SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

In the spirit of madoldbat, I'm starting a thread for WS's to stay NC with their AP.

Rules of thread:
NO BS's. I don't even recommend they read this- it's going to be too triggering.

WS's:
-Post here if you're tempted to respond to AP's contact.
-Post here if you're grieving the loss.
-Post here your "Dear John" letter.

NO complaining about your spouse
NO comparing AP to spouse

THIS IS NOT FOR WS's WHO WANT TO GO BACK TO AP's. WE ARE ONLY SAYING GOODBYE, ROASTING AP, OR GRIEVING THE LOSS OF THE HIGH WE GOT FROM THEM.

This is a triage thread for addicts in withdrawal.

I really hope that WS take advantage of this thread. I suspect some may be afraid to, especially if their BS is on SI.

I’ll go first.

It’s been over 5 years since I last spoke or saw you. I remember when I thought you were my soulmate. I thought I was making the biggest mistake of my life when I ended the A and "let you get away". 🙄

I can clearly remember the moment when the illusion of who I thought you were was ripped away. It was like someone had punched me in the gut. Not because you had moved on, but because the enormity of what I’d done really hit me.

I’m glad you’re gone from my life.

I'll be game too- only fair since I started it.

You're a POS. I'm not the first, won't be the last your lying sack of shit self hits on. I'm even concerned for another person under your supervision that's vulnerable right now.

You prey on insecure and vulnerable women. You don't deserve your wife, no matter how much you had to bitch about with her.

Eventually your karma will catch up to you. I'll be glad when it does.

Bump

My story: 2-month long EA and PA (short but intense). Dday 7 weeks ago. NC for 2 weeks after several failed previous efforts, the longest of which lasted 12 days. R efforts with my H are going better than I could have ever hoped, but I am still just overwhelmed with grief and longing for my xAP. I can’t wrap my head around the idea of never speaking to him again.

I feel desperate to know how he’s doing, and my brain will not stop trying to come up with an "acceptable" way for us to be in touch. Of course at the same time I know there is no acceptable way. I know that NC is the only option. But I can’t stop thinking about it, and I’m afraid it’s only a matter of time before I inevitably give in to my worst instincts. I’m afraid I’m just not strong enough.

A friend who has been through rehab several times suggested that I try "urge surfing" whenever I felt an impulse to reach out to my xAP. Essentially, the idea is that urges are like waves in that they build, peak, and fade away, and if we can just acknowledge and accept them without acting on them they will eventually pass. But my urges to reach out don’t ever seem to pass. I’m so disappointed in myself and so angry at my own mind.

Hi purple. Welcome to SI.

Can you tell us a little more about how things unfolded? Was this a "Not Just Friends" situation where the AP was in your life for a long time, or did the affair go from 0 to 100 shortly after you met? How were you caught? Is the AP married? Is all the reaching out happening from your side?

R efforts with my H are going better than I could have ever hoped, but I am still just overwhelmed with grief and longing for my xAP.

Tell me a little about this, too. Is your BH aware of the pining and the failures in NC? Was this an exit affair for you, or did you believe that you could keep both your marriage and the A going indefinitely?

There's a lot to unpack in suddenly and permanently losing a person that you were close to, even if you never should have been close to begin with. In many ways, it's like a death, except that you're not allowed to grieve. In fact, you're supposed to do everything in your power to keep them dead and defile their memory.

Strong bonds with APs are what's known as limerence or new relationship energy ("NRE"). It's primal, chemical, and temporary. It inflates a mild compatibility to feeling like "soulmate" level. Real relationships make it through this stage, and you start to see the person behind it. You, however, were cut off at the height of NRE, and so it's not surprising that you feel addicted. You'll need some help to talk you through.

I'm going to bump a thread called "Maia's Withdrawal Survival Guide," and hopefully, that will be a good place to start. You might also want to begin your own thread, since this one is intended to be a "journal to the AP" structure. But if you do, be sure to keep the stop sign on. We have some amazing BS here who give compassionate advice to WS, but falling out of love with an AP is support that only a wayward can give you. Some BS will understandably be deeply triggered, and they may say something to you that cuts you deeply and gets them banned from this forum. I honestly believe it's kinder to everyone to keep your topic restricted.

Hi Purple,

Sorry you're here, but you're in a good spot to get help. Keep posting.

And use this thread when you're feeling an urge- it's really helpful to put what you want to say in words and not to send it to AP. We're here for you and can give you good feedback and relate.

Also, it may be too early, but I wrote a Dear John letter to my AP that helped me sort out WHY I was in the affair and what it meant to me. It helped me figure out it wasn't HIM, but his ATTENTION that I missed.

Stay NC. Post it here.

I’m a MH.

I have been NC for months. we never met up but he was a blast from the past.

Being a MH makes it difficult for me because the longing I felt for him makes me think that my wH is thinking of his AP in the same way. I also feel like the OW as well so it’s pretty messed up

When I want to call him I remind myself that he’s a loser and that he would only be worth in a fantasy and I’m trying to live in reality.

You're on the right track, Mickie. Good for you.

Hi, purple. Still with us?

I am a MH.

I hate that I miss my xAP. I had hoped once I went NC that he would try a bit harder to contact me. I’ve been feeling withdrawal. Because I am a MH I am always putting my emotions and experience up and comparing it with my husband. Im glad that he, the AP was able to stay away and not reach out to me because it gives me hope that my husband has truly done the same. However I secretly hope that my AP thinks of me and is holding good feelings about me in his heart——-but I’d die s thousand deaths if I discovered my husband was doing the same.

Things are going well with my xWH now.

Hi Mickie,

Did you divorce your WH? Or is he FWH?

It's hard to not use the fantasy of your AP to prop you up when you're feeling down. It's like having an imaginary friend in your head- some one you can talk to and share your day with, but never have to actually relate to.

Keep up with the NC. When you feel yourself pining for him, remind yourself of how unhealthy the relationship was and how unhealthy it would be for you to continue it.

Hang in there.

to XAP,

the purpose of this letter is to cleanse.

for what it's worth, i am utterly appalled at my prior behavior. i look upon my actions as soul-sucking, gut-wrenching idiocity.

i need to stay focused. i will stay focused. i will not be dumpster diving--

"When God takes out the trash, don't go digging back through it. Trust Him."

signed, sunny

edited: to get it right by saying what i should have said the first time.

[This message edited by sundance at 5:30 PM, Wednesday, April 6th]

Sundance, that was beautiful!

I liked the "ice skating over the stained pond" image. Keep skating, keep on going.

It sounds like doing the work is tough right now. What's blocking you? Are you doing the step program? My mom's husband (married after my dad died) is an alcoholic. He's graduated the program and still works the steps and goes to meetings. He's at a place where he's been mentor to a few people over the years. I hope you can get there and want to encourage you that it can be done.

Early days, I used to think about AP and miss the "high" and easy praise/positivity that I got from him. You're right to equate him to drinking- it's another addiction that chains you to an unhealthy substance. Healthy people don't have A's.

Be patient with yourself in this season of celibacy. It's going to help you heal and really give you space to ponder what you truly want and need from a partner.

Good luck, and keep on going. You're on the right track.

It sounds like doing the work is tough right now. What's blocking you?

i would not say that i'm finding the work tough right now. i don't feel blocked.

simply put, my journal is now my safe place, and i didn't want that letter to ap to be in my safe place.

this forum/thread was a perfect place to dump that trash.

if something "triggered" me, it was likely the fact that a friend of mine had a relapse (w/alcohol), and i found that scary ('cause it was someone i thought was strong and past "failure"). i know better than to turn to the bottle, or ap, when feeling stressed-- neither are acceptable ways to soothe.

posting here was an outlet for my mind. i didn't want to obsess about "failure" or relapse all night, so my goal was to put it here and be done with.

i'm done with it.

thanks for the safe space (it served its purpose)! sunny

I don’t know if this is helpful to anyone or not, but I will share a bit because I had an extremely limerant affair, and while I was NC with AP even before I confessed it was not an easy process to become NC in my brain.

First you must get very mindful. Being present in the pain of withdrawal is very hard. It takes consistency.

I found it helped to create some rituals in my day and work my way up to more. Just focusing on breathing for 30 seconds can be a good start. Then I would take ordinary tasks and make it an exercise to be completely present.

Also it’s hard to make the thoughts stop because you are creating a narrative to keep up your highs. You are depleted of dopamine and that’s the source you have programmed as your go to.

Notice when you do think of them it’s shit you are making up. Ask yourself, what proof do I have of that? What proof do I have to the contrary. Looking back my ap really didn’t treat me all that well.
I would use those times to dispel the story I was telling myself about how great they were. Eventually I saw way more proof of being used than being "loved"

Love is more than feelings, contemplate on what it is. To me it’s actions. What do their actions show? What did yours show? If you are honest with yourself you will admit that your actions were coming from a place of neediness, nothing to do with who they actually are.

My therapist told me in the beginning that I needed to learn to light myself up. I had no idea what that meant or how to achieve it. In fact it just made me feel more anxious, depressed, and overwhelmed.

That began a journey of self discovery that I am still on today. I have had to find the path to what my passions are in a healthy way. I tend to think there are more affairs now than ever because people are not present in their life. They don’t know why they are unhappy but all they do is work, take care of home duties, spend time escaping in their phone or watching tv.

Happiness comes from doing things you love. It’s a form of self care. Self care is a signal to yourself that you love yourself. The more you find healthy ways to do that the more you will learn happiness comes from within and not from other people.

It’s never perfect. I have learned that sometimes you just have to sit with your difficult feelings and accept them. At the same time know it’s temporary.

Most of you are here because you numbed yourself to the point of stagnation and when you became depressed or couldn’t deal with that numbness anymore you tried to get your feelings propped up through another person.

Because you felt like a big piece of shit you didn’t try and get them from your spouse because they know you and all your flaws. It feels like they know how shitty you are (that’s just another narrative you were telling yourself - though now that your spouse knows they see it now too) you sought your ap (maybe unconsciously) because you need someone who could see you in the light you wanted them to.

They were of course willing to do that in exchange for what they needed too. Two people at their worst rolling around in the mud together is never a foundation for a strong everlasting love.

It also helped me to read things like Dr Frank Pittman wrote because there is a normal neurological response in having an affair that can be predicted over and over with certainty. When you read enough of this you have to see what is happening is not at all unique, or special it’s as simple as Pavlov’s dog.

I also read about other forms of addiction and it’s same song different verse with a limerant affair. I am addressing that mostly here because other types of affairs do not have addictive withdrawal situations.

Eventually, and this part took years, I did get over the shame and humiliation of what I did. Those emotions stay longer than they are helpful and they have to be overcome in order to get to a place of wholeness. It’s very hard to eliminate either of those without a period of time creating a better recent history.

The best thing you can do is take each day as it comes and do your absolute best to work on yourself. Rinse and Repeat. Even if you don’t feel happy, relief, etc. To believe in yourself again you have to do that work that makes you that reliable person.

It’s for that reason I think journaling, meditation, practicing presence, a daily gratitude ritual, trying new hobbies, practicing being a good rebuilder, etc are great supporting roles in growth and with consistent practice you will become someone you can feel proud of again. This will then in turn allow you to begin to let go of the shame. Shame is not helpful.

When you lose the shame, it allows you to expand and make room for plans of retribution, feelings of empathy and remorse, and building back (or or the first time) feelings of accomplishment, self love, self respect, etc.

I now know that I can have joy regardless of my circumstances. That I can fulfill all my own needs and my relationships with others are a wonderful enhancement. They are just not a requirement in order for me to be happy. That part is a bit more advanced.

Know that self love isn’t a permanent thing, it’s something we strive for through our whole lives. Grief is not linear either and you will go back and forth for a while until eventually the bad points get shorter and the good points get longer.

Eventually you do have to put it away in your mind, but glean the lessons first and do not leave your spouse hanging.

If you fill your life with what you want it to be you will find yourself pushing aside the AP and the go to narratives you have, because you are too full ti do so. You will care about yourself enough to stop dragging yourself down.

If it crosses my mind today, I simply remind myself I am clear of that situation now and I change the channel. It took a long time to figure out how to stop overthinking and obsessing and analyzing things from every angle. Being in the present is so helpful, there is too much anxiety in the past and future.

Learn to love yourself so well that if no one else did you would be okay. And learn that the effort you put into something is what makes it valuable. You shifted your efforts to someone outside of your marriage. That made it seem more valuable. The magic of having a good marriage is being the right partner and putting that effort in every day.

Find a way to do that or please just let your spouse go so they can cut their losses and start to heal.

Thanks for the beautiful post HO. I miss your contributions here. You really were a big help to me when I first came here.