keep telling myself this isnt on me, I would have done anything but so why is she still so successful at pinning everything on me, I seriously dont get why my brain keeps defaulting to blaming myself, like my looks, or my behaviour when I literally was in just survival mode - hardly feeling anything, just numb to everything and just drowning myself in work and distractions to keep the pain away from our relationship being shit and her not doing anything about it. I had finally got to a point where I was like - there is nothing left for me to do, I have said and done everything for her - the rest of this relationship and its life is in her hands and lets see what she does, and part of me saw this coming and yet it still kills me.