Thank you everybody.
Post Anniversary, I took a couple of days off work.
I spent the first day in bed, crying, feeling angry and frustrated and scared and sorry for myself.
I spent today having a weight lifted off me for the first time in a year. This was partly down to the advice given here and the feeling of being heard and understood (thank you everybody).
The weight came off because I had an epiphany.
I had believed this date had to mean so much, and I had attached a meaning to that in the sense of expectation from him.. I wanted him to be "fully enlightened" and to have "done the work". I was frustrated by how many setbacks R has had when my faith had been placed in it. I was angry for my losses and for the agency that was taken away from me for so many things.
I have run around these past months feeling like the solution to me feeling better was wrapped up in him somehow. For him to earn my trust back, for him to make me feel safe, for him to make good choices and fully "get it" and most of all for him to jump through hoops to prove to me that he loved me and only me. Anger upon anger was building in resentment and disappointment and each of his failures felt like "proof" he obviously didn't love me enough.
@The1stWife your posts in particular really helped me because they reminded me I am loved, and that he got us into this mess because he has flaws and weaknesses. A quote comes to mind, "we rarely solve problems from within the binary which they were created". And my H is in the binary which he created the problems still.
For a year I was spoon-feeding him R and healing. Yes, he has been sick and is coming out of a breakdown, but even without that considered, since all this began it's been me finding the right books, courses, forums like this and so on, me creating plans and ideas, me posting here and reading endless resources. Not just trying to solve our healing, but trying to direct HIS. It's been me doing all the work.
While he has been preoccupied with mainly dealing with the fallout. He had to cope with me finding out about this. Public humiliation. A psycho AP and deep psychological damage from abuse with her, which had triggered childhood abuse. With doing difficult things like filing police reports and getting his work involved. With moving job, country, life to get away from AP. All of this, whilst having a breakdown. And trying his best to love me but not having the right tools for R.
I hadn't done IC because I felt "why the fuck am I going to counselling for something he did if he can't go himself?"
I just suddenly felt this weight lifted when I realised that no one can actually decide my healing but me. I don't have to go the rest of my life with someone I can't trust, I can choose in time if I trust him and go if I want to. I don't have to heal him to heal me. I don't have to feel "unsafe", if he doesn't want to help me feel fully safe with him, then I won't, but I can make my own safety. I don't need him to meet my emotional needs -IC can do that. I just felt like control was given back to me.
It's my birthday in a few days.
Last years birthday, he and I were 5000 miles apart.
I have a selfie I took that day of my face, only a few days after DDay, and my eyes are haunted with pain. I decided this year, I will take a new selfie and my eyes will be strong with resilience.
Last year, as I said, he was 5000 miles away a few days after DDay. I spent my birthday with AP calling me on every phone in my house (she had infiltrated his HR file at work and found my details) and she was using Voip or something to call and text incessantly, and I was crying and begging her to stop and leave me alone. My 16 year old kid was next to me watching this shit unfold.
Meanwhile 5000 miles away, crazy AP was actually calling and harassing me from the porch of WHs house! She was simultaneously texting and calling him too. WH and I were on the phone to each other with me crying saying, "please make her stop" and him saying he was so sorry, she was crazy.
He tried to get in his car to get away as she was kicking on the door and broke off the handle and ripped the screen door right off. She literally jumped on the bonnet of his moving car. He called a colleague who came to help, and the colleague let him hide out at his house, and mutual friends came to "take care" of crazy AP. This went on from 7pm to 3am in the morning, and when WH finally came home, he was texting me from the dark in the hallway of the house, in fear she may see the light and attack him again.
What we have lived through is almost incredible. Like a terrible movie.
I sit here now and realise I have a fresh page and a new chapter and I am going to be HAPPY AGAIN. I am going to start dressing up again and doing my hair and eating and going running and being ME again because this situation can't define me anymore.
I am going to stop spoonfeeding WH healing or R. He can have a partial R if that's what he wants. If he wants better, he can learn to sink or swim all by himself. He is still loved, what he chooses to do will be his to decide.
I called a counsellor. Some online service and spent 2.5 hours (poor woman!!!) just venting. I vented ALL my sadness for the things which were taken away from me. Big stuff, like the hundreds of days WH was "friends" with some other woman and giving her time, medium stuff like a ruined birthday, and silly little stuff like being unable to do certain things anymore because they upset me. I got raw empathy I badly needed.
Today I feel ready to make year 2 way better, and let go out the outcome of the M
Thank you all