yowbw2019 (original poster new member #74697) posted at 6:22 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
Hi, I'm posting after a huge fight with my husband in which I realized that he's not capable or willing to be the person I need, which is someone who will sit with his shame, guilt and anger and still tell me meaningfully that he's sorry and that he will continue to do everything he can to help me heal. He thinks because he's cleaned the house I'm supposed to be grateful and see that he's changed, but I feel as if he either has no empathy for me or does not understand what it is. I've told him several times while I appreciate what he does, he needs to do the things that matter to me. His first reaction is to defend what he did or didn't do, and I'm not sure if he doesn't care or if he actually cannot change the way he communicates. I guess I feel stuck because for the most part, things are okay, and most days it's "good enough" but not ideal because I am still so triggered by many things. We are two and a half years out and I'm just wondering if this is as good as reconciliation gets? How do I know when things are for the better or when it's time to give up?
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 6:53 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
I was in your shoes. Though my H tried very hard and he didn’t push back or defend if I needed to discuss his affair and his intent to D me, I was still struggling.
Thing is the cheater can only do so much to help you heal, even if they do everything you need. And more.
The rest is on you. I watched a YouTube video by Will Smith called Fault vs Responsibility. The affair was nit your fault. But it’s your responsibility to heal yourself.
It may mean you have to accept less from him b/c that’s all he can do. Most cheaters are cowards and will never willingly discuss the affair or their issues.
So you can remain stick or choose to do what you need to fully heal. I decided my happiness is more important snd if I have to accept some damage to the armor of our marriage then that’s what I need to do.
Because living my life being unhappy is not the way o choose to live
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 6:56 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
You get to define 'good enough'.
IMO, R is the process of building an M that serves you both. You say your H gives you only what he wants to give. That's the easy part. If he's not giving you what you want, is that good enough for you?
What's keeping you in your M? You once wrote of your fear of making a mistake.
There's no way around that fear. You can't predict the future. You may make a mistake in leaving. You may make a mistake in staying.
I understand that you want a certain type of R, but you're not getting that. What's the next best thing that you can get? What do you want that you can have?
I'm sorry your H hasn't stepped up. I understand it's very painful. Remember that it's often not the A that causes a D - it's the WS's behavior after d-day that causes it.
Grieve your losses ... and make the best choice you can to maximize your future joy.
JMO, of course.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.
CaptainRogers ( member #57127) posted at 7:51 PM on Sunday, October 10th, 2021
most days it's "good enough" but not ideal
I think that this is the dilemma most of us have to reconcile. Will we accept "good enough" or will we continue to chase "ideal"?
Perfect doesn't exist anywhere. Perfect cars eventually break down. Perfect houses need repainted. Perfect jobs still stress and frustrate us.
But what are we willing to accept?
That one, we have to answer for ourselves.
[This message edited by CaptainRogers at 7:52 PM, Sunday, October 10th]
BS: 42 on D-day
WW: 43 on D-day
Together since '89; still working on what tomorrow will bring.
D-Day v1.0: Jan '17; EA
D-day v2.0: Mar '18; no, it was physical