Newest Member: Maifurrypurt

Just Found Out :
Here I go again

Topic is Sleeping.
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 Sleepingbeauty (original poster member #43792) posted at 3:52 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I was here seven years ago. I ended up D and rebuilt my life. I met what I thought was a nice man late 2019 and then ended up here again. Well my boyfriend and I were having some issues Because of his behavior and hist not telling the truth about a lot of things actually. I went With my sister on vacation for a month. Within a few days his messages were different and he wasn’t calling. I felt something was up. But nothing from him even if I asked him what was going on. He came down and joined us for a couple weeks. And the whole time he was there he just kept telling me how much he loved me and how happy he was and he never been so happy blah blah blah.He was always on his phone, I just assumed it was his four kids. So I finally asked him what was going on I said I know something is going on. Well I went out with somebody a couple times because I didn’t know where we were at. Again since it quite right. As I said things were different you know when things are different. So I got pissed off at night and yelled at him And asked him who he went out with. He gave me a name and again said it wasn’t anything that they had only gone out a couple times. I knew it wasn’t the truth and I went and talk to her. So I had been gone barely a week when he started talking to her. They talked all the time. They went to place that him and I had gone to and then he took it to a restaurant that we were going to go to when I got back from vacation and the kicker is the whole time he’s with me telling me how much he loves me he’s talking to her every day. For some reason the fact that they didn’t have sex makes it all right by him. To me the fact that they didn’t have sex means nothing because neither did we which tells me he was veery involved with her. So when I did the confrontation again I get well I didn’t know where we were going. One hand he apologizes and the other it’s my fault.

I know It’s a long hard road to recovery and I’m not sure I want to do it. I’m not sure he’s taking the right steps to accomplish it. I know the trust is gone on my part and I don’t believe he ever trusted me because of his past.

posts: 535   ·   registered: Jun. 19th, 2014   ·   location: East coast
id 8676992
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The1stWife ( member #58832) posted at 4:51 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I know the trust is gone on my part and I don’t believe he ever trusted me because of his past.

There is the answer.

You don’t have a solid foundation for this relationship.

Time to move on based on the above quote.

Survived two affairs and brink of Divorce. Happily reconciled.

posts: 10556   ·   registered: May. 19th, 2017
id 8677017
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nekonamida ( member #42956) posted at 5:34 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

Well my boyfriend and I were having some issues Because of his behavior and hist not telling the truth about a lot of things actually.

When people show you who they are, believe them. You know that he's a liar. Now you also know that he's a cheater. If honesty and respect are important to you, let him go.

posts: 4969   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
id 8677030
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DIFM ( member #1703) posted at 5:40 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

I’m not sure he’s taking the right steps to accomplish it.

Forgive me if I am out of line, but I do think you are sure, just doing the rationalization "I'm not sure" thing to avoid doing what you probably know is best to do......but, again, are not ready to face and do.

Don't make the same mistakes more than once, else, hard to blame anyone else for going along on a ride you have been on before. Sorry you are here again.

posts: 1726   ·   registered: Jul. 14th, 2003
id 8677033
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ChamomileTea ( member #53574) posted at 5:43 PM on Tuesday, July 20th, 2021

So when I did the confrontation again I get well I didn’t know where we were going. One hand he apologizes and the other it’s my fault.

Nope. You know it's one thing if you two aren't married and maybe there's some doubt about exclusivity or whatever with him claiming to 'not know where it's going'. But to jump right on in there with a big, fat blame-shift??.. that tells you more about his lack of integrity than you're probably in the mood to know right now.

posts: 4530   ·   registered: Jun. 8th, 2016
id 8677035
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BellaLee ( member #58324) posted at 1:01 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

Hi @Sleepingbeauty so sorry you're having to go through this again. Trust is so important in any relationship and if it's missing, it can be very difficult for the relationship to thrive.

I think you need to have a serious discussion as to how committed he is to your relationship and if he really wants to go forward with you. As you know it takes two fully committed people to make a relationship work.

I do want to encourage you to remember that no matter what happens, you are worthy of love that can be trusted.

I pray the near future brings you wisdom for what to do and healing for your emotions.

posts: 171   ·   registered: Apr. 18th, 2017
id 8677440
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 6:21 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

These are red flags.

Don't ignore them.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8677540
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Hurtmyheart ( member #63008) posted at 7:08 PM on Thursday, July 22nd, 2021

I know It’s a long hard road to recovery

You're only 2 years into this relationship, unless you want to try and fix him.

Or you could distance yourself from him and see where he ends up. See if he is welling to do the work on his own to fix his messed up thinking.

My deceased WH had the same behavior when we first met. At the time I was too young and dumb to see it for what it was. Instead I ignored it, overlooked it or swept it under the rug.

We ended up getting married and it turns out our whole marriage was a sham and entangled with lies and infidelity and alcoholism in my case. And because I chose to ignore those red flags, I paid dearly.

Right now you are in the early stages of your relationship and your alarm keeps going off. Listen to it and act accordingly.

I'm not saying that you need to leave him permanently but please set strong boundaries with him and I suggest backing way off from him, practice the 180 and see if he is willing to do the work to prove that he is real and wanting to have a monogamous and trustworthy relationship with you. If you don't do something about this it can only get worse. Sorry you are having to go through this again.

If I could go back in time, this is what I would do. And if you chose to stay and it doesn't work out anyways, you can at least tell yourself that you gave your WBF a chance to prove himself and he failed.

posts: 716   ·   registered: Mar. 12th, 2018
id 8677554
Topic is Sleeping.
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