Newest Member: AcesEights

Reconciliation :
Conflict Resolution and R

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This0is0Fine ( member #72277) posted at 5:28 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

What if both parties aren't willing to do something about it?

It's like rowing a boat together, all you can do is go in circles if you are rowing by yourself.

So a recent huge argument that massively setback our R was over NC. He had blocked contact with AP some time ago, but in the "Messenger App" linked to Facebook, when you block someone they are not blocked on actual Facebook. So whilst he was not connected with her directly, they had about 200 mutual friends, and thus she was still able to subtly contact him indirectly through use of mutual friends.

For example, she would post love song lyrics or obviously affair nostalgic photos targeted at WH and then tag in a "mutual friend" nonsensically so she could be sure he saw it in his newsfeed. She was doing this for weeks, with photos and all sorts of triggering things for me.

I asked him to block her on Facebook entirely so this could no longer happen and this should have been a simple and straight forward request that he met.

Correct, blocking all social media is a basic part of NC.

However, after a year of stalking and drama that finally just ended, my WH was scared doing this would alert her that he had blocked her and cause her to act out some "revenge" and he maintained that she was generally leaving us alone and it was safest for everyone to leave it alone instead of poking the crazy bear.

He should have blocked her a long time ago. He is protecting the A.

She has made extensive threats to ruin him with personal information / false allegations and so on and I think he is genuinely frightened and has shown massive anxiety over this but he could not see that leaving me in a position to feel permanently triggered was also not an option.

Have you seen these threats? Are they well documented? Remember, your husband is also a proven liar. If you have evidence that she has threatened false allegations you could easily take legal action against her for that alone.

This is part of why exposure after discovers is so important. It makes the WS face the consequences of their actions, while also relieving the potential for blackmail.

So he ignored my request despite it being given 6 or 7 times over a month, until I packed a suitcase and left. 4 hours later, he decided a compromise to resolve it would be for him to delete all social media entirely.

And why wouldn't this trigger all of crazy lady's threats? I don't really understand how this compromise is better than blocking her. FWIW you don't get a "you've been blocked" message when someone blocks you.

I feel okay about that solution in that it solves the problem, but also disappointed that (a) we could not resolve this conflict before it got to suitcases being packed and (b) it now means I can't interact with my own husband on social media because this crazy AP calls the shots still.

Maybe it does, and maybe it doesn't. Considering your H has shown the propensity for having an A, and social media generally feeds ego kibbles "needs", it might actually put him in a more vulnerable position from an external stresses standpoint. I'm not trying to feed the "unmet needs fallacy" or blameshift here. He should be able to be faithful regardless of those environmental stresses and turn to you if he is feeling down or that something is lacking in his life.

I know my own behavior is all I can change, but looking back on this I am not sure what I could have done differently? Conflicts escalating like this really sets me back a long way in my recovery :(

Make your intention to walk on dealbreakers more clear from the outset. If necessary, make a needs list. This is the way unmet needs should be handled. Say, "You blocking and never interacting with OW is a need. It is not negotiable and if you can't meet it, I will walk. If the honest answer is that you are unwilling or unable to meet my needs we shouldn't be dragging things out."

In the future, if you do have a needs list, you can just point to it and say, "That's on the needs list and I'm not negotiating."

Love is not a measure of capacity for pain you are willing to endure for your partner.

posts: 1479   ·   registered: Dec. 11th, 2019
id 8698903
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 sisoon (original poster guide #31240) posted at 5:42 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

My take is that the relationship has to change a lot, and possibly end, if a conflict can't be resolved in a mutually satisfactory way. You couldn't find a resolution you could accept, so you left. I don't see anything wrong with that.

I, too, ask if you're satisfied with your H's resolution. Ideally he would have come to his conclusion before you got so upset that you left. Ideally he would have discussed his decision with you before implementing it.

Those are lessons for resolving the next conflict.

Here's something to note, however: if you don't like this resolution, it's up to you to talk about it with your H. Think about these questions:

What do you wish you had done differently?

What do you wish he had done differently, given that he wouldn't do what you initially wanted him to do?

What, if anything, don't you like about this solution?

If you don't like this solution, what would make it better?

After d-day but before I committed to R, my first question for myself was, 'Is this the deal killer? Do I want to leave because of this issue?'

Committing to R meant, to me, that I'd assume every issue could be resolved to my satisfaction and that I no longer had to ask myself 'do I stay or do I go?' But I've always known that it's possible that we will hit a problem for which we can't agree on a solution, and that will cause us to split - but in my gut I don't believe we will ever come across an issue like that.

[This message edited by sisoon at 5:44 PM, Wednesday, November 17th]

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26262   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8698908
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GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 11:41 PM on Wednesday, November 17th, 2021

Have you seen these threats? Are they well documented? Remember, your husband is also a proven liar. If you have evidence that she has threatened false allegations you could easily take legal action against her for that alone.

Yes, I have seen text messaged where she's sent photos of bruises on her arms, saying she hadn't gone to the police yet, but she might. Things like this happened quite a lot

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 124   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8698972
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GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 1:35 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

These are good questions Sisoon.

What do you wish you had done differently?

If I am honest with myself, I wish I had walked away from the M about 9 months ago when he made avoiding the APs ire more important than implementing NC to whatever degree possible. I think I taught him that putting my needs last was okay. I bought so many excuses, and to be honest, I was scared of her too so it was easy to buy them, but I think he was also keeping the A alive on some level. Stalking is still validation!

What do you wish he had done differently, given that he wouldn't do what you initially wanted him to do?

What I wish he put making me feel safe over covering his own ass.
I wish that anything which brought me pain, was worse in his eyes, than any consequences from AP
I wish he had gone to get therapy for his PTSD so he wasn't paralysed with fear of this mad woman.
I wish he hadn't had a fucking affair in the first place.
I wish he had courage and integrity instead of always doing what was easiest for him at any given moment
I wish he was a better person than he is.


What, if anything, don't you like about this solution?

I don't like that he hasn't made clear he would move heaven and earth to atone for what he did.

If you don't like this solution, what would make it better?

I dunno. Leaving!

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 124   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8698988
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BraveSirRobin ( member #69242) posted at 2:31 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

To clarify, I don't think it's a bad idea for him to get off social media altogether. If I thought he was making an effort to do whatever it took to avoid AP, I would applaud it. However, it sounds like it's really the opposite. He's doing whatever it takes to avoid AP feeling slighted, even though GraceLoves made it clear that blocking AP specifically would have made her feel more safe and validated.

WW/BW 50s (Me)
BH/WH 50s (TimeSpiral)

posts: 2136   ·   registered: Dec. 27th, 2018
id 8698994
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GraceLoves ( member #78769) posted at 3:28 AM on Thursday, November 18th, 2021

Exactly this BSR

I was asking for this not just so there was NO CONTACT but so a message was sent...

1. That I was his WIFE and no one else should have photos with him on his Facebook

2. That he was willing to meet my needs, needs HE CREATED FOR ME

He failed miserably.

I am filing for divorce. I realise he is simply not capable or willing

BW - seperated since Nov 21
DDay 1 - Nov 20, LTA during LDR. DDay 2 - Feb 21, ONS with AP. WH will maintain we were separated
DDay 3 - June 21, discovered WH had exchanged closure emails with AP

posts: 124   ·   registered: May. 9th, 2021   ·   location: London
id 8698996
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 4:37 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

So he ignored my request despite it being given 6 or 7 times over a month, until I packed a suitcase and left. 4 hours later, he decided a compromise to resolve it would be for him to delete all social media entirely.

This is where the conflict continues. The was no 'compromise'.....it was his unilateral decision, which, as BSR already stated, still put the AP over Grace in priority.

It was a method or 'resolving conflict' by continuing to be conflict avoidant.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

posts: 3852   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2010   ·   location: northeast
id 8699339
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humantrampoline ( member #61458) posted at 8:29 PM on Friday, November 19th, 2021

jb3199,

I'm not trying to parse words, but that was actually the point of my question.

If Grace is not satisfied with the resolution of the conflict, she needs to do something else.

GraceLoves,

I know you have said you aren't satisfied with the way things are progressing and you have mentioned divorcing. I feel that a BS needs to decide what they are willing to tolerate and act accordingly. That can change at any time. That's ok.

One thing I personally had a hard time coming to terms with for myself after infidelity is that the marriage was no longer a team effort. In other words, if I wanted to separate or divorce or whatever, it was no longer about asking or discussing with my spouse. I simply needed to do it. It's ok to take care of yourself in this and act on your own best interest.

posts: 409   ·   registered: Nov. 17th, 2017
id 8699367
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