Newest Member: Imthecheater

Wayward Side :
What can i do to move forward with this rocky relationship?

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 Manofthehour (original poster new member #79254) posted at 6:46 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

So i cheated and maybe she has as well, here is the story

Im 33m she is 39f married 10 years 2 children

Starting off me and my wife have a surviving relationship, if u ask her we are in love, if u ask me i dont trust her, its funny because i cheated too. I do love her and i like to think she loves me although she doesnt do anything for me, not cook nor ANYTHING, maybe she puts my clothes in the washer and drier.... She is beautiful, she seems very genuine and kind and sweet and all theses good things but ive always had trust issues with her.

So before we got married, we lived in separate countries and would visit each other and spend months at a time, we both had strong feelings for eachother, she felt like a relief after getting out my last relationship, this is her story: one night she and her ex got in contact, prob she called him and this ex is some1 she would see after a relationship and he would force himself on her to have sex which she would give in because she is used to it, so she goes to his place in the night, i guess he was getting ready for work and so he invites her in, somehow she ends up on his bed n then it turns into him pulling her pants off and taking advantage of her. She would call this rape and every time i try to tell her she played a part in this, she should have never been there, she gets defensive saying how can i blame her.... anyway we sorta got over it, for me ive had other women at the time but funny enough nothing sexual much, meaning i was really focusing on being with her and dropping the other women.

So i did have another love interest as i would call it now that also lives in another country that i had met before my wife, that girl ill refer to as j, j loved me and always told me she does and wants to have my babies and would love for us to be together, every convo she would reinstate this and i would entertain the convo, at the time i wasnt serious abt having children but id tell j i will with her, to me the convo seemed superficial and entertaining- i didnt think it would go anywhere even though i did kina like this person. So i got married to my wife and had a baby, me and j would talk on and off, i was not happy after that situation with my wife and her ex so talking to j was like revenge and made me feel wanted.

Wife caught me first time on facebook, before marriage actually and then again maybe 2 years into the marriage, i never saw j through all the talking and flirtation, never met up or travelled to each-other. It was still wrong but ive got my reasons and non was to hurt my wife, ultimately i chose to be with her and get her pregnant.

So 7 yrs married and suddenly she has an emotional affair, at this point my wife literally switched off and started to see a guy down the street but she was paying him for services, ive even made a payment thru his gf, what she calls an ea lasted maybe a week only seeing the guy 4-5 times total, i trusted my wife up until that point. She says it wasnt physical but i dunno, not even kissing, they just did a bunch of talking and the only time they touch was a goodbye hug according to her but at that time she was not answering my calls and then i notice the phone records and they had a convo after that when she got home, to say goodbye again? Anyways she actually confessed to me and cried at the end of the week, she held me and said she really loves me and sorry she led that on but it still wasn’t physical. She told me when she became attracted but said they keep it professional and only looks were there not even an expression of how they felt. I through all of that felt the lowest and worse ive felt in life.

I cheated again with a new person and felt guilty asf, i remember telling myself never to do that again, all i really want is to feel loved and wanted. I only cheated that time because i thought she got physical, when she told me she didnt have an pa i felt horrible, i have no feelings for the person i cheated with, its more of a 2 night stand.

It wasnt hard to cut off j for her either which i did and when i told j she understood, honeslty if my wife and i dont make it i would prob talk to j.

So here we are at a point where im ready and willing to give 100% to my wife but i think over time she has became more complacent in the relationship, she really does not do anything for me, not even romantic, i think she is just ok with us taking care of the kids and having sex for now but i want more, i want a life partner, we are very close but i feel like she may do more things like this. She doesnt know of my 2ns situation and i will not tell her.

Also i had a drop in sex drive towards her and she seemed to have a lil uptick in sex drive, if she doesn’t initiate we dnt have sex only because im sorta scared of the rejection, it may make me upset so i dnt bother. I have been finding other women attractive, i still think she is beautiful and i am attracted to her but i dnt like this as it could lead to another affair and im really ready for monogamy

TBH im drained and dunno what im holding onto, emotional rollercoaster may describe how i feel, the lows are just when i sdont feel the attention or i feel she is just going day by day not putting any thought or effort into us.

[This message edited by Manofthehour at 6:47 AM, Thursday, September 16th]

posts: 7   ·   registered: Aug. 9th, 2021   ·   location: Georgia
id 8688718
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SI Staff ( Moderator #10) posted at 10:47 AM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

  Moving to Wayward Side

posts: 10000   ·   registered: May. 30th, 2002
id 8688725
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Catwoman ( member #1330) posted at 12:58 PM on Thursday, September 16th, 2021

Your entire post is about what your wife is contributing to the marriage--what are YOU contributing to the marriage?

Things grow when they are tended and cared for. Certainly she may not be tending and caring for the marriage (all we have is your word for it), but by your own description, you aren't either. And neither of you appear to be honest with each other. Committing to total honesty and transparency is vital for a healthy relationship.

I would recommend IC for both of you. You say you have trust issues . . . I suspect that these are not due to the relationship, per se, but more your own issues. Taking these issues into another relationship will result in much the same outcome if you don't take steps to heal yourself. Same for her, but you're the one that's posted, so I'm addressing my comments to you.

Addressing your feelings in IC might bring you some clarity on how you want to move forward.

Cat

FBS: Married 20 years, 2 daughters 27 and 24. Divorced by the grace of GOD.
D-Days: 2/23/93; 10/11/97; 3/5/03
Ex & OW Broke up 12-10
"An erection does not count as personal growth."

posts: 32945   ·   registered: Apr. 5th, 2003   ·   location: Massachusetts
id 8688734
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