SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

She clearly wasn't actually remorseful since she never stopped doing it. If she witnessed how much she hurt you and did it again, that's pretty much all you need to know about her and your marriage.

I hope you get the clarity you need to get out of limbo. I absolutely agree you should tell her what you're thinking, even if you don't yet reveal what you know.

So somewhere in the back of my mind, I feel there may be a chance that this is a symptom of those events.

When my dad died I was torn to shreds, and yet I didn't feel like going outside of my marriage. I think you're grasping at straws here, and I'm sorry you're hurting to this extent.

It's clear she is reaching for outside affection, and that's not acceptable.

^^^ this.

My WW lost her Dad and Grandmother within one month of each other. She initiated her latest PA about a month later.

I never understood how screwing someone other than your spouse made things any better. It didn’t/doesn’t. Cheaters are just self centred.

My mood and opinions are shifting hourly. Took the dog for a walk,and started thinking D is the only good answer. An hour from now, I'll want R again.

You don’t need “proof” or the fact your wife is cheating.

You have seen the continued disrespect and lack of boundaries your wife has shown you.

It’s up to you to decide how to proceed or what to do with the information.

She’s out there offering herself to another guy who is not willing to be involved in an affair. She crossed a boundary even if she didn’t actually “ do anything” as cheaters like to describe an affair.

Morally - she’s not true to the marriage. Your call on that issue.

Morally - she’s not true to the marriage. Your call on that issue.

Yup. And I also agree that your wife wasn't remorseful the first time around. At least by my definition of remorse. Because in my book, once you have remorse....I mean really get it....infidelity will never happen again. Maybe divorce; maybe falling out of love with you---but not going down that same path of destruction.

She’s out there offering herself to another guy who is not willing to be involved in an affair. She crossed a boundary even if she didn’t actually “ do anything” as cheaters like to describe an affair.

Morally - she’s not true to the marriage. Your call on that issue

I can't argue with that. My plan is to spend this week checking out divorce attorneys. We have a birthday party for my daughter next Sunday, after that I'm going to confront her.

I don't know exactly what I'm going to say, but I will tell her I've attorney shopped (hopefully I've found one I'd use by then) and I'm ready to press the D button.

I'd like to have a path to R available, but I'm feeling less and less like I want that, even though I don't really want to D either.

This sucks.

My WW lost her Dad and Grandmother within one month of each other. She initiated her latest PA about a month later.

Post hoc ergo proptor hoc

After it, therefore, because of it - don't simply assume that because one thing follows another, the first thing caused the second thing to happen...

WantNoMore.

Here is free (free to you — from my expensive counselor during the affair) advice I received.

Just b/c your spouse cheats doesn’t mean you must D. It’s up to you to decide what you want and what is important. I know people who are married in the public eye but have agreements to discretely date someone else. Both the H and W agreed to this and each has a “significant” other. It’s was never cheating per se, but it is a different Kind of marriage.

Some people remain married until kids are older and then D. Some remain because of lifestyle or a whole host of reasons.

You need to decide if having a trustworthy honest spouse who is committed to monogamy is the most important thing to you. Or if staying married to your wife is the most important thing to you (right now) even if she’s possibly still lying and cheating and not committing to changing or improving anything.

You don’t need to make a decision right now. But whatever you choose you need to accept that you made the decision with your eyes wide open and seeing the reality for exactly ehat it is.

Sounds like you've got a pretty good game plan - talking to lawyers, going to confront her in a couple of weeks.

I'd like to have a path to R available, but I'm feeling less and less like I want that, even though I don't really want to D either.

I don't think you should feel ashamed or defeated if you reconcile. That's a perfectly reasonable choice for you.

Especially if she's willing to put the work in to reconcile like in 2001.

I have to say a 50 yr old woman chasing a man 15 yrs younger man and getting shot down is kind of pathetic. That's a really sad way to have to think of your wife.

I think she needs to get her head straight if you want to reconcile. Damn that's callous and cruel to you and really selfish on her part to do what she's done.

Read up on serial cheaters so you know what you’re dealing with.

The1stWife, you are suggesting an open marriage? It didn't sound like OP was about that given his original post. I must have missed something.

It read to me more like The1stWife was laying out options. Open marriage is not an option, but I do get the point of her message.

The1stWife - message received, and understood.

While I would love for her to have a "Come to Jesus" moment, I am not willing to continue the marriage with her if she isn't going to be remorseful and willing to work on herself to get right. AND to give me the love and respect I deserve.

[This message edited by wantnomore at 6:17 AM, July 19th (Monday)]

She has had years to change herself and look at herself and she hasn't. Don't waste one more minute of time trying to get her to come around and start acting like a decent spouse. She doesn't have it in her, just like mine didn't.

I have read other threads where the term "sunk cost fallacy" is used to describe the reasons why some spouses keep giving their waywards chance after chance after chance. This seems to be your issue. You keep investing all this hope into a person who will never be able to meet your standards as a mate (or anyone else's either).

the depth of the love I've had for this woman over most of the length of our marriage has been almost frightening.

And that sir is the core of your problems with her. You love her far more than she loves you. Her actions prove that.

[This message edited by TheWrongOne at 1:46 PM, July 28th (Wednesday)]