Newest Member: Butterfly19

Just Found Out :
Suspected EA

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 scaredwoman (original poster member #78680) posted at 6:33 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

xSO and I broke up, and one month later he moved in an "old friend" and her family into his home. We had a long-term relationship (6+ years) and I always knew about his friend, he swore they were never an item. Then when we break up she moves in with him. There had to have been an EA since she lived far from us, but he won't talk to me anymore or answer texts. After so many years together I figured I at least deserved an explanation, or just an honest "yes" when I heard the rumor of her living with him. Am I wrong to expect the bare minimum after so long?

I am currently trying to "detox" from him as I became very obsessed with wanting to know the truth. The break up was not ugly, he said feelings were just gone, and I believed him. We ended on what I thought were good terms and he told mutual friends he'd always be there for my kids as they spent a good portion of their childhood with him in their lives. We have mutual friends and did a lot over the years with people that I will no longer be hanging with.

I have an IC scheduled in 3 weeks, they couldn't get me in sooner.

I'm devastated.

[This message edited by scaredwoman at 7:05 PM, Wednesday, October 13th]

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8692962
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cheatingisabuse ( new member #75651) posted at 7:41 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

I'm so sorry you're going through this. Short answer; no you're not wrong or unreasonable to want that transparency, but that doesn't mean he'll give it. He's showing you his level of maturity by not responding to you. I know it's hard, but if I were you, I'd try to start letting go of the idea of knowledge of his infidelity as closure. His lack of response kind of tells you all you need to know about him. Good riddance.

posts: 15   ·   registered: Oct. 13th, 2020   ·   location: California
id 8692982
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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 8:07 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

It may or may not of constituted an EA. It can make sense for a platonic friendship to become romantic without it being an EA beforehand. It's also possible they are just starting out as roommates of sorts.

I wouldn't bother spending a bunch of time and effort to figure out what your ex was doing before you broke up. At this point you are broken up.

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1386   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8692993
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Notaboringwife ( member #74302) posted at 8:34 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

but he won't talk to me anymore or answer texts.

From your story, I see that:

1. He has moved out and moved on with his life.
2. Your break up ended on good terms.
3. He is doing a NC with you.
4. You seem to be "after" him to validate an EA and to validate his"old friend" living with him.

Break ups can be heartbreaking. And it seems so raw for you. It almost sounds like you have a real dilemma with him moving on with his life so fast, while you are left devastated.

I hope in time, you find out the truth from him, but it seems to me that for now at least, his NC is telling you another story. And should he ever talk with you again, he may just withhold the truth or come clean.

Meanwhile, take care of yourself, focus on your"detox", and I wish you the very best.

It's your road & yours alone. Others may walk it with you, but no one can walk it for you.Though nobody can go back and make a new beginning... you can start over and make a new ending.

posts: 220   ·   registered: Apr. 24th, 2020
id 8693000
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13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 8:43 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

If he was in an A with her, he probably felt relieved that he broke up with you and got you out of the house without a confrontation. I doubt that he'll be willing to open the door to a hard conversation now.

I am currently trying to "detox" from him as I became very obsessed with wanting to know the truth.

Though I know that you want more information to satisfy your curiosity, I think you need to work hard at letting this one go. There's nothing good for you here. If he is a cheater who's too much of a wussy to tell the truth, good riddance. If he's not - if he told the truth and is just doing the friend a favor, it's none of your business anymore.

We ended on what I thought were good terms and he told mutual friends he'd always be there for my kids as they spent a good portion of their childhood with him in their lives.

He was likely trying to look/feel like the good guy.

I know the unanswered questions are tough and painful. I'm sorry that you're hurting.

The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem

The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.

DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married

posts: 547   ·   registered: Apr. 13th, 2017   ·   location: TX
id 8693002
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 scaredwoman (original poster member #78680) posted at 9:41 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Thank you, all very valid points to consider.

After so much time together it does hurt that he moved on so fast and moved her into his home but never considered living with me.

And after having dealt with infidelity in a previous relationship he knew what it would do to me. So he broke up with me, I get new info and am crushed anyway.

posts: 172   ·   registered: Apr. 20th, 2021
id 8693015
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oldmewasmurdered ( new member #79473) posted at 11:21 PM on Wednesday, October 13th, 2021

Hi. I am nowhere as experienced in this (my own post was literally below yours xD), but just want to give some perspectives.

Was there EA? It's possible. Logically speaking it doesn't matter at this stage, because either way you need to move on from him.

If he cheated? Yeah well fuck that you need to move on.

If he didn't cheat? Well you just learned that he gets over relationship very fast and you need to move on yourself.

So you see it doesn't matter since your action is the same. I know emotionally it does not feel that way. I know the feeling I am going through the same thing right now. However letting him live rent-free in your head and tormenting yourself over something that, in the long run won't matter for your personal decision, is just going to cause you unneeded torment.

So the logical decision is to accept it for what it is and move on. Emotionally? You might need some time to accept it, but know you're doing the right thing for yourself and it takes time.

posts: 11   ·   registered: Oct. 12th, 2021   ·   location: Canada
id 8693041
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