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Wayward Side :
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 Rebuilding1218 (original poster new member #77365) posted at 7:12 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

DDay was in December 2020. I am the Wayward Husband. I came 100% clean on dday and shared everything. I was an open book and gave her access to everything. My wife has not committed to reconciliation at this point but we are still living together and seeing a MC and ICs. I am 100% committed to saving our marriage. I am 100% in love with my wife. I wont elaborate on why I cheated, but I completely own all the fault. My wife has always had guy friends. Since D day I know she has had one emotional affair and exchanged sexual pics online. She has confided in four men about our relationship issues. 2 know everything. I know I am at fault for cheating and zero blame falls on her. I have shared my concerns with her and she blows them off. She has stopped contact with the one emotional/online guy. I was curious of how other WS handled this type of thing. She will be travelling out of state next week and I know she will see one of her old guy friends who knows everything. My wife has always struggled with alcoholism. She has been trying to stay sober recently and has had a lot of slip ups. I do not expect her to stay sober and have never told her so. She has unnecessarily lied to me about her drinking and just today I found bottles in the trash. She plans to drink on her vacation and has openly told me that. I worry that this guy friend and her drinking is a threatening combo. How would you handle this situation?

posts: 12   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2021
id 8675840
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MrsWalloped ( member #62313) posted at 9:04 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

I worry that this guy friend and her drinking is a threatening combo. How would you handle this situation?

I'm a WW and wow.

Okay, I think you can gently raise the drinking issue if you are truly concerned for her safety. And that's it. Not out of jealousy or fear about any other men. Actually, I thought you were separated. Are you? Regardless, after cheating on her for 8 years, you being jealous of her possibly seeing another man that may very well be perfectly innocent would not go over well.

Also, "unnecessarily lied?" Really? Perhaps she just doesn't feel the need to share with you anymore after 8 years of betrayal and lies?

Mister, you have a lot of work to do on yourself rather than focus on what she's doing? You want the best way to ensure she stops talking to or being friends with other men? Work on yourself. Show her through your actions that you are working at being a different person. She may still leave you, but IMO that is your only shot. Making demands or being jealous after what you did will do nothing.

Me: WW 47
My BH: Walloped 48
A: 3/15 - 8/15 (2 month EA, turned into 3 month PA)
DDay: 8/3/15
In R

posts: 685   ·   registered: Jan. 17th, 2018
id 8675859
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foreverlabeled ( member #52070) posted at 9:13 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

So.. I can relate to this a lot. My Ex provided me several ddays the final was just over a year after my dday, when I found out he got himself a girlfriend. I thought we were at least striving for R but that action proved me very very wrong.

I struggled greatly with the idea that I didn't have the right to say I won't tolerate cheating, because after, I did that very thing. Its a bit hypocritical isn't it?

What is your situation? Are you allowing some kind of grace period (for a lack of better words) until she is ready to commit to R, where you will sit by her through these exchanges with other men?

33 divorced Madhatter
Time is no ones friend, nor their enemy. It moves forward at its own fixed pace, careless of our wants to speed it or slow it.

posts: 2515   ·   registered: Mar. 1st, 2016   ·   location: southeast
id 8675861
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Darkness Falls ( member #27879) posted at 9:27 PM on Thursday, July 15th, 2021

You have every right to refuse to accept active alcoholism. Consider if this is a boundary for you, or if it should be.

Is the guy she’s meeting up with her EA partner?

WS - remarried to BH but not in R

D-day 2010

posts: 6312   ·   registered: Mar. 8th, 2010   ·   location: USA
id 8675866
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GreenRanger21 ( new member #78987) posted at 5:20 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

Rebuilding,

You say that you're concerned about your wife drinking with a male friend, and you are aware of some Infidelity on her part in your relationship, but I think you need to focus on your role and responsibility in the marriage and stop worrying about her actions. I can somewhat relate as a WS because my BS downloaded a dating app and is actively using it while we are still living together and it tears me apart inside, but you know what? The shit I did to her tears her apart 1000x more than the shit she is doing now because of the pain of my betrayal.

I don't feel like as a WS early in recovery I have any right to be sanctimonious about them trying to have a RA. If it's going to happen then it's going to happen and there is little you or I can do about it. You just need to decide for yourself if that's something you can move past, just like our BS need to decide if our actions are something they're able to move past.

Focus on yourself right now. You are going to need to show yourself that you have the desire to make the necessary changes to the brokenness inside of you that lead to your Infidelity. If you can - find a trusted friend that you can call and express your pain and frustration to who will be empathetic and understanding of your situation even if they have never been there. I wish you the best! Just remember to focus on the things you can control and you'll come out okay.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Jun. 22nd, 2021   ·   location: Missouri
id 8676145
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 Rebuilding1218 (original poster new member #77365) posted at 7:03 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

[This message edited by Rebuilding1218 at 1:04 PM, July 16th (Friday)]

posts: 12   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2021
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 Rebuilding1218 (original poster new member #77365) posted at 7:14 PM on Friday, July 16th, 2021

MrsWalloped- We were separated for about a week and she asked me to come home.

foreverlabeled- In April she committed to letting me know if she was unfaithful. We have both agreed to be faithful while we our in MC and attempting R.

Darkness Falls- As far as drinking goes I have not taken a stance. It's one way for her to escape the pain, although hangovers are bad and increase her anxiety/depression. She's trying to stop for herself. She had a history of alcoholism and drug use prior to us being together, going to AA etc. I did ask her if she wanted me to play any role in supporting her not drinking. She didn't really have a response, but I told her I would never drink if she was trying to stay sober.

posts: 12   ·   registered: Feb. 22nd, 2021
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JBWD ( member #70276) posted at 12:22 AM on Saturday, July 17th, 2021

I do not expect her to stay sober and have never told her so.

…but I told her I would never drink if she was trying to stay sober.

She has unnecessarily lied to me about her drinking and just today I found bottles in the trash.

I think these messages all point to some inconsistency. And I get how hard it can be to discern your goals in your wife’s sobriety-

Are you invested in her sobriety because it makes her more predictable, less volatile, less likely to do things that could hurt you? Or is your interest in her health and safety?

Bottom line is whatever your motivations are, there isn’t time to enact a healthy change before she goes on this trip. There’s some degree of discomfort you’re going to have to live with for this trip, unless you determine that this isn’t a condition you’re willing to accept in the relationship.

Me: WH
(Multiple OEA/PA, culminating in 4 month
EA/PA. D-Day 20 Oct 2018 41 y/o)
Married 14 years
Her: BS 37 y/o at D-Day
13 y/o son, 10 y/o daughter
6 months HB, broken NC, TT
SUCKED at growth and rebuilding

posts: 907   ·   registered: Apr. 11th, 2019   ·   location: SoCal
id 8676302
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 5:55 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

I think you should continue working on yourself and possibly worry less about your wife. She has been under a lot of stress and it sounds like you’re hounding her and telling her you are worried about what she will do etc. She’s probably shaking her head and almost laughing because you are the one that blew everything up. I think this post really shows how far you need to go and that you frankly don’t get it. You are worried about you!

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8679888
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Wester1 ( new member #79164) posted at 5:55 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

I think you should continue working on yourself and possibly worry less about your wife. She has been under a lot of stress and it sounds like you’re hounding her and telling her you are worried about what she will do etc. She’s probably shaking her head and almost laughing because you are the one that blew everything up. I think this post really shows how far you need to go and that you frankly don’t get it. You are worried about you!

posts: 19   ·   registered: Jul. 23rd, 2021
id 8679889
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DaddyDom ( member #56960) posted at 8:13 PM on Friday, July 30th, 2021

I know you avoided sharing details, however, some might help, just to get a better picture of who you are, and what went down, prior to all this. Did you have one or more affairs? Were they long term? How long were they going on for prior to D-Day? Are there any special circumstances, such as dating a family member or best friend, etc?

There is a lot going on here, and I will echo the others in that you'll really need to focus on yourself right now. Which I know doesn't help at all with the pain of what is going on with your wife, but the truth is, she's got her own struggles to contend with, ones that existed even prior to the affair. The affair will only make those worse most likely. But those are her burdens for now, and you are in no position to help her at the moment. So let's attach your airbag before helping others, if you know what I mean.

Here's a question for you... you said your wife struggled with alcohol prior to the A. Was she struggling with it when you first got married? If not, when did it start and how? The question I'm really coming to is this... Why do feel you allowed yourself to seek out and establish a relationship with someone so broken? If she wasn't broken to begin with, what happened, and again, why have you allowed it to continue? Did you feel like you weren't worth more? Or did you feel like her savior perhaps?

The answers aren't for me, they are for you, and your IC. To be clear, I'm not trying to toss any blame on your wife here, that's not my goal. Rather, I want you to start thinking about what factors in your life led to the affair. What boundaries did you cross, or did they not even exist? You seem to pick people and situations that tend to be broken or end poorly, and that reflects back on you, what you are willing to allow in your life, and what "normal" feels like to you, even if your normal is everyone else's "broken". See if there are any similarities in what attracted you to your wife that affected why you sought out an affair? What need were you trying to fill? What your sense of self-respect and dignity didn't kick in and prevent you from taking that path?

What will help your wife the most right now is you getting your head on straight, and making changes in your life that will ensure this never happens again in the future. That starts with understanding how and why you allowed this to happen, and then taking steps to correct those ideas.

Hang in there, this is the really tough part. Keep coming back, check in, let us know how you are doing and what's stressing on you.

Me: WS
BS: ISurvivedSoFar
D-Day Nov '16
Status: Reconciling
"I am floored by the amount of grace and love she has shown me in choosing to stay and fight for our marriage. I took everything from her, and yet she chose to forgive me."

posts: 1159   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2017   ·   location: Marblehead, MA
id 8679944
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