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New Beginnings :
How to move on

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 DailyGratitude (original poster new member #79494) posted at 11:57 AM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

I am not sure if this is the appropriate forum to post this. I am new on SI so i am finding my way around.
I need to move on from my WH but don’t know where to begin. I am financially separated from him now. We settled amicably. I know i should do self care, do things that bring me joy, spend time with friends, meditate, etc. but that’s just all head knowledge to me. I feel like my heart isn’t following my head. I became an empty nester two months ago when my youngest left for college. So this is a time of great transition for me. What has worked for you? What concrete things can I do to not think about the cheater and find courage to move forward? How do I stop thinking that WH could have a wonderful life? Maybe it was me that made him miserable? These intrusive thoughts are so toxic!

posts: 28   ·   registered: Oct. 17th, 2021   ·   location: Connecticut
id 8695837
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countrydirt ( member #55758) posted at 1:30 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

This is a difficult phase as you move into your new life. I think it just takes time. I spent a lot of time walking and/or riding my bicycle or working on my yard. I was very deliberate about doing this on my own, alone. When those intrusive thoughts came about, I would listen to an audiobook to keep distracted. Sometimes, however, I would listen to music and just let those thoughts come on in and tried to deal with the pain, anger, sadness, despair and other emotions. Over time, those thoughts slowly faded away.

It was only after I was able to spend time alone and process that I was able to start getting out with new and old friends and start building a new existence. I'm not there yet, by any means, but looking back over the past 18 months, I'm much better than I was.

3 adult sons
Married 32 years. DDay1 - June 2016, DDay 2 - April 2017, Final DDay - May 2020. Divorced - January 2021

posts: 329   ·   registered: Oct. 25th, 2016   ·   location: Colorado
id 8695851
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BrokenheartedUK ( member #43520) posted at 6:17 PM on Saturday, October 30th, 2021

There's a lot you can do to assist yourself getting over the wall of this grief. I don't know if you're happy in your job, but you could think about alternate careers. I retrained recently and finished an online Masters this summer and was hired by the organization that I did an internship with. I'm 56!! My youngest left for college last year so I was preparing for that moment.

Another great way to move forward is to find some new friendships with people who don't know your Ex. I have met great friends through my Crossfit box and I also use BumbleBFF to find people who like to go see bands etc.

I know it can seem daunting to find new connections and paths forward, I get that, but this can be a golden opportunity to restart the you, you could have been. The point is, start putting one foot in front of the other. Research opportunities to make improvements in the part of your life that you M might have killed. Think about what makes YOU happy. You have an empty nest, and now you can restart your own life without the burden of supporting children. This is YOUR time.

If you really can't control the toxic thoughts, I would definitely suggest you see an IC. A lot of that is a form of "hanging on" and not letting the relationship/marriage go. Your Ex is never going to be a good person. He may move on and look happy or whatever, but he's a damaged, flawed individual and not worth the headspace. He didn't cheat because of anything that you did or didn't do--it was about him. Internalizing that is fundamental to moving forward with your own life. If you're really stuck, see an IC and start to work through what's unresolved for you. (((())))

Me: BS
He cheated and then lied. Apparently cheaters lie. Huh. 13 months of false R. Divorced! 8/16 3 teenage kids
"The barn's burnt down
Now
I can see the moon"
-Mizuta Masahide

posts: 3341   ·   registered: May. 24th, 2014
id 8695896
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