Newest Member: Qashess

New Beginnings :
5 years and stronger

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 MountainMama (original poster new member #79240) posted at 5:29 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

I just found this forum while looking to see if PTSD can be caused by infidelity, apparently so. 5 years ago I found out that my fairy tale life was a farce. I live in a foreign country in a tiny town (pop. 130) and 30 years ago fell in love with my ex. He is a farmer and we built a life together, had two children, built a house and a business together. I caught him cheating and, little by little, found that he had cheated on me throughout the 26 years we were together, 1-4 times a year except for an interval of 10 years when I had the boys. Most of my friends knew something, nobody said anything. I was in complete shock for at least 3 months, tried therapy with him and tried to work it out for two and a half years until I said, ¨No more, I am wasting time and possible happiness."

Five years after finding out, I feel I will be forever traumatized by the event. I should have gone to therapy on my own, I didn't. I live in the same small valley, have been in a steady, healthy relationship with another man for a year, am starting my own business and building a home at age 52.

My ex and I are still family, I respect him as a father and never forget all of the good that we shared. No way I am about to throw away 26 years of my life, and believe me, there was a LOT of good. We have an amicable relationship, although I think it is a bit difficult to be with me at times, he knows his loss. I never thought about moving back to the U.S., my entire adult life has been spent here, and I love the quality of life. I am a bit worried about memory loss as I spent at least 3 years thinking of nothing else but the infidelities, some with "friends", my child´s teacher, a distant cousin, and even tried with a beautiful friend battling cancer, who had come to visit me.

Believe it or not, I am extremely happy! I feel beautiful, thankful, and strong. I took the high road with him, the father of my children, who I was very in love with, and as for the women I know that he was with, they just don't exist when I see them. They are non-existent in my life. I had the occasional rage with the ones I knew, but no more. My time and happiness too important, the respect for my children, is too high.

There are two things I'm very worried about, my memory and fully trusting my new partner. He is communicative, respectful, and very loving, but I have to wonder if one fully trusts after these experiences. Any input?

[This message edited by MountainMama at 10:05 PM, Tuesday, August 17th]

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021   ·   location: Pyrenees
id 8681514
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AllIam ( new member #79188) posted at 7:11 PM on Thursday, August 5th, 2021

I have no input to your situation, but just wanted to say that I envy your strength. I wish I could be as strong and positive as you sound.

I'm ready to be flushed down the gutter. Right now I'm just circling the toilet bowl.

Best wishes for your future. I enjoy hearing from strong women like you.

posts: 25   ·   registered: Jul. 28th, 2021
id 8681546
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 MountainMama (original poster new member #79240) posted at 7:31 AM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

ALLIam

You've got this! This feeling you have, you just have to work through it and think of yourself for a bit, and that's probably a big change. We are all with you and most of us felt the same way. Visualize what you want in life, and my advice, always take the high road, it makes life bearable. I will admit, fantasy revenge had been a type of therapy for me. Ha! We are so much more than our relationship with the other. We just have to find ourselves, most of us got lost in the other. Sending you strength and always take care of yourself.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021   ·   location: Pyrenees
id 8681738
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 MountainMama (original poster new member #79240) posted at 7:31 AM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

ALLIam

You've got this! This feeling you have, you just have to work through it and think of yourself for a bit, and that's probably a big change. We are all with you and most of us felt the same way. Visualize what you want in life, and my advice, always take the high road, it makes life bearable. I will admit, fantasy revenge had been a type of therapy for me. Ha! We are so much more than our relationship with the other. We just have to find ourselves, most of us got lost in the other. Sending you strength and always take care of yourself.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021   ·   location: Pyrenees
id 8681739
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 6:47 PM on Friday, August 6th, 2021

MountainMama - first of all you are a badass.

Get therapy now! Why on earth not? If you are in a tiny place that doesn't have a lot of resources, do online therapy! I just started the EMDR process. My therapist said I am showing PTSD symptoms. Find an EMDR therapist and see if they think it would be good for you.

I really admire you! I am glad you are doing well. I would SO do therapy if I were you! You deserve to heal fully!

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 812   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8681973
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 MountainMama (original poster new member #79240) posted at 10:26 PM on Tuesday, August 17th, 2021

Thank you Stubbornft! I love being told I'm a badass! grin I've been looking into EMDR since reading your reply. It definitely sounds like something I'd be interested in. I was advised that I make sure that the person be specialized, level four or five, as it could actually harm you if not done correctly, so I'm taking my time. I would love to take some of the "emotional" away from the situation. I'm a bit tired of feeling like the victim when I'm down and can't wait to keep on moving forward.

posts: 4   ·   registered: Aug. 5th, 2021   ·   location: Pyrenees
id 8684046
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stubbornft ( member #49614) posted at 5:04 PM on Wednesday, August 18th, 2021

MountainMama that is great! I actually will start the physical part of EMDR on Monday. My therapist wanted to make sure I was in a place to be able to handle it, and she did say that it can be overwhelming so I would tell her if I need to set something aside and delve into it another time. She did say it can be done online via Zoom, so if you don't find someone in your area that does it, you may be able to find some to help you online.

Me: BS 40
Him: WS 51
He cheated with massage parlor sex workers
Dday 01/19/2021

posts: 812   ·   registered: Sep. 14th, 2015   ·   location: TX
id 8684175
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CoderMom ( member #66033) posted at 2:22 AM on Wednesday, September 1st, 2021

Very difficult place for anyone to have to walk through. I have been divorced twice and cheated on by both, absolutely horribly betrayed.. I think the betrayal is what I have a hard time getting past. I do have PTSD from the second situation as that had extenuating circumstances that have just flipped my life upside down like there was no tomorrow. Still working through all of this through in counseling... Still have not had any successful relationships with any man except one friendship which started out dating and he has backed up into friendship. I feel like I will never be able to fully trust another man, ever, but I so very much want to find love again...

Have you now tried individual counseling? That might be a place to start, possibly?

posts: 223   ·   registered: Aug. 31st, 2018
id 8686553
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