Lostgirl410 (original poster member #71112) posted at 5:12 AM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021
So, in the last 3 years of recovery/reconciliation...I have been the primary partner when it comes to initiating sex. Mostly, it has worked well for us. I say mostly because recently I have been a bit too self conscious to be the one initiating. I have an autoimmune bowel disorder that can prove itself quite embarrassing at times.
I still initiate, but recently with some hesitation. It can be difficult to ask for something when you know on a medical level that your body might respond in a somewhat embarrassing way. My H has sensed some of the hesitation, knows about the medical issue, and still sometimes finds himself feeling rejected even though he fully understands the medical reasoning behind my hesitation.
Secondary to food, stress is the next highest rated contributing factor. How do I calm both my mind, and his nerves during these times? We talk often, I know he understands on a logical level, but I worry about the effects on his self-esteem after the trauma I put him through.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
WalkinOnEggshelz ( Moderator #29447) posted at 2:57 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021
There are a lot of ways that you can show him you find him desirable or share intimacy.
Touch him. Give him back rubs, foot massages, run your fingers through his hair.
You can also always engage in sexual acts just for him.
You can enjoy the fact that you are giving to him and he can feel desired by you. Doing this will help fill in the gaps between when the opportunity is just right for you and maybe even help ease some pressure and stress.
Me: WS late 40’s
Him: BH (HoldingTogether)
D Day: 7/24/2010
If you keep asking people to give you the benefit of the doubt, they will eventually start to doubt your benefit.
survrus ( member #67698) posted at 3:56 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021
As a baseline question did you do everything he needed to recover?
Did you consider an enema beforehand.
You are in a tricky place since men feel sexual rejection acutely, particularly when their WWs were enthusiastic with the affair partner.
Lostgirl410 (original poster member #71112) posted at 5:06 PM on Tuesday, September 21st, 2021
Woes, thank you. We did talk again last night, and he assures me I do all those things. He says he's fully satisfied with our sex life. Mostly communicated that what I sensed as his feeling rejected was that he's worried about me, and whether I'm okay. This flare up has been a bad one. He also says I need to get out of my own head, and that I'm overthinking this one. Maybe I worry too much.
Yes, and we are in a good place with R. I tend to worry about this kind of stuff way more than he does. He actually laughed about it and told me I'm cute when I worry.
The enema thing is a hard no. That would be the equivalent of throwing gas on a fire, and wondering why it burned stronger. When I told him about your suggestion his response was: "For the love of all things holy, and the sake of our water bill, please don't ever do that."
sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:20 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021
Mostly communicated that what I sensed as his feeling rejected was that he's worried about me, and whether I'm okay.
My W often thought I was angry at her when anger was simply not an issue. The solution is that she checks out what I'm feeling.
I believe that after an A neither partner is good at reading the other's non-verbals. The remedy is to ask explicitly, 'What are you feeling?' or 'Are you feeling ____?' I think the explicit asking enables each partner to relearn what the non-verbals mean.
Bottom line: I recommend as strongly as possible that you check out your assumptions by asking your BS if you're reading him right, if you're not doing it already. In fact, I think the same reco works for BSes, as well as WSes.
In this case, I'm glad you misread your H.
fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.