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My 15 year old dd is super smart and a senior in high school. She is looking at colleges and the trip we were to take to inlaws we were also supposed to visit a tin of colleges (2 are two hrs away, 2 are in the in laws town, and 1 is 2 hours away, then there is a progression of colleges spotting the interstate for the next 4 hours that we want to see)

So. We obviously arent going to MiL house. As sil 2 who lives a few houses down said if we show up Saturday, she will call the sheriff. Ok. Um… thats a bit dramatic, maybe you want to stop watching Reality tv there, lady.

But. Darnit, my kid deserves to see her colleges. So im driving 6 hrs to the first one, we will visit, then an hour to the second, wenwill visit, etc etc.

Two colleges are in MIL town. Dd has said she wants to see grandma.

I told her I would drop her off for dinner or lunch at a restaurant in if she really wanted, but that one of her aunts might come “just incase Gotta starts trouble “

I only want my kids to have as many people who love and support them as possible. I dont want to fight w these people.

I told her to expect Aunt J to show up, and she doesnt like Aunt J (aunt J is the one who wouldnt give her a blanket when she stayed at the Lakehouse and proceeded to snuggle under her blanket and go to sleep.

DD is a little more hesitant to go knowing that aunt might be there to “protect” mil. (I say she might do this because she did when i asked to speak to mil after court when we were divorcing in 2010… aunt R came and stood next to mil so i wouldnt “be mean”

What say you, SI? Lunch or dinner with MIL (realizing she is not like me and wouldnt just have a nice meal with DD) or just let the dust clear and maybe let DD have lunch with her if/when she attends college up near MIl.

I'd tell her the truth. That they said they'd have you arrested! WHY are you even trying with these people? Seriously. You need to get out of that whole abusive situation.

Do you have a therapist? If not, FIND one. For yourself and also your kids. You are teaching them that it's OK to tolerate abuse. You need to LEAVE your spouse AND his crazy ass family.

Hugs. You sound like you have become conditioned to accept and be OK with whatever abuse he/they dish out. I pray one day you escape your abusers.

[This message edited by ArkLaMiss at 2:40 PM, July 31st (Saturday)]

Yeah, she knows about SIL comment.

This is all i needed to hear. I wanted to make sure i wasnt being a bitch and “keeping the kids from family”

I will tell her if anything, lets just let the dust settle bc grandma is upset.

[This message edited by Gottagetthrough at 3:03 PM, July 31st (Saturday)]

No, you're not being a bitch. You're protecting yourself and your daughter from further abuse.

I think it's very hard for you to see these incidents as abuse because you've become so conditioned by these abusers that you don't realize that it IS abuse. And it most certainly is.

My dd and i talked it over tonight and realize yeah, not a good idea. She will not extend an invitation for a meal with grandma

DD’s dad can take her to see his family, you don’t need to be involved in the process in any way.

I think it's very hard for you to see these incidents as abuse because you've become so conditioned by these abusers that you don't realize that it IS abuse. And it most certainly is.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^ really really read this Gotta.

Why on earth would you need to help the abusive grandmother????

You won’t fully absorb what has been happening to you until you are out of the toxic cycle and that happens when you get away from your horrid husband and his disaster family.

Stop setting your kids up to be rejected by the in-laws.

You need boundaries. And you need away from your husband.

^^^^^Stubbornft is right. You need to really focus on implementing strong boundaries regarding you h and these nasty people. Do you or the kids have therapists? If not, please look into that. They can help you set boundaries, form an exit plan, refer you to resources to escape your situation.

You need to leave. Period.

I have a therapy appt aug 6. Im working with a DV shelter on an exit plan.

I will not be allowing DD to see grandma this week when we are in her town.

Stupid ?…. You guys really think grandma is abusive?

Yes, I think gma is abusive! Who do you think taught your husband and his siblings all those nasty traits! The apple never falls far from the tree!

Is this the grandma that invites only some of the grandkids and leaves yours out?

I am so proud of you for working with the DV shelter. How soon can you get out?

Is this the grandma that invites only some of the grandkids and leaves yours out?

Yes that grandma. But i dont feel like she is leaving them out- i think the aunts dont want me there and leave out my kids. A lot of the times they include my oldest because she is an “old soul” and just no trouble at all.

My younger kids are kids and loud and run around etc, so middle doesnt get invited. (Theyve never met baby who is almost 2)

Mil did miss kid 2’s first communion. I invited her but when she found out she couldnt stay at my house, since my family would be there, she said getting a hotel is too complicated so she wasnt coming. She missed first kid’s because it was ine of her other grand kid’s first communion and she chose to go to that one.

Gotta, your mil knows she's mistreating your kids and you, too. Abuse is abuse. You're making excuses for her. Why?

I'm sorry, but your job is to protect your kids from people like her. Do you want your kids act like her or any of them?

Please protect these vulnerable kids from these toxic people.

Simple answer: No.

Long answer: Absofreakinglutely not.

Exton that your spouse and his family all can be abusive and that you cannot knowingly allow her to be in that broken environment. It may be fine, but it probably won't be. So its your job as mom to protect her. That's what you are doing.

Eww no. If MIL wants a relationship, she can do the legwork to foster it. Don’t waste any of your energy.

Gotta,

Am honestly curious, but why does your eldest want to visit her grandma?

I know she is 'family', but is it because she feels:

- a duty to ('family' and all)

- a strong and genuine connection to her grandma

- she needs validation form her grandma

Am asking as the last possibility would be a worrying one for me, as it would indicate that she may get issue later in life from this.

Great question. I have asked her why she want to visit her grandma and she said, “because shes my grandma”

She agrees that she should not see her. I explained (after some thought and reading these posts) that she has probably gotten my bad habit of thinking , ohhh… its not so bad, they didnt mean it…. When in fact, it was bad and they did mean it.

I told her about the time i asked to speak w grandma after divorce court in 2010. Had a girlfriend of mine go get her from wh’s group of support. Asked for grandma. Got grandma and SIL1 who was obviously there to make sure i didnt say anything mean to MIL.

I told dd that SIL2 would nost likely show up at any dinner or lunch if she extended an invite to MIL. (Sil1 lives a few hrs away so it would be sil2)

Dd agreed and doesn’t like sil2 (shes the one who didnt give her a blanket at the lake house, she singled me out once when she was handing out dessert, saying , “you prpbably cant eat this”, and she hasnt talked to me in several years period. Even when I say hello she walks away.)

No real loss felt. We are in their state now. No problem going right through.

If MIL wants a relationship, she can do the legwork to foster it.

THANK YOU

WH yelled because I wouldnt make DD call her grandma on Christmas. He said i was awful. I said she has DD’s cell number. DD agreed and said, “im the child . The adult is the one who makes the effort. Grandma needs to call me.”

Wh flipped his shit. Called ne a horrible person, said i was disrespectful, etc. grandma didn't call dd on Christmas, or any of the kids (younger kids dont have phones) . She didnt call any of them

Thanks for clearing up the reason for your DD's want to see her grandma. Guess the message of 'family is family' is pretty ingrained into her. In and of itself, it is not a bad thing, but in your case, it is not.

It also sounds like your DD has great sense of critical thinking. Well done!

As to your WS's family, I don't know about you, but they sound like a cult.....

Two colleges are in MIL town.

But. Darnit, my kid deserves to see her college

I would really reconsider looking at colleges there. You know his family is toxic and your DD is going to be a very young college student. I think placing her anywhere near his family is going to add a layer of stress to her that she really does not need. That transition is hard enough already without all that.

Just look how much anxiety it adds to your house (and children) each time that summer lake house time comes. Don't put her in a community where they are.

Heck - just look at this post on how much drama it is already...over a maybe meal.

There are tons and tons of colleges. I never realized just how many until we spend two years trekking across the state looking at them.