Newest Member: AcesEights

Divorce/Separation :
Don’t know what to do!!

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 Joebin1225 (original poster new member #79561) posted at 3:04 AM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

So I found out about my wife’s affair back on March 15 2021. When I found about about the affair it was only going on for 3 weeks. Long story short my wife and I went back and forth where she would swear it was over, I found find out weeks later it wasn’t and so on. That went on for about 4 months until I finally put my foot down and said we need to separate.
The separation didn’t last very long bc my wife called me crying one day saying she missed me and the kids and wanted to work on our marriage for real this time. So come to find out her affair partner dumped her and moved on dating other women. I told her she could come back (idiot I know) but we would take things slow and we would sleep in other rooms. I still needed to work on myself and focus on the kids. My trust with her was so shattered I didn’t just want to jump right back into it and act like everything was ok.
Well as time went on things between us got a lot better. For around 3-4 months my wife and I started to really rebuild our marriage and things were going great. She said she wanted to redo our wedding vows, she took dozens of boudoir photos for me (some she asked me to join in on), she was going above and beyond to do things to regain my trust back. We were going amazing until one day she lied to me about where she went of the night.
A couple of weeks ago my wife told me she had plans to go out with one of her girlfriends from work for just a drink or two. She told me the location and that she would only be out for about an hour or two. With how well we were doing and how she was doing so well earning my trust back I had no problems with it. Well about 2 or so hours later I decided to call my wife to ask her to grab something on the way home but when I called her phone was off. Of course it made me freak out so I checked her location and of course I couldn’t find her bc her phone was off. So now I’m freaking out since I can’t get a hold of my wife and have no idea of were she could be. The only thing I knew was that when I checked her location she did not go to the bar bc her last location before she turned her phone off was waaaaay past the bar she told me she was going to.
So I’m sitting on the couch and about to have a panic attack bc I was reliving the feelings of when we were in the worse parts of the affair when she leave to she her AP and turn her phone off. I was thinking worse case scenario about everything. Then all of a sudden I get a text from her and she was trying to flip the quilt onto me bc I never texted her when her phone was off (I only called her about a dozen times). I was going to text her but it was going to be a very shitty text so I decided not to. I asked her where she went and then she confessed she needed some time to herself and went for a drive down to the beach. I assumed the beach that’s 15 mins away from our home until I realized he last know location was nowhere near there. When I called her out on that she said she went to the south beach (much farther away) and that’s when my heart sank into my chest. So the beach she decided to drive all the way to is the beach that her AP apartments complex is located at.
So a recap I the situation: my wife lied to me all day about her plans for the night, she purposefully turned her phone off so I couldn’t she where she was going, and she went to the one place that she should not have gone. She still swears up and down that she just needed some time to herself but lied to me about it bc she didn’t want me to get angry about her plans. How am I suppose to believe her!? She lied to my face for over 4 months swearing the affair was over.
So ever since that night my wife has been acting different, we fight all the time now and she just acts like I don’t exist. Last week we had a fight and she broke down telling me that she doesn’t know if she will ever love me again and that her AP is the only person she feels she has ever truly loved. She said that she thinks bc what she had with her AP was unlike anything she ever experienced and that she probably never was in love with me in the first place.
Well let me tell you those words completely broke me. We have been together for 10 years, and have 2 children and to hear something like that come from your wife’s mouth was soul shattering. Here I am still in love with my wife and thinking we were doing so well and she lays this bomb on me.
Every since then she has been so cold and distant towards me. She doesn’t text me at all when I’m at work and when I get home she couldn’t care less. She only talks to me when she needs something or needs me to watch the kids. I haven’t heard her say she loves me in like a week, she doesn’t want to kiss me or hug me. She pulled a complete 180 every since that night she lied to me. Everything has gone to shit, all the progress we were making seems wasted. If I try to talk to her she just defensive now and it turns into fights.
My heart is broken all over again and I don’t know what to do. At this point I’m contemplating divorce. I don’t want to lose my wife but I can’t go through this again bc it’s killing me.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2021
id 8696707
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Muggle ( member #62011) posted at 4:03 AM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

My heart is broken all over again and I don’t know what to do. At this point I’m contemplating divorce. I don’t want to lose my wife but I can’t go through this again bc it’s killing me.

Your heart is broken, and she's done it yet again. You've already gone through this again, and it's devastating. You don't want to believe the worst but you know in your heart you have a sick feeling that she's not being honest.

You can't live like this, you are holding onto something that has a grip on you but it's toxic. Letting go, and coming to terms are something only you can do. You are at a crossroads and you are hurting. This cycle will continue until you make a choice on how much you are willing to put up with.

No one can tell you what your heart is telling you. You want this to turn out ok, but sadly it rarely does. The best thing you can do is prepare yourself emotionally to step away from the chaos. Speak to an attorney, put yourself in the driver's seat. Get a councilor if you're having a hard time emotionally wrapping your head around what's going on. You have to stay balanced, focused and take care of yourself.

I'm very sorry you're feeling this way and going through this. Many of us have been down this path, and you will survive this. It will take time, but right now just make sure you eat, sleep, take care of your child, and try not to dwell on what you can't control.

((Hugs))

Me: 58 Him: 58 DD Feb 2018 (my bday) with woman she's been married 5+ times. He married OW he knew her 14 days. They're getting divorced after 2.5 yrs. I'm healed, karma delivered, he and I got counseling, and boundaries. Life goes on.

posts: 395   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2017
id 8696713
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 4:11 AM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

I’m a little confused because you’re posting in the divorce/separation forum but it sounds like you would like to reconcile. It takes both partners giving 100% for a shot at R. Your WW is showing you she has no interest in R.

Go to the healing library here and read up on the simplified 180. If you haven’t already, get to a lawyer and find out what divorce would look like for you. I don’t often say this but since she’s openly hostile to you and your marriage, I’d recommend you file.

She’s rewriting your history together and moving away from the marriage. There’s nothing to work with here. If at some point she pulls her head out of her ass and you find you still care you can always reevaluate.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8696714
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Forks027 ( member #59996) posted at 7:21 AM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

She's pretty much completely checked out. Rewritten your history and is all over the AP. Thing is, your wife's words about never having loved anyone like her AP aren't new to this community either.

Time to pull a 180 of your own. Time to detach and get a plan in place for the possibility of a life without her.

There's the probability that she won't get her head out of her ass until you actually pull the trigger for divorce, but don't put too much hope into that. Right now, she's no longer your wife. You need to protect yourself and your kids and focus on detaching for your own emotional health.

Sorry you had to join this club, OP.

posts: 276   ·   registered: Aug. 4th, 2017
id 8696723
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Trdd ( member #65989) posted at 2:08 PM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

She is in limerance... in fantasy land and obsessed with her AP.

Read up on the 180 process here on the site because you are in infidelity and need to get out of it, one way or the other. I do think starting the divorce process is likely a very good option. It might be the large dose of cold water she needs to pull her out of fantasy land. If she runs to the AP and you D, you still get out of infidelity.

Have you exposed her A to her family? Does the AP have a spouse or partner that you can expose him to? Exposure usually helps kill the fantasy too.

posts: 405   ·   registered: Aug. 27th, 2018   ·   location: US
id 8696744
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WontBeFooledAgai ( member #72671) posted at 7:33 PM on Thursday, November 4th, 2021

OP, have you ever heard of Sunken Costs. That is what is happening here. You really put yourself on a limb and went against your better judgement and betrayed YOURSELF by taking your WW back a few months ago. Now subconsciously at least, you are desperate for your gamble to work. You want the payout for all you put in and gave up, even if the payout is an unfaithful woman.

The more effort you put in though, the harder it is to cut your losses and have the suffering you went through to keep your wife around be all for naught. That's the Sunken Cost Fallacy. It's probably why you are finding it much harder kicking her out again, even though she deserves to be kicked out even more this time. So now you are continuing to betray yourself and throw away your self-respect all the more to try to get her back. You are doing the Pick-Me Dance and putting up with even more of her disrespect time and time again, hoping there will finally be a payout.

What you are doing however, NEVER works. Putting up with your WW's disrespect won't wake her up, and besides that YOU will lose more and more respect for yourself. All this anger you are stuffing down will come back to haunt you.

You already know what you need to do--stop the Pick-Me Dance and file for divorce. Meanwhile expose your WW's affair. Get your self-respect back. Ironically this is the only way possible to get your WW to wake up.

[This message edited by WontBeFooledAgai at 9:14 PM, Thursday, November 4th]

posts: 333   ·   registered: Jan. 26th, 2020
id 8696793
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 2:02 AM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

So ever since that night my wife has been acting different, we fight all the time now and she just acts like I don’t exist. Last week we had a fight and she broke down telling me that she doesn’t know if she will ever love me again and that her AP is the only person she feels she has ever truly loved. She said that she thinks bc what she had with her AP was unlike anything she ever experienced and that she probably never was in love with me in the first place.

That's not an attitude that you can work with. Your WW was clearly dishonest about going for an afterwork drink with her friends and it does seem quite likely that she was either in contact or seeking contact with her AP.

I'll be honest with you, I wouldn't bother fighting with her. In fact, I'd stop talking to her altogether unless it's about the children or about paying bills. I'd see an attorney, and I'd go ahead and file for divorce. I don't play either. If I filed, it would NOT be some kind of ploy or gambit to get my WS's attention. I would mean it.

It takes two to R and even then, it's hard work. You'd be wasting your time trying to drag your WW along when she doesn't have the God-given sense not to be bloviating to you (of all people) about how her AP is "unlike anything she's ever experienced". barf
Yes, you have kids. But you know what, you can still be as great a Dad as you choose to be, and who knows, you might move on and meet someone wonderful who ends up being a great step-mom. The bottom line is that your WW isn't the only game in town. You CAN still have a wonderful life.

What you'll learn quickly here in the Separation/Divorce forum is that divorce is business. Don't allow your STBX to drag you through a bunch of emotional exchanges. Keep your communications calm, businesslike, and in written form where possible. Check out wiretapping laws in your jurisdiction, and if there's no law against it, keep a VAR (voice activated recorder) on your person. You don't want any mistakes make and it's not unheard of for a WS to try and manufacture a domestic violence claim as a way of getting ahead. From here on out, don't say anything you wouldn't want read back to you by the court stenographer in family court.

R isn't necessarily off the table. Sometimes, when the chips are really down, a WS might manage to pull their shit together. But you don't owe her that. If you're done, you're done. It's your call.

posts: 4674   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8696851
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 6:37 AM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

Sounds like she’s back in the affair. The reality is she only came back for a soft comfortable place to land because her AP dumped her. You were plan B. Sorry but you now need to deal with reality. If not you’ll only keep yourself in limbo.

You should believe what she told you. Now find a good attorney and let her go. You can’t make her love you.

Go online a view your phone bill. That may tell you more info. Not that you need it.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8696889
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beb252 ( member #78948) posted at 10:41 AM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

She didn't really change. She just needed a safe place to go to when the AP initially dumped her since she has nowhere else to go than back to you albeit temporarily. She didn't stop the affair, it was right under your nose the whole time. She just waited for the right moment to get back to it when you lowered your defenses. Now, she's more careful since you can't oust her. She made the mistake the first time when she went out of your home, now she's in it and she won't go away while doing what she does.

posts: 398   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
id 8696895
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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 12:11 PM on Friday, November 5th, 2021

She's doing to you the 180 that you have to do to her. Stop doing pick me dance, it never works, actually it just makes everthing worse.

You made the mistake of getting her back when AP dumped her, now correct it and ask her to leave the house. She legally has the right to deny it, but maybe she won't. In these circumstances, her presence is very damaging to you emotionally. It's much better to be separate.

It seems that they never broke the contact. And as soon as AP was available, they started an affaire again. I don't think this will take too long. Her AP is obviously a jerk too. I say this not to give you hope, but as a warning to never take her back when she comes back. You may still be in love with her, but that shouldn't stop you from seeing the truth.

If you start to forget the real her, read what you wrote here to remember.

Contact a lawyer without delay and file for divorce.

Best wishes.

posts: 563   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2020
id 8696906
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HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 12:24 AM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

Last week we had a fight and she broke down telling me that she doesn’t know if she will ever love me again and that her AP is the only person she feels she has ever truly loved. She said that she thinks bc what she had with her AP was unlike anything she ever experienced and that she probably never was in love with me in the first place.

Joe- See this here is what most WW's say. They will rewrite your marital history so that they can justify what they're doing, what they've done, and what they plan to do. Otherwise, if you were in a happy marriage, why in the world would she ever want to go cheat? She has to not only sell this lie to herself, but she will be selling this lie to any and everyone that she can so that she doesn't look like a horrible cheating whore that she is.

Make no mistake, there may be a little bit of truth in what she is saying. Maybe she has lost some feelings, maybe she fell out of love, but the fact that she never loved you ever? Blatant lie. Her AP makes her feel like she never has........ Yea, that's another way of saying she's getting played by a player. You know why some guys are able to get a lot of ass? Its b/c they're willing to say and do things that genuine people just don't. I'm not lying to you to get some ass, and i'm certainly not willing to lie to you and tell you how beautiful you are when you're not just to get some pussy. Guess what? There are a bunch of Players who are absolutely willing to lie, and lie and lie some more to get what they can. I'm not willing to do that, and most normal genuine people aren't doing that either.

Your WW will learn her hard lesson, which I'm sure she got a taste of already when she got dumped the first time. She got played. And she'll get played again. Her need for this insatiable feeling and fake lurve will come out in the end, and she will end up feeling worst about herself. Lets face it, REAL LOVE is hard and it gets monnotnous. Life, kids, bills, ha, its just real life. She wants a fucken movie fantasy, well she can have it. The NOTEBook is not real life. Sorry. You know what's real? Cleaning up shit, dirty diapers, dishes and sick kids. Its not sexy, but with the right person, it will always turn out alright. Your WW is not the right person.

I suggest you send her ass on her way, and let her live out her fantasy. She is immature, emotionally stunted, and she'll go from man to man to get that feeling. But its never going to be enough, bc she is the one lacking, not you. You love her and she knows that. That's real. She doesnt know what love is.

posts: 1187   ·   registered: Jul. 5th, 2018   ·   location: Cali
id 8697145
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:55 PM on Saturday, November 6th, 2021

I regret when my H gave me the ILYBNILWY speech I did not just up and leave him.

Oh hell no I stuck around for 6 more months of the same crap.

Sometimes I wonder how you can recover from that. I’m not 100% sure I did.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8697240
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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 9:29 AM on Sunday, November 7th, 2021

Let her go and save yourself.

posts: 6791   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8697340
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 Joebin1225 (original poster new member #79561) posted at 1:22 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Thanks for the advice everyone. I asked for a divorce literally the next day after the original post. That night she went right back to her AP, confirmed everything.

Two weeks go by and he dumps her again hahahaha!! Now she is begging for me to take her back and I WILL NOT DO IT!!

It’s like a weight lifted off my shoulders and I’m ready to move on. I’m in a really good place right now, and I honestly feel sorry for her bc now she has nothing.

[This message edited by Joebin1225 at 1:25 PM, Friday, November 26th]

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2021
id 8700290
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Sofarsogood ( member #71991) posted at 2:56 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Glad you're sticking to not taking her back. Her actions have shown you she is definitely not a safe partner (no matter what she says). You and your children deserve better. Stay strong and let us know how you're doing!

posts: 291   ·   registered: Nov. 2nd, 2019   ·   location: Michigan
id 8700308
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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:06 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

Good to hear you made it into the lifeboat. Remember to keep paddling until you’re far enough away that the sinking wreckage doesn’t suck you under.

I make edits, words is hard

posts: 391   ·   registered: Sep. 7th, 2020
id 8700319
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 8:29 PM on Friday, November 26th, 2021

I asked for a divorce literally the next day after the original post.

But did you file? If so, the weeks that she has been away may work to your advantage.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3852   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8700416
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Jorge ( member #61424) posted at 5:34 AM on Saturday, November 27th, 2021

She lied to my face for over 4 months swearing the affair was over.

I told her she could come back (idiot I know) but we would take things slow and we would sleep in other rooms. I still needed to work on myself and focus on the kids. My trust with her was so shattered I didn’t just want to jump right back into it and act like everything was ok.

With how well we were doing and how she was doing so well earning my trust back I had no problems with it.


Your trust was on its way to being restored and your optimism, can be described as peculiar considering her interest in reconciling was AFTER her AP lost interest in her. Essentially you agreed to rug-sweep her infidelity and accepted being the 2nd option. You saw and believed what you wanted to see and believe, and hoped for. Not earning her love you can't control. Earning respect is maintaining your dignity is something you can control. I'd focus on that for the time being.

You knew who she was and was willing to risk being betrayed for a chance at reconciliation. It didn't work out and it will not in the future if she doesn't respect you and/or fear losing you. Right now, no such respect or fear exists because you haven't given her reason to feel this way.

You can start earning respect by not asking for the divorce but telling her you are divorcing her and would appreciate if she could sign here! (as you lay the doc down and point to her signature line). If not ready, tell give her a list of 3 attorney's she can call right away and schedule a time to pick them up on Wednesday evening. Wayward spouses can tell when you're fearful or posturing to get them to respond by being awaken. You have to be willing to lose the marriage sometimes to save it.

posts: 699   ·   registered: Nov. 14th, 2017   ·   location: Pennsylvania
id 8700467
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 Joebin1225 (original poster new member #79561) posted at 8:16 AM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

Yes I did file. We are currently legally separated, divorce decree is already written up. I’m actually trying to expedite the divorce due to A LOT of issues that have come up over the past few weeks.
I honestly want the marriage to end. I hit a wall and just can’t keep going on like this. Even if asking for a divorce was what she needed to "wake up", our marriage would be so toxic moving forward. I just don’t want that for myself and the kids.

posts: 3   ·   registered: Nov. 4th, 2021
id 8700565
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:37 AM on Sunday, November 28th, 2021

I’m sorry it had to come to this. Unfortunately you just knew this could never work and the marriage was over.

You deserve better.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10878   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8700570
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