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My stbx wants to be friends.

She wants to chat.

When she drops off the boy, she walks right into what is now MY apartment.

I made a bit of mistake the other day, which requires a short explanation. On Thursday nights in June and July, the local pools stay open an extra two hours, families attend, bring food and snacks and, of course, plenty of beerz. This past Thursday would have been the last such evening of the summer and the chances were good we'd see lots of friends and neighbors. Unfortunately, the MCA failed to tell everyone that they'd changed the last night to Wednesday and the last Thursday was reserved for a staff party.

Now, our agreement thus far is that I have him Sunday through Wednesday nights and he spends Thursday through Saturday nights at her place. The kid had been looking forward to this all week and I'd agreed to go with him and bring snacks, pizza, and cookies, the raft, the beach ball, the little balls, and all that jazz. (no beerz, for me). And since he'd be out late, he wanted to spend the night with me.

She was fine with this arrangement. After we got home from the pool (still dry, no pizza, all the snacks still tucked neatly away in the bag), the kid was soooo disapointed and feeee-urisis with the MCA, he went straight into his room, plopped own on the lower bunk, and pouted for a very, very long time.

Not wanting any hint of deception, I called her to let her know what was going on. (yeah, I'm learning). We didn't talk long because my son called her. Whew! Short conversation.

"The fucking MCA switched the nights and didn't tell anyone," was all he said to her before he hung up because he was soooo disappointed by the sheer insanity of it all. (He's learning).

She then calls me back and tells me what he said and laughs and wants to chat and...

I have to learn some new boundaries.

I sort of like not having her in my life. It's the most fucked-up trade-off I've ever made. I don't see my kid most weekends (I'm in the catering biz and folks are making up for last year. Party on Garth. Party on Wayne). I liked seeing me kid every day (okay, the occasional break was nice). I miss him.

I just want to purge her completely out of my life and find peace and harmony with the MCA. I'm really good at ghosting people. Except, of course, I can't, which is really... (rant, curse, flail about on the keyboard in a very unhinged manner).

Any tips on being polite while drawing a few new boundaries?

[This message edited by Unhinged at 2:28 AM, August 1st (Sunday)]

Do you think grey rock would help minimize your interactions with her?

Do you think grey rock would help minimize your interactions with her?

Hey Unhinged. This stuff is really hard. Extra large size hard when you share a little.

It took me decades to learn, but I'm pretty practiced now at keeping good boundaries. But the biggest part is always figuring out what I want/need them to be. Where do I draw the line (figurative and literal). What is my comfort zone? What brings me the distance and safety?

Any tips on being polite while drawing a few new boundaries?

So I think your first task is to think really hard about where you're comfortable residing between the polar opposites of purge vs. everything is like it used to be and we're besties.

You'll have to talk about the kid obviously, but "chatting" and her walking right into the apartment and wanting to giggle? Is it that kind of stuff that's making you twitchy? (It would me). Are you feeling like she doesn't acknowledge you're "over here" and she's "over there" now?

Yeah, you aren't buddies. Can you meet your boy outside the apartment at drop off time? Then say a quick thanks and wave bye to stbx, about face, and go inside? Without her? You don't need to say anything. The body language of that speaks for itself.

Over the phone, when she gets chatty, respond briefly to her first comment and then cordially end the conversation "Well have a goodnight." Yeah but..."gotta run, bye".

If she shows up at your apartment door with your boy, "Thanks (smile?) can't chat, take care." Door closes. The separation thing is weird at first. There were some muddy waters for me as well, where stbx would walk through the door and sit on the couch like he still lived there. I did not like it at all. Separation is separation. You don't get to sit on my couch and text your new girlfriend and giggle. Sounds like one giant Hall pass. She needs to know you guys are truly apart. You are not her soft place to fall any longer. She doesn't have the security of you. She is out there in the world all on her own, by her own making. Let her sink or swim. It matters not to you.

It'll get easier with time. Get those boundaries up early. You set the tone. (Boundaries are tough, see my other post, lol. But they are necessary.)

[This message edited by WhoTheBleep at 12:40 PM, August 1st (Sunday)]

Is there something you need her for or need from her to get a fair settlement?

I mean is there any reason that we aren't aware of that would benefit you giving her what she wants?

If not the. You need to remember this person is no longer your partner. She is not your friend. She is not on your side. She isn't the person you want to share special moments with. Why? Because she broke your M. She broke your friendship. She broke your family.

She isn't your buddy. So set some damn boundaries. If it is too hard for that yet the. Gray rock.

She calls to chit chat? Be flat give one word responses. Or say sorry I'm busy and hang up. Do it consistently and her nonsense will stop.

She needs attention too much to be alone for long. As soon as someone else spends time with her she will stop trying to press your buttons.

Don’t be polite, be detached and aloof. Wear a rubber band around your wrist and snap when you have the urge to call her until it becomes natural. Don’t answer her calls, send her to VM, then text back & ask if something’s wrong with your son. Unless her response is about something logistical re him, don’t respond. Keep all communication via text & email unless absolutely absolutely necessary, as soon as she starts to navigate the call from anything other than logistics for your son, end the call, ie "I got to get to something, ok, bye." Keep all responses short. Not mean or cold, direct. Don’t inquire into her life or ask how she’s doing, when she offers, look blankly or distracted. If she asks just always respond "everything’s great." Keep most all responses limited to a simple "ok" If she pushes, start to look bored.

She cannot waltz into your home. Either meet somewhere else with the car running, or tell her to text you when she’s on her way & meet them outside with a nod of your head or quick wave. When you go to her home, do the same, text her when you’re arriving & keep the car running.

I’m very good at ghosting & indifference, lmk if you need anymore tips lol. Good luck friend, update.

I think it takes a while to be clear on boundaries. I literally had to tell their dad that he could not just walk in. At one point I had to be blunt and tell him I needed him to stay in the car. It’s better than it was.

Phone calls always bring conversations that are more than we should be having. I try to stick to text. If he calls. I’ll check voicemail or text to ask if he needed something for the kids. It’s a balance for sure. In the beginning, it hurt me. Now, I really feel…nothing during the interaction. It’s like talking to

An acquaintance who bores me. You have to start to detach . You had many years of routines and now, you create new ones for you and your kid.

Hang in there, friend.