ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 12:18 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021
What a mess. I'll tell you what though, recently we've been debating the merits of trial separation on another thread. And IMHO, you and your MHW (mad-hatter wife)sound like the perfect candidates for it. Not everyone benefits from a therapeutic separation, but when one or both of you can't control your emotional response and are creating more damage on top of what's already there, it's a good indicator that you might benefit from a short separation. Bear in mind that your best bet is to agree on some GROUND RULES if you're still hoping to save the marriage. That's usually going to be largely about refraining from dating others and how you'll manage the kids and the bills, but it should also encompass how you're going to treat each other while you're separated as well. You would also set a regular schedule for MC and/or state-of-the-union meetings in order to see how it's going. You might meet once a week, for example, and give each other space unless its about the kids or the bills for the remaining days. Note that the longer a separation persists, the more likely it is to become permanent. So, I do think it's important to be working the problem instead of each of you just holing up in your corner licking your wounds.
Neither one of you is innocent. I think it's admirable that you wanted an authentic and honest relationship. That's great. And it's awesome that you don't want to live the double-life of a cheater anymore. But that was a whole helluva lot of cheating, and your MHW has only had a month to wrap her mind around it. Rage is unfortunate but common in the early days of JFO (just found out). We can't have abuse though, and we particularly don't want it around the kids, right? If your MHW can't get her emotions under control, it's best for all of you to take a breather. Set your ground rules up as no harm no foul so that you're both comfortable with the space and no one is viewed as abandoning the home or whatever.
My 2 cents... try going at this first from the WS perspective, where you put on your WS hat and show true remorse for what you have done. You can't control her, but you can control YOU. And you can't pull a time machine out of your ass in order to change the past, right? So... SHOW your remorse. Show your changes. Show what's different about YOU and stop worrying about what she's doing. If she's overwhelmed in BS feelings right now, she's not able to change hats like you are. It's only been a month for her. There's time later for her to put her WS hat on and she's more likely to do that if she's seen you go first. Bottom line, you have BOTH made victims of each other, but you can't both wear the WS hat at the same time. Something has to give, and when you're in a stalemate, you can't control the other guy but you CAN control YOU. There is no guarantee that if you take first turn wearing the WS hat that she'll take her turn later. But shit can't keep going on like it is though, can it?
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:05 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021
I'd like to say that I'm surprised by some of the responses here but I'm not. Really? Screaming obscenities and aggressively confronting GG while holding an infant is totally normal BS rage stuff? Getting violent by slamming stuff on his hands?
I was very clear that the physical violence was unacceptable. I forgot she was holding the baby once, so let me be clear that THAT is unacceptable as well.
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 1:09 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021
To add to what DF said, I've had 3 children. All under the care of an OB/GYN, and I was never tested for stds. I was asked if I wanted them done. Because I believed myself to be in a monogamous marriage(I was at that time), I always declined the tests, as I felt they were unnecessary.
prissy4lyfe ( member #46938) posted at 2:53 AM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021
My last pregnancy...ended in a miscarriage. The following year I went for my annual exam...I had Trich. I had it for A YEAR. I didn't ask for an STD.
I was mortified, embarrassed and angry. Not only did he give me a disease...my child for it's brief life had a STD from it's FATHER.
In this situation...with his multiple affair partners and hers exposure should be a mutual decision by both parties.
13YearsR ( member #58259) posted at 3:14 PM on Thursday, October 7th, 2021
Chamomile offers some excellent advice.
I had my last child 26 years ago. I guess things have changed, though Google still says that STD testing is routine in the first trimester. (And we all know that if it's on the internet, it has to be true. lol) Seems like a very bad idea to forgo testing since some can cause premature labor, stillbirth, etc.
I'm sorry that happened, Prissy.
The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off. ~ Gloria Steinem
The grass is greener on the other side of the fence because you're not over there messing it up.
DDay 2004. Successful R. 33 years married
HellFire ( member #59305) posted at 2:43 PM on Friday, October 8th, 2021
Seems like a very bad idea to forgo testing since some can cause premature labor, stillbirth, etc.
It is routinely asked if you want to be tested,on the first visit to the OB. The patient has the option to say no.
I always said no. I was much younger. And naive. NOW of course I would say yes. Now I know better.