Anna123 (original poster member #70908) posted at 5:14 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
My divorce from cheater was final a little over 4 years ago. He has never missed an alimony or support payment but has expressed his belief it is unfair a few times by text, to which I never responded. I am the poster child for no contact except brief texts concerting logistics with our son. I have NEVER stood up for myself with him when he texted these things and let them go unanswered. So far it has worked out well for me.
A number of months ago he informed me he will no longer be splitting doctor or extracurricular expenses since he 'gives me' so much money and I 'got' his life insurance policy etc. At that time he wanted me to pay a big fee for some extracurricular education for our son, which I agreed was a good idea. I said I would do it this one time but reminded him about the divorce decree. Since then I am keeping track of these things for down the road if I decide to go after it.
He married a very wealthy woman and is living a lavish life while I am hanging with the blue collar world, same car as before divorce, tiny condo in not as nice an area etc. I do believe him though that his own personal savings are almost nothing, the lavishness is her money. I have built up a decent savings thanks to a few opportunities that I am grateful I was not married to him when they became available and will not be struggling to pay.
Last night, I got a text from him telling me he expects me to pay for another educational opportunity for son, because he has given me $-------- dollars and bla bla bla and never has been late etc. I responded that I am tight on funds but will budget for it going forward if we can split it. I then asked what that money would cover. This morning he responded asking how I could have possibly not saved enough from his child support 'for our sons future'. Not very nice huh? He listed EVERY SINGLE LITTLE PENNY I was 'given' or that I 'took'! I can't believe he carries this all in his head. (before divorce, 1/2 of savings, 1/2 of money from a safe, all legal). So after all my good hearted feelings of him that I still have to this day, all I am to him is someone who took advantage of him financially. Sad to deal with in it's own right but I have more pressing concerns--
To the point, this is an opportunity for my son that I 100% agree with and would pay on my own. The amount of money is significant but actually a lot cheaper than what I could have lined up on my own, so in a way I am 'paying half' due to my exes' connections.
The question is, how do I respond to ex cheater? I have had to slap my own hand multiple times reaching for my phone in wanting to defend myself along the lines of "Talk about unfair, unfair is bamboozling your wife and partner out of 27 years of her life, it was "ours" not "yours", I had no freedom to ever come and go ONE TIME through all of the years as primary caregiver for our son since the day he was born, and how he appears to be living a very fine life in comparison to me etc. The thing is, I haven't responded to this stuff before and things are working out pretty well based on that. I don't want to rock the boat and in a way, degrade myself by responding. Yet holding it in gets to me sometimes. I am okay just paying for my son's experience as long as ex keeps paying his alimony etc. I still need those payments to make it financially at this point.
I am thinking of telling him I will put it on a credit card and pay for it, but remind him that according to the divorce decree we are supposed to split these things. That way I am not completely agreeing, just going along, and if I am in the mood when my alimony ends in a few years I can decide whether to go after it, which I probably would not. Or, I can not say anything and just ask for the information on signing him up and do it. I am interested in your thoughts on this.
ArkLaMiss ( member #14918) posted at 5:31 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
He is court ordered to pay his share. Make him pay! Next, he will try to stop paying alimony! Do NOT let him get away from supporting his son. He has a financial obligation to support him and is telling you that he wants to cheat his son out of what your son deserves! He is in contempt of a court order! Save allll this and file contempt charges AND instruct your attorney to go after attorney fees, too.
Just HOW stupid do you think I am, exactly?
jadedangel ( member #26979) posted at 6:07 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
If you start letting him slide now then you will be letting him slide later.
When he starts this bull, reply and refer back to the divorce decree. That's all. If he has an issue with it, then he needs to take it back to court.
EXWH died 2011
StillCoping74 ( member #32677) posted at 7:15 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
If it were me (I've had to deal with similar situations), I'd take a picture of your decree that explains his obligation. I'd send it along with a text saying something like "I will sign son up for this opportunity. If you don't get your half to me by X, I will consider that noncompliance with the decree and file for contempt, asking for court costs as well."
The bottom line is that the courts don't care if he doesn't think it's fair, and (sadly) they don't care that you're "hanging with the blue collar world." What they do care about--and should enforce--is what the decree has ordered.
Don't let your ex pull this crap.
[This message edited by StillCoping74 at 7:16 PM, Thursday, September 9th]
Rarely post but frequently lurk. Divorced, healed, and happy.
HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 11:03 PM on Thursday, September 9th, 2021
No NO NO, you are handling this all wrong.
Don't look at it as standing up for yourself. Look at it as
1. The law and what the decree says.
2. its in the best interest of your son (the law will agree here too)
3. He doesn't get to decide and no one gives a shit what he expects, remember the Law.
I would continue to ignore him when he text stupid shit about what is fair and what isn't. YOu are not required to respond to those text.
If think this is in your son's best interest, cut the check for half and let him know that he owes the difference. No arguments, just send him a copy of the decree
Anna123 (original poster member #70908) posted at 2:03 AM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
Thanks for the replies! I think him texting the part about it not being fair to him really got to me I guess! I have a long list of "unfair" things he has no concept on one side and on the other side, there is a part of me that feels bad about him supposedly having a rough time! What the heck?!
So, I did my usual cool down all day, checking back on advice, also thinking I would loose interest in explaining what unfair is. Instead, I am feeling even more compelled to clarify what "unfair" actually is from my perspective since I never have done that. I will heed your advice though but I am feeling really wimpy right now as far as sending a copy of that part of the decree. I wish there was a 'nice' way to respond still and even offer to pay without 'giving in' but I know, bad idea.
Sally24 ( new member #70794) posted at 1:42 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
I wish there was a 'nice' way to respond still
Reframe this: think of it as you being nice *to you* in not responding.
Never let your fear decide your fate
grubs ( member #77165) posted at 2:46 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
I have a long list of "unfair" things he has no concept on one side and on the other side, there is a part of me that feels bad about him supposedly having a rough time!
I wouldn't suggest getting into a debate on unfairness. What is the reward and that hole thing about pigs and mud and all. You have nothing to prove. He broke the M. I would speak with your attorney about the portions he hasn't been paying and how to go about recovering that money. You have a signed agreement. He hasn't been meeting his responsibilities under it. Don't continue to allow him to do so. Now that he's living with his sugar momma, he should have more money not less.
justabrokendream ( member #3075) posted at 4:28 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
Don't try to talk to the asshole about "fairness" - you'll be going down the proverbial rabbithole. You have the divorce decree. Go to your lawyer and have him/her deal with it. I agree with the others - if you let it slide, there will be a next time.
rugswept ( member #48084) posted at 7:06 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
What the others said: view this as a business deal where there's an agreement in place.
No matter what you're not putting him out, unable to support himself.
Why is he crunching money, now, after married "to her".
He's got to be beta guy married to money bags and the only independence he can ever get is through his own funds. And, she's hard to keep up with, so he needs more funds. Fine, you already have him by the ****, the only thing you have to do is to bring yourself to do is squeeze. Just think about the 27 years you had invested in this cheater.
If he pushes way back, let him know that payback is a bitch, and your name is payback. I'm sure he'll get it.
[This message edited by rugswept at 7:07 PM, Friday, September 10th]
R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.
DevastatedDee ( member #59873) posted at 8:42 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
This is a dude who cheated on his wife, caused her immense trauma, destroyed his marriage, and is now bitching about the consequences. You could write a soliloquey that would bring a decent human to tears about "fairness", but it wouldn't work on him. If he had it in him to comprehend such a thing, you wouldn't be in this situation in the first place.
MH - RA on DDay.
Divorced a serial cheater (prostitutes and lord only knows who and what else).
The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 10:20 PM on Friday, September 10th, 2021
Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.
Anna123 (original poster member #70908) posted at 2:07 PM on Saturday, September 11th, 2021
Thanks all! I have been so stressed over this.
Fine, you already have him by the ****, the only thing you have to do is to bring yourself to do is squeeze. Just think about the 27 years you had invested in this cheater.
Thanks for that:-) I actually have a real smile on face for first time in a couple of days! And it makes a good point. I feel like little miss tough sometimes successfully adjusting my life, and then this comes out of nowhere just brings me to my knees. Before this, I had been questioning if I was loosing the good side of my 'tenderness' as I go on alone in singlehood, but the way that part of me still feels 'bad' that he may be having a tough time paying changes that perspective. It's difficult at times to balance standing up for myself with feeling empathy and letting things go.
IceThee ( member #53715) posted at 7:10 AM on Monday, September 20th, 2021
What DevestatedDee said #clapping
"It's ok to not be ok"
Me: BS Him: xH (still cheating I'm sure)
Dday 1: November 2012 (didn’t realize it was a Dday until April 2018)
Dday 2: April 2016 Dday 3: July 2017
D final July 2018
"He who is without sin, cast
EvenKeel ( member #24210) posted at 2:14 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021
I think him texting the part about it not being fair to him really got to me I guess!
Go back to your original rule (there is a reason for it):
but has expressed his belief it is unfair a few times by text, to which I never responded.
I caution you to stop deviating from your decree. If he doesn't like the terms now, then HE can take you back to court. (WHICH my ex did and ended up paying MORE!).
You keep splitting the bills per your decree.
Every time you get a text about how "unfair" this it to him....just remember how unfair the explosion of your assumed future was to you and your child. Stop agreeing to pay more - you are literally shortchanging your child by doing so.
I know it is hard. I thought those years were going to be the death of me, but I promise you...they WILL pass and you won't have to be dealing with him anymore.
Hang in there.
emergent8 ( member #58189) posted at 4:31 PM on Wednesday, September 22nd, 2021
Insist upon following the divorce decree. Deviating can have legal consequences. Do not shortchange yourself or your son.
Me: BS, Him: WS. Mid-late 30s.
Together 15 years, married 5 (11 m at D-Day).
D-Day: Feb 2017 (8 m PA with married COW).
Currently 4 years (and two kids) into R and optimistic.
Anna123 (original poster member #70908) posted at 8:18 PM on Thursday, September 23rd, 2021
Thanks everyone, I appreciate it. I wanted to ask my lawyer this but he will charge me so maybe someone here knows? After son graduates from HS his child support portion ends, but alimony continues at a reduced amount. There is no mention of splitting expenses ending at any point but it does the split is for the 'minor child'. I am assuming he will no longer be legally bound after son graduates since college was not mentioned. Does that make sense?
HalfTime2017 ( member #64366) posted at 10:57 PM on Friday, September 24th, 2021
In most states, kids are emancipated at the age of 18, so CS and child split cost are not required by the state.
If you have something in your decree about splitting the cost of College or otherwise, than that would be the case, if you did not put that in at the time of divorce than the answer is probably not. And the reason I say probably and not for certain is, almost anything is possible if you are willing to make a case of it in court, but its still very unlikely.
Anna123 (original poster member #70908) posted at 1:11 AM on Saturday, September 25th, 2021