Newest Member: Armyman9196

Divorce/Separation :
Sadness

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 FallenStars (original poster new member #69840) posted at 9:41 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

Hi, I posted here when I found out my STBHX had been cheating on me with his coworker back in December of 2018. I found out over a "Secret Chat" message on Facebook while he was too drunk to remember to delete it. Fast forward to now: I had been trying to divorce him for almost two years, having sent him numerous copies of the drafted divorce paperwork to review and sign. He refused to sign, always needing some other small change prior to being ready to sign. He lured me back in over the past six months (all the while still living with his OW) and had me convinced that he was going to "leave her, fix things between us and come back home to make things right". I truly believed him, so much in fact that I let our kids (10 and 7) know his intentions. Well, needless to say that never happened. He has now proposed to the OW and has been having his attorney harass my attorney, stating that he "really wants to get this settled". . . .

All that's left for me is sadness and pain. I let him in only to hurt me again and now I hate myself even more than I did before. How can someone be this cruel? How can someone that claimed to love me rip my heart from my chest and stomp on it AGAIN? And worst of all I hurt my children in the process, letting them believe that this nightmare was finally coming to a close. (They hate the OW and hate being at their house - in their words filled with drama, yelling and screaming and drinking.)

I guess my question is how do I get over this? How do I let this sadness and fear and betrayal go, knowing I will have to have this man in my life in some regard for the rest of my life?

My kids are in therapy, I currently cannot afford therapy for myself as I am going to lose my insurance coverage when the divorce is final. I am in the process of obtaining insurance on my own and will have to explore my options there once that is complete.

I'm sorry if this comes off as rambling. My family is tired of listening to my troubles and I have no friends, having given them all up years ago to make him happy. Thank you for reading, it's nice to know I can vent here to people that know how I feel.

Me: BS - 40
H: WH - 42
2 children
Together for 18 years, married for 9. Thrown away for some side-piece homewrecker.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2019
id 8689611
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Charity411 ( member #41033) posted at 11:27 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021

I'm so sorry you are going through this FallenStars. I can completely relate to your story. My Ex did the same to me. It was crushing. After he sucked me back in and then threw me away again, he admitted it was because he wanted to buy time to get a better deal in the divorce settlement.

In some ways, in hindsight he did me a favor. After that I started caring about what I wanted in the divorce, not what wouldn't burn any bridges with him. He'd already take a flame thrower to everything, so I got tough. I refused to cave in on anything. l exposed all his financial lies and manipulation. They dynamic of the divorce completely changed. And once I got over the pain, I got angry, and it helped me move on.

My daughter was 6 when he did this. l too couldn't believe he did this to her. You didn't hurt your kids by believing their dad. He hurt them by lying to you. Be angry for them. And you need to be their advocate. If they don't want to go to his house, talk to your attorney about specifying that his visitation has to be elsewhere. I did that for the first year. That's not coming between your kids and him. It's being their voice in a horrible and uncertain situation for them, and facilitating his visitation in a way that is secure for your kids. He won't like it, but too bad.

Hang in there. You will survive this and thrive, even if it doesn't feel like that right now. (((((hugs)))))

posts: 1538   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2013   ·   location: Illinois
id 8689638
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BearlyBreathing ( member #55075) posted at 2:51 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021

I am so sorry you are in this situation. It really stinks. You will get through it by being your own advocate and an advocate for your kids. And by taking it one day at a time.

Since IC is out of the question right now, reading, journaling, just expressing your emotions will be helpful.

And I got sucked back in as well with my now X, it happens to so many of us. We really want to believe. The positive thing is that now you know there’s no going back and you can put your eyes forward and just go that direction only. You will be OK . Hang in there.

Me: BS 54 (49 on d-day)Him: WH. 64D-Day 8/15/2016 LTA
Kinda liking my new life :-)

**horrible typist, lots of edits to correct. :-/ **

posts: 4240   ·   registered: Sep. 10th, 2016   ·   location: Northern CA
id 8689701
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 FallenStars (original poster new member #69840) posted at 3:02 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021

Thank you for your kind words. I've been very upset all week, unable to get all of this off my mind.

I'm sorry so many of you have been through a similar situation. I will never understand how people can be this cruel.

Me: BS - 40
H: WH - 42
2 children
Together for 18 years, married for 9. Thrown away for some side-piece homewrecker.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2019
id 8689854
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99problems ( member #59373) posted at 4:43 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

I'm sorry so many of you have been through a similar situation. I will never understand how people can be this cruel.

It's a hard thing to wrap your mind around and one of the most bitter aspects of all of this. But acceptance can come. It does take time.

Best wishes.

Got me a new forum name!<BR />Formerly Idiotmcstupid.<BR />I am divorced, so not as much of an idiot now- 4/15/21,

posts: 1004   ·   registered: Jun. 26th, 2017   ·   location: Colorado
id 8690588
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 11:57 AM on Tuesday, September 28th, 2021

There are books and podcasts that can help you in lieu of counseling.

And you have tons of friends here at SI who know exactly what you are going through. And can support you.

You need to protect your kids at all costs. Be honest. Tell them their dad has some issues and makes some questionable choices. However you will always be honest and truthful with them. And you will heal and do the best for them. Forever.

Now it’s time for you to make some new friends. And re-start your life. You no longer live for him — you live for you & kids.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10736   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8690609
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 FallenStars (original poster new member #69840) posted at 6:45 PM on Thursday, September 30th, 2021

Now it’s time for you to make some new friends. And re-start your life. You no longer live for him — you live for you & kids.

This really spoke to me. I haven't lived for myself in so long I'm not even sure where to start but it sounds very nice.

Thank you all again. I'm sorry this forum has to exist, but am very glad that it does.

Me: BS - 40
H: WH - 42
2 children
Together for 18 years, married for 9. Thrown away for some side-piece homewrecker.

posts: 19   ·   registered: Feb. 21st, 2019
id 8691072
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