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Just Found Out :
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 Hurting280 (original poster new member #79125) posted at 12:26 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

A week ago from today I had a sinking feeling that something was wrong. I did something I thought I would never do. I decided to go through my wife of 5 and a half year's phone.i was stunned to find that she was texting another man whose name was vaguely familiar. As I scrolled through I found he was asking her things like "come back over today?" And "I want to have sex with you."

I confronted my W immediately. She came outside with me to our usual stomping ground for discussions, out back deck over a smoke.

She proceeded to lie all about it, saying he was her X from before I met her 10 years ago. She was only in contact with him because he had a copy of a sims game she wanted to get.

I believed it all. But the next morning I needed to read more of their conversations because something didn't sit right with me. I went on her phone again and found she deleted the texting thread but there was a message from him that morning on FB messenger. She messaged him after our talk the night before telling him "he went through my phone", and his response that morning was "why did he do that".

I started to scroll through more of the conversations and found she was telling him "I love you". That was enough for me to know she does not say those words to anyone but me and our two kids. Not even to her parents or friends. I woke her up and asked for the truth. She gave it to me. She had been talking to him for about 4 months and it had brought back old memories and feelings and evolved into meeting him for lunch dates, walks, and sex.

I was devastated. As the weekend went along, we talked, she blocked him on all forms of communication and continued to answer my questions. Granted a lot of her responses were "I don't know."

She agreed to go to counseling with me and to even start seeing an individual counselor. We have been struggling to get that started though.

After a few days passed, I asked her to try to find answers to the questions she could not answer and one I am struggling with still is, she believes she still loves me, but is confused how that could be true because of what she did to me. And she still feels she also loves this other man.

I am certain I want to work through this and get our marriage back to what it was before her re entered her life. But I am stick waiting for her to figure out her feelings.

I am the type of person to keep pressing for conversation and answers and she is getting overwhelmed by that. I feel like for my own health I need to keep things moving along, but I feel like I am pushing her away even more as I do. I cannot imagine life without her and how that would work with our 2 kids. I don't know what to do. The therapist I was able to talk with told me I needed to give her space, but I cannot even fathom that. She is the only one I want to talk to about my feelings and struggles with this, I want her to see it my way. I feel like if I give her space she might see that as me backing away and conceding to her feelings for this other man. I can tell she is emotionally g struggling some mornings and I want to talk to her, but she gets angry and walls up saying, "it's nothing good and is just going to hurt you.".

I don't know what to do.

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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 12:36 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Sorry you are going through this. You are doing the pick me dance. It never works. It makes you look weak in her eyes compared to her AP. You can’t nice your WW back or force her to change her feelings. Read in the healing library and implement the 180. Stop doing things for her. Get tested for STDs. See an attorney to learn your rights. You deserve better. If the AP is married inform his OBS. You have to act firmly and value yourself. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

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Cooley2here ( member #62939) posted at 12:56 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Some simple things. You can’t make someone love you. If she is openly questioning if she does then she doesn’t. This old relationship never went away, it just went into hibernation. Old loves have a strong pull on people.

Please make sure you have a support system in place.

Behave with dignity.

Get plenty of sleep, proper nourishment. Therapy for yourself.

Discuss options with an attorney.

To thine own self be true. Shakespeare

posts: 2911   ·   registered: Mar. 5th, 2018   ·   location: US
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tushnurse ( member #21101) posted at 1:36 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

First of all you need to understand that this has nothing to do with you, the type of spouse you were, the type of man you are.

It is 100% about how broken she is.

Now moving forward, I hate to say it, but as wrong as the advice from the therapist seems, it is somewhat accurate. You need to lay a firm line in the sand and stick to it. The first thing you need to do is tell her that she is able to continue to contact him, but it won't be with you waiting around for her to make up her mind. You will not tolerate it. Stand firm. You deserve love and respect and if she can't choose to give it to you then you truly deserve better.

See an attorney, learn your rights, understand what S or D looks like for you.

See your Dr get full STD testing, and let your Dr know what's up, make sure you get a physical. This is often the most traumatic thing you can go through, so make sure you discuss if you are having trouble sleeping and eating. The lack of each can often make your ability to control your emotions much more difficult. It makes your ability to make solid decisions difficult.

Figure out what your deal breakers are. Figure out how you will enforce them. The first thing I would tell you to do, is kick her out of your bedroom, and stop having sex with her, until she stops communicating with this man.

Keep reading, keep posting, save yourself because no one else will.

Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 21 &23
Married for 28 years now, was 16 at the time.
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 2:01 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Be wary of marriage counseling. First of all the marriage didn’t cheat on you, she did. She needs individual counseling to help her figure out what’s broken inside of her, why she gave herself permission to step outside of your marriage. Second, many marriage counselors treat infidelity as just another marriage problem, i.e. something both partners are responsible for and often advocate rugsweeping, or follow the bs unmet needs model. A really bad one can even validate your wayward wife’s cheating.

She needs IC with someone experienced in treating infidelity. You need someone versed in treating betrayal trauma. If there’s no one like that in your area check for somebody who treats ptsd or trauma.

MC or IC vet them carefully on their views on infidelity.

[This message edited by asc1226 at 8:02 AM, July 16th (Friday)]

I make edits, words is hard

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susielee ( member #74877) posted at 2:17 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

"The therapist I was able to talk with told me I needed to give her space, but I cannot even fathom that."

You don't need to give her space, she has already taken her space and put another man in it.

You need to give yourself space, and do the hard 180, not the soft 180.

When I noticed my ex had changed almost over night, I confronted him and he said it was just work pressure and he needed space.

I in desperation backed off and gave him space, and he and the whore used it for almost a year of unfettered... well I won't say it.

I think the therapist should have said give yourself space, not her. You need to have the space and time to figure out you are likely much better off if you cut her loose.

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goalong ( member #57352) posted at 2:29 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

How long have you been married? Looks like she selected you for safety and wondering eye Ex for fun. The way the two communicated between them after the exposure it looks like they are annoyed and disappointed this convenient arrangement is disrupted.

I believe her. If you believe a cheater you will believe anything and anyone. See WW did not get emotional when you found out. That means the emotional part is with the OM and mundane day to day living is with you. To me it looks like this has been going on for a long time. Find how long they have been in contact.

Understand you emotional. But you need to act with self-respect. If you plead and act weak normally WWs like you even less and only they have pity. She is not your friend at least at the present so do not expect any favors. Also R without any consequences only make her even more bold and justified. Light some fires. Is the OM married. inform his wife. Remember when a cheater knows that there is a caring BS at home no matter what s/he enjoy cheatings even more

Not directing at you but something I see again and again is people are not consulting an elder who has much more life experience to wet their life partner and proceed to marry purely on instincts that sometime lead to problems down the line

[This message edited by goalong at 8:52 AM, July 16th (Friday)]

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Marz ( member #60895) posted at 2:47 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

All cheaters lie a lot. Your first and most important course of action is to find out if he’s married and if so inform his wife.

You can’t accomplish a thing unless the affair ends.

Don’t trust anything. If you think just because you found out it’ll end you are mistaken. They may just go deeper underground.

Anything she tells you is suspect. Only your actions will count for much. Wake up!!!

She blocked him. So what. She can unblock him too!!!

[This message edited by Marz at 8:48 AM, July 16th (Friday)]

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Never2late ( new member #79079) posted at 3:15 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Your mentality and attitude about this is completely wrong and will ultimately just exacerbate your suffering. You are not unique in this. You sound like a nice guy who loves his wife and family, but you CANNOT nice guy your way out of this situation.

At this point your position needs to be you do not know what YOU will decide. You need time and more information to process this betrayal. Further, you have to mean it. As unpleasant as it is you must be completely ready to walk if she doesn't meet the criteria to become a safe partner again.

If you decided you want to reconcile this early...you are done. Just tell her you want to stay married and she can just continue to screw this other guy. Maybe he can have her every other weekend. Problem solved (sarcasm).

Please listen to the very experienced people trying to help you.

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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 3:30 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Let's talk about what you're dealing with here:

A. A four month affair. That is four months of stone cold lies and deception, sex and other things with the OM. Countless willful actions, countless willful decisions, countless willful lies. You have to look at that in the face. As George Orwell put it, "To see what is in front of one's nose needs a constant struggle." By the way, four months is about the average length of most affairs before exposure. If they go longer than that or are successfully buried, it's obviously even worse for the betrayed spouse.

B. A sexual betrayal. A full on physical affair, in which your WW (wayward wife) is now in a highly limerant attachment to another man.

C. The "I love you but I'm not in love with you" speech. You've been given a version of it. It amounts to the same thing.

D. Trickle truth. You've had to drag the truth out of her. She didn't voluntarily disclose it. To this day, it's likely she is still in contact with him. And she is still lying to you.

E. "I don't know." This is a categorically unacceptable response from a WW after DDAY (while it is also so common as to be a cliche). It is also yet another bald-faced lie after so many other lies. Your trust is not at zero; it is now in negative territory and she keeps making it worse.

I am certain I want to work through this and get our marriage back to what it was before her re entered her life. But I am stick waiting for her to figure out her feelings.

Gently, you are not certain of anything, and unfortunately you will not be certain of anything for a long time. I hate to put it that way but you came to SI for advice, and we try to give it to straight here.

Do not offer reconciliation. You don't know the whole truth. You don't know who or what you'd be reconciling with and for.

Aside from that, reconciliation is VERY HARD. It is very painful. Divorce is also extremely difficult and painful. You don't know which path is right for you now. And you need some time to really learn more about both options before you decide.

Waiting around for her to 'figure out' her feelings is weak. It is the pick me dance. I'm not being harsh here; many of us have done it. But many of us didn't have SI to advise us either. You have SI. Listen to us. Stop being weak. Stop the pick me dance RIGHT NOW.

I feel like if I give her space she might see that as me backing away and conceding to her feelings for this other man.

This may, in fact, happen, in which case you have a clear answer. It is also highly likely the exact opposite will occur, and she will panic and start realizing what she has done and what is at stake. One thing is for sure: by you dancing around on a hot plate, simpering around her, she's going to string you along.

One version of "backing away" is essentially conceding an open marriage and willingly embracing her duplicity and betrayal. The other version is getting strong, a hard 180 and a no nonsense attitude.

but she gets angry and walls up saying, "it's nothing good and is just going to hurt you.".

Three things to understand here: 1. This is called 'stonewalling' and Gottman lists it among the four horsemen that end marriages. 2. Her anger is also a form of DARVO (look up the acronym). 3. When she says "is just going to hurt you" what she's REALLY communicating is how much she believes it will damage her image in your eyes and how her own ego will take a hit.

And that brings me to my final macro point as I pull the lens back here to give you a "gestalt" view of your situation: You must look at the woman in front of you, not the woman you imagined her to be. Not the woman on the pedestal. Not the wife you thought you had. The very woman in front of you.

Adultery is abuse. It is narcissistic. It is vile. It is debased. It is animalistic. It is lust. Short of murder, it is among the most toxic things one human can do to another.

Adultery creates a rift in time and space. An irrevocable hard boundary in your reality of before and after. Like murder. You kill someone and you can't bring them back to life. You kill a marriage and you can't bring it back to life. Get that now: The old marriage is dead. Dead, dead, like really dead. It is possible that you may build something entirely new, and by that I mean literally from the ground up new.

But adultery cannot be undone. It cannot be forgotten. It will now be a permanent fixture in your relationship with your WW going forward.

Adultery is also revelatory of a person's core personality, their actual worldview and life philosophy, the ethical "if/then/else" algorithims in their minds they use to make important decisions. In other words who they really are, rather than who you thought they were.

I realize you may be reading this thinking I'm being too harsh on your sweet wife. I assure you I am not. The only wayward spouses who have ANY hope of reconciling are those who confront the ugly, vicious, terrible truths about who they are and what they have done.

You're going to have to confront that.

So what should you do? What can you do?

Below, here's a DIY kit for these early days. This list is not exhaustive, but it will give you a start -- and to be clear, you're at the beginning of a very long and painful process. I've marked steps below that apply to either R (reconciliation) or D (divorce) or simply both scenarios.

1. NO marital counseling. Ignore this if you like, but don't say you weren't warned. Marital counseling after infidelity is a waste of time and money. It is uniformly recommended against here on SI.

2. YES to Individual counseling. Immediately get yourself to individual counseling with a betrayal trauma specialist (D or R, either way you need it) - this specialty, betrayal trauma specialist, is VERY important.

3. See an attorney. Get an immediate appointment with a divorce attorney to understand the process (D or R, either way you need to do this)

4. Avoid HB sex. No hysterical bonding sex with her. Don't do it. Don't fall prey to the tears and sobbing jags. It's a form of manipulation. It may be genuine emotion she's expressing in terms of shame, but the tears are not for you.

5. Test for STD's. Get an immediate comprehensive STD test. Demand one from her also (this is a D or R, must have)

6. Finances: Talk to your new attorney about separating finances, and start yourself a new checking account. Start having your paycheck deposited there. Withdraw half of what's in joint accounts and put it in accounts you control. Life insurance, credit cards, etc. A good step for either R or D.

7. VAR. Get a voice activated recorder at BestBuy (the $50-60 SONY) with a big memory card and start carrying it around activated in your pocket to record any interactions with her (D or R) This will protect you from false domestic violence charges. Sounds far-fetched? It is not. Heed this. Consider also placing VARs in her car and near where she puts on makeup in the mornings. If you need more info on VARs, we can help.

8. 180. Implement a hard 180. Disengage. I repeat, disengage. Read about the 180 here on SI in the sidebar articles.

9. NO CONTACT: Demand your WW write a no contact letter to her affair partner that you review. Real NO CONTACT. If she breaks no contact, you're done.

10. TIMELINE: She writes down a comprehensive, many pages in length, narrative timeline of the affair in her own hand with pen and paper. EDIT TO ADD: In her own hand with a pen and paper is extremely important. Not typed. Writing it out the old school way makes it very real and visceral and ugly for her. She needs that. She does this in TWO DAYS. That's plenty of time. She drags her feet, then you walk. Do not pass GO. Details. Not a minimum outline. The whole truth. No lies of omission. This is probably only R, but you can't R with incomplete information.

10A. POLYGRAPH: Once you have the written timeline, review it, make notes, write down questions. Then schedule a polygraph examination for your wife and tell her the timeline will be tested against a polygraph for veracity. Do it as soon after receiving the written timeline as you can.

11. NO MORE MIND GAMES. No TRICKLE TRUTH. No BLAMESHIFTING. No more bullshit JUSTIFICATIONS about how she felt or how you weren't paying enough attention. No more REWRITING THE HISTORY OF YOUR MARRIAGE to portray you in a false bad light. NO MORE.

12. READ. You both read "How to Help Your Spouse Heal from Your Affair" - she writes out a detailed plan in her own hand for how she plans on implementing the book's recommendations. You should also read for yourself "No More Mr. Nice Guy" and "Cheating in a Nutshell."

13. DR. FONE: She turns over all of her devices to you for open review and retrieval of deleted information. Run Dr. Fone software on her phone.

14. EXPOSE (D or R): Expose the affair to her immediate family. This is not for revenge. It is not to get her family "on your side." It is to stop any minimization or false narrative. And it is to implode the fantasy bubble of the affair.

15. EXPOSE (D or R): Expose the affair immediately to any other betrayed spouse or girlfriend. You must do this. You would want to know if it were you. And this further implodes the fantasy of the affair and typically brings it to a screeching halt.

16. GIFTS: Any physical reminders (gifts, sex toys, lingeries, perfume, anything) of the affair should be thrown away. My WW's AP got her a wine fridge as a gift and my WW passively wouldn't do anything with it after D-Day. Huge mistake on her part. I finally threw it in a dumpster in a fit of rage. (This is a D or R action).

Lastly, consider a therapeutic separation from your WW between 30-90 days (probably 30 days minimum) to give you peace and to allow your mind to settle apart from her. This is recommended in books like "Cheating in a Nutshell."

EDIT TO ADD: What I've provided you with here is a pretty decent summation of most of the early advice you'll receive here at SI. You can react to it by saying "well that's not me, my situation is different" or "all of this seems over the top and too harsh." Both of those ways of looking at this will be mistakes. Every situation is in fact unique and so is every individual, but adultery situations have strikingly common themes running through them and predictable patterns of behavior on the part of wayward spouses. The advice is not harsh; it is realistic. It is what will put you on the path to getting out of infidelity, whether you decide to reconcile or divorce.

[This message edited by Thumos at 10:38 AM, July 16th (Friday)]

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

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asc1226 ( member #75363) posted at 3:43 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

If you’re wondering where to find the 180, go to the healing library here in the top left corner of the page. You’ll find a lot of other helpful articles there. Also read the pinned threads at the top of this forum. In addition to How to Help Your Spouse Heal you should also get Not Just Friends by Shirley Glass. Both books are short and can be read in an an afternoon.

I make edits, words is hard

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wantnomore ( new member #71871) posted at 4:32 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Yes, it sucks. Sucks hard. I get it.

You have to start with the 180.

Make sure you are getting enough sleep.

Make sure you are eating. (Though the infidelity diet can be a silver lining)

Exercise. If you don't, start. If you do, consider adding another day or two. It really helps with the stress - and it has some other great benefits too!

Read Thumos post.

Read it again.

Print it out, and highlight it.

Then read it once more.

Make reading it a daily thing until you know it ice cold.

Whether you D or R you need to be aware of all your options.

Good luck.

posts: 34   ·   registered: Oct. 18th, 2019
id 8676122
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Thumos ( member #69668) posted at 4:57 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

One more thing for you to think about: Your wife is not your friend right now, and maybe won't be for a long time, maybe never again.

She's not looking out for you. She's looking out for herself.

She's acting in decidedly unloving ways and is telling you straight up she doesn't know *how* she loves you, in what way, or why.

She is NOT YOUR FRIEND.

The space alien in front of you is the person you have to deal with. That person is right now essentially your enemy, abusing you, ripping you apart.

You have to be honest with yourself about that and act accordingly. Protect yourself. Do many of the same things a victim of domestic violence should do. Get yourself to a place of safety both mentally and physically (a literal place of safety).

"True character is revealed in the choices a human being makes under pressure. The greater the pressure, the deeper the revelation, the truer the choice to the character's essential nature."

BH (me): 50, WW: 49Married: Feb. 1996DDAY: Dec. 20

posts: 4249   ·   registered: Feb. 5th, 2019   ·   location: UNITED STATES
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jb3199 ( member #27673) posted at 6:53 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Hurting,

I bet that you are going to read these responses from the other members, and be overwhelmed. You are watching your LIFE crumbling in front of you, and you are unable to stop the damage. Believe me, EVERYONE here understands.

So I am not going to pile more on you. What I am going to advise you to do right now, is to read all the replies you have and will receive, and read them again. Let them sink in a little. Don't discount things that sound absolutely wrong to you right now. Over time, you are going to learn, like it or not, that most of it will be with your best interests, and the most effective of getting you out of infidelity.

NOTE: I did not say that it will save your marriage. Unfortunately, the only way to guarantee that is for you to accept whatever your wife does from here until the end of time. Whether she continues this affair, starts another, or whatever she plans. And as terrible as that plan sounds, she can STILL divorce you.

But let's slow down here. Just read, read, and read some more. Post as much as you feel comfortable with. And remember--the more that you share, the better that our advice can be. You are going to get through this, but it hurts like hell.

BH-50s
WW-50s
2 boys
Married 28yrs.(together over 30yrs.)

All work and no play has just cost me my wife--Gary Puckett
D-Day(s): Enough
Accepting that I can/may end this marriage 7/2/14

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 Hurting280 (original poster new member #79125) posted at 8:49 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Thank you all for your words and advice. Some of it is still hard to read, but I will keep checking back and rereading as we continue.

I am still wondering now how the advice about living for myself and separating as much as possible physically applies with kids involved. I read the article related to the 180 and was still let without an answer.

Examples.

We have a wedding for my cousin this month, a festival her father has been running for 25 years, date might tickets to see frozen the musical next month, some tickets to take our son to see a Thomas the tank engine live event....etc etc. As of now it feels like the right thing to do is continue as planned with these events since they are for family and our children (with the exception of frozen having been a father's day present for us). But I left unsure if I want to go and pretend nothing is wrong, and certainly I would have no idea if I would even be able to keep it together in front of so many people that I know don't know....

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AnOminousMan ( member #79091) posted at 9:38 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Thank you all for your words and advice. Some of it is still hard to read, but I will keep checking back and rereading as we continue.

I am still wondering now how the advice about living for myself and separating as much as possible physically applies with kids involved. I read the article related to the 180 and was still let without an answer.

Examples.

We have a wedding for my cousin this month, a festival her father has been running for 25 years, date might tickets to see frozen the musical next month, some tickets to take our son to see a Thomas the tank engine live event....etc etc. As of now it feels like the right thing to do is continue as planned with these events since they are for family and our children (with the exception of frozen having been a father's day present for us). But I left unsure if I want to go and pretend nothing is wrong, and certainly I would have no idea if I would even be able to keep it together in front of so many people that I know don't know....

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. My prayers are with you and your children.

My advice would be to get in touch with your anger. Seriously. Find some healthy outlet and channel it.

If you don't feel any anger at your wife and the fact that she, wife and mother, has tossed your family to the side so she can be with her "one true love", look into that. Think about the unfairness of the fact that, when/if she rips your family apart (perhaps even seeking to replace you as your children's father with her ex) she will likely face no consequences for doing so. If that doesn't burn you up your soul, you need to get there, fast. That kind of emotional suppression has killed people before.

When you feel finally get in touch with your anger about your situation, you will see her for who she is. That will allow you to get your priorities focused, almost instantly, and will allow you to make the best choices for you and your children.

If you love me, you will keep my commandments. (John 14:15)
My story doesn't really matter. I had it way easier than most.
The only thing that matters is can you stare into the mirror and like what you see.

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KingofNothing ( member #71775) posted at 10:04 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

I am certain I want to work through this and get our marriage back to what it was before her re entered her life. But I am stick waiting for her to figure out her feelings.

If she thinks she still loves another man, then, gently, I have to tell you reconciliation will never work. If she is still in contact with him, the affair is still ongoing. If the affair is ongoing, there is no reconciliation. You only have her word about what she has done and is willing to do to save your family, and (as I often say) what good is her word with you right now?

Thumos is right when he warns you she is not acting as your friend, your wife, or your lover. She is none of those at the moment. Friends don't act this way-- they don't betray you. Your wife certainly shouldn't. Did you both say some vows at some point? Yeah, about those! Could she be a good partner in the future? It's possible. Right now? Rest assured, she's saying what she's saying to save her own ass and not be the bad person who brought on divorce. It might be possible for her to regain the trust, if the adultery fog lifts long enough for her to realize how badly she has hurt you. It will require work, dedication and painful self-analysis. None of this "I don't know why I did it" or "It just happened" responses.

She did a big, important, bad thing to her family. She's a grown woman, not a child. She can use her grown up words to tell YOU why she CHOSE to do this. Why did she choose to rekindle feelings? Why did she choose to act on those feelings? Why did she choose to take it to the next step, repeatedly? Why did she allow this? Those questions-- all of them, are on her. She has to give you answers. She knows it was wrong. She chose to inflict the hurt. You deserve more than an "I dunno".

Oh and when they say "I'm soooo confused about who I love.. I can't make up my mind! The feelings!" The truth is-- they're not confused at all. They HAVE made up their mind (usually). They are usually playing for time at that point, waiting for something to change-- his marital status, your patience, something. So just keep remembering-- she's not helpless, she's on the hook for this, and SHE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND now.

Rex Nihilo, the King of Nothing
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“If you’re going through hell, keep going. Just please stop screaming, it’s not good for morale.”
— Winston Churchill

BS 3 DDays/Attempted R, it failed. In a better place

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guvensiz ( member #75858) posted at 1:20 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Sorry for you are here.

As the weekend went along, we talked, she blocked him on all forms of communication and continued to answer my questions. Granted a lot of her responses were "I don't know."

Cheatears lie a lot. Don't believe her words. "I don't know" is not an answer.

It doesn't seem very believable that she ended the affaire by blocking him while saying that she loves him. They're probably even more hidden. Whenever you find something new, don't confront her right away. Don't tell her all you know and how you find out.

MC can be harmful, far from helpful. IC would be best for both of you.

I am the type of person to keep pressing for conversation and answers and she is getting overwhelmed by that.

You won't get anywhere by talking to her. Are you going to tell her that what she did was wrong and that she hurt you? She already knows it and doesn't care. These conversational efforts drive her further away. You should do hard 180.

Don't pick me dance. Never! Her pity for you, seeing you weak will cause you to be worthless in her eyes. And if what she did has no consequences, if you still nice her back, why would she stop what she did?

Don't say that you want to R right away before you know the whole truth. She's the one who should want it and beg for it. She doesn't even seem so sure she wants to stay married. In these circumstances R is unthinkable.

See a divorce lawyer to learn about your legal options.

IMO you should file for D and serve her. Tell her she can do whatever she wants, that you can't force her to do anything, but that you don't have to put up with it either. You can stop process D at any time according to her reaction. If she choose AP, you'll already have your answer and you won't waste any time.

We have a wedding for my cousin this month, a festival her father has been running for 25 years, date might tickets to see frozen the musical next month, some tickets to take our son to see a Thomas the tank engine live event....

You don't have to pretend like there's nothing goes wrong. Expose her affaire everyone related, your family, her family, close friends etc. Inform OBS if AP is married or in a RS.

She needs to wake up from her fairy tale and step into the real world. Instead of her fantasies, she has to experience the shame of infidelity.

Stay here and take the suggestions seriously. Those here were once in your place, and they know very well what works and what doesn't. I mention this specifically because your initial approach seems to get you results you don't want.

Good luck.

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fareast ( member #61555) posted at 2:41 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

Hurting280:

You’ve received good advice. Read tushnurse again. A lot of wisdom there. This is not a race. Get into counseling to help you cope. You can detach and keep your WW at arms length and watch her actions. Is she remorseful? What actions is she taking to rebuild trust. Be there for your children. You don’t have to destroy everything your children are looking forward to doing. Enjoy events with your kids. As tushnurse said, stand firm. Let your WW know that she can continue to contact the POS AP but not as your WW. If she is carrying on her A she can stay home. Most importantly take care of you and your health, and your kids. Good luck.

Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.

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Robert22205https ( member #65547) posted at 2:12 PM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I (we)understand that having kids is probably the biggest reason why you want to save your marriage.

You’re willing to sacrifice yourself for your kids ( I get that).

However, experience shows us that there’s an optimal strategy to save your marriage.

And it's even an optimal strategy where your wife immediately begs to R. Why? because she needs to be motivated to fix herself and become a safe partner going forward.

It’s not intuitive, but basically the more she sees you taking control and leaning towards divorce the more likely she is to realize the OM is a POS and to find you more attractive.

Experience also shows us that your next (optimal) moves are the same whether you D or R.

First, what you don’t do:

1 – don’t cry (in her state of mind, she won’t pity you or feel guilty & she’ll see it as weakness/unappealing);

2 – don’t show any hesitation to divorce (bluff if you have to) rather than live with a life partner that you can’t trust. See an attorney, separate bank accounts, move her to the couch , and expose the affair to all (without warning her).

You taking preliminary steps to exit the marriage is more likely to get her attention or wake her up more than tears, begging, guilting her over the kids, or giving her time to think (not to your or your kids advantage).

If she needs time to think, you already lost her. Better to find out now – than later. Plus, giving her time to think makes you look weak (and unappealing).

3 – Take charge. Get angry (but stay civil).

For her to take you seriously, she needs to believe that you’re ready to D right now (bluff).

Inform her that your preliminary decision is to D. However, you will give yourself (not her) 90 days to calm down before reaching a final decision.

Inform her, that in the interim, she has 90 days to prove (take certain actions) she deserves a second chance.

Remind her that, because of her deceit/affair, her words/promises mean nothing with respect to the OM.

It’s entirely up to her to prove to you that there’s NC, and that she’s actively taking steps to make herself a safe partner.

Finally, if she even suspects you’re inclined to R (even if it’s only for the kids) – YOU LOSE.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 8:16 AM, July 17th (Saturday)]

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