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Just Found Out :
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 flowerceremony (original poster New Member #79104) posted at 4:26 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I apologize in advance if this is just rambling. Today is my D-Day. My SO confessed about eight hours ago. This is the first time I've gone through a partner committing infidelity and I just feel lost.

Apparently this all transpired last week - he is currently on an academic university sponsored trip with other students. This trip is happening about two and a half hours from where I live. I went to visit him today and he immediately broke down and said he slept with someone else.

I feel completely numb. We've been together for 2 and a half years and couldn't have been happier. I have been going through a stressful time at work and have been feeling unappreciated by him lately, but this of course takes the cake.

He seemed to show genuine remorse but it's extremely difficult to tell for certain. The affair happened multiple times, I didn't press for too many details.

I think I want to reconcile at this point, but I honestly don't know. I don't know how to feel or what to think. I still love him but it's incredibly hurtful that he chose to betray my trust and damage our relationship to such a degree.

Any advice would be much appreciated.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 4:38 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Never offer R upfront before you’ve had time to think this through thoroughly.

Sorry you’re here

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
id 8674420
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 flowerceremony (original poster New Member #79104) posted at 5:29 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Thanks for the advice. Do you have any tips for how to move forward over the coming days? I've asked for space to process this news on my own but I'm not sure what else to do from here.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
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beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 7:23 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Do not offer him R this early, even if you're considering it. He won't suffer any consequences and there's a strong possibility that he will do it again coz he got away with it the first time.

Ask him for a timeline of the affair. Was he in contact prior and after the fact? How did they end up sleeping together? Were they flirting even before the meetup?

You need to ask him tough questions and tell him that this is his last chance to tell the truth. If he doesn't then consider your relationship as done. STD test for both you and him, ask for access to all his devices, you should know and inform you his location at all times and if possible ask him for a polygraph test.

Don't offer to have sex with him until the STD tests comes back.

All the best!

posts: 376   ·   registered: Jun. 14th, 2021
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babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 7:48 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Strength and good that you posted a message here.

Read the many stories of others here in this forum, and the advice given, and see all the damage that cheaters do.

If you are not married, have no children together, have no mortgage together, then I recommend you to dump the boyfriend, he betrayed you and you deserve a happy life without stress and you deserve to sleep at night.

There are better men than him out there, be your own best friend, he is not critical to your life happiness YOU are.

Strength girl!

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 8674460
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leafields ( Member #63517) posted at 7:53 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Please take the time to read the Healing Library, located in the yellow box in the upper left corner.

Reconciliation (R) is difficult, and your wayward has to be 100% committed to R.

After 34 years of M, my XWH (wayward husband who is now my ex-husband) wasn't able to do the work on himself to be a safe partner.

If I'd have known at 2-3 years, I would have run.

Lea
Me: BW
Married 34 years, 3 DS
DDay #1: March 26, 2018, DDay #2 8/26/2019
Filed for D: 11/16/2020
D Final: 2/25/2021

posts: 642   ·   registered: Apr. 21st, 2018   ·   location: Washington State
id 8674463
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Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 7:58 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Reconciliation Basics

No contact ever with the AP

Truth

Remorse not sorry I got caught

Transparency

Those are the basics. Even then there are no guarantees.

The problem is the affair is very destructive and will dissipate but never fully go away.

Plus the capability is there for this to happen again.

posts: 6616   ·   registered: Oct. 3rd, 2017
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 11:44 AM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

He must earn a second chance, anything less and he'll be high risk to cheat again (because you let him off easy the first time).

He should read:

"How to Help Your Spouse Heal From Your Affair: A Compact Manual" by Linda J. MacDonald (Author)

And you both should read: "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass

And talk about the books.

The timeline is critical for him to fully acknowledge that this was a dirty betrayal vs a harmless romance. His timeline should include topics discussed and what he was feeling.

It's also important for you to understand the depth of the betrayal (otherwise you'll wake up someday wanting to know more).

Get the OWs contact information. If she's married or partnered, inform her partner.

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8674500
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 flowerceremony (original poster New Member #79104) posted at 3:57 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Thanks all for the advice, helps to know I'm not alone. You've all mentioned a few things I hadn't thought about yet which was also helpful to hear.

Since this is all so fresh (not even 24 hours out from Dday) I'm trying to stay calm and rational before offering him anything, whether I decide I want to try for R or not.

We haven't officially broken up and plan to talk through everything in more detail next week once his trip is over. Until then, is going low contact/no contact with him the best course of action?

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
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nekonamida ( Member #42956) posted at 4:23 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Yes, going low/NC is a good idea to give yourself some space. Come up with a list of questions. Who is the OW? Does she have a partner who needs to be informed? Will your WSO keep having contact with her after this trip and how can he go NC with her? Does he plan on getting IC and how can he prevent this from ever happening again?

posts: 4964   ·   registered: Mar. 31st, 2014   ·   location: United States
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babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 4:36 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Have you told your, and his, parents what he did? You should, it is your life so you have every right to share the good things but also the bad things that overcome you, and telling them is critical so he will be exposed and will learn that cheating brings such consequences, exposure helps to destroy affairs (not much fun anymore when his and your parents disapprove of it and shame him). Strength.

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
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 flowerceremony (original poster New Member #79104) posted at 4:51 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

I like the list of questions idea, when I found out yesterday I was so shocked and hurt I didn't want too many details, but I realize now that getting them all out in the open is one of the first steps towards my healing.

I've already put my foot down about counseling - for both of us as well as each of us individually.

I've also already put my foot down about him going completely NC with OW after their trip. I plan to draft up a NC text or letter of sorts and have him send it while I'm with him. I'm also going to ask for him to block OW everywhere and come up with a transparency plan - access to devices, passwords etc.

I haven't told my parents or his parents yet, I'm not sure when I will. The temptation to tell my parents is very strong since I'm close with them, but I don't want to be rash and regret that decision later. Trying my best to make decisions with a lot of forethought rather than based on emotion, which has been tough so far.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
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justabrokendream ( Member #3075) posted at 5:17 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

As you can see by my number, I'm an old-timer. My thoughts - you are probably young with your whole life ahead of you, I wouldn't consider this person long-term material if he is already cheating.

posts: 480   ·   registered: Jan. 3rd, 2004   ·   location: CA
id 8674570
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rugswept ( Member #48084) posted at 5:37 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

You're getting some great advice. Read it all again and take the parts that makes the most sense to you. This is big stuff for all of us.

Make sure you get the timeline and WHATEVER details you may want, no matter how sordid. That's up to you. Tell him what you expect.

Many here say 6 months out is the time to commit to R, if you do. You're such a mess right now to an extent that you don't fully realize. Don't take an emotional response and commit. Wait and see. Give it time.

If it's a real dealbreaker (and it doesn't sound like it), then end it immediately.

You are further down the path to an effective response to this that most are after weeks. You're doing terrific. I so wish this place had existed back in the day. I made just about every mistake a rookie can when it comes to dealing with an A. I would have done something much different if I had been armed with what's on this site.

Believe, from him, half of what you see and none of what you hear. He'll lie like the rest of them. The only positive is the confession. But, it wasn't a "one off" "mistake" (a decision actually). He went back, for more. He has to answer for that. If he went back his immediate guilt wasn't enough to dissuade him from a second bite at the apple.

We wish you well and good luck.

Good luck.

[This message edited by rugswept at 11:38 AM, July 11th (Sunday)]

R'd (rug swept everything) decades ago.
I'm big on R. Very happy marriage but can never forget.

posts: 956   ·   registered: Jun. 2nd, 2015   ·   location: Northeast US
id 8674572
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AnnieOakley ( Member #13332) posted at 5:39 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Read the two pinned topics at the top of the page. They are old, but pinned and timeless for a reason.

We’re sorry you are here. I eventually found out that my exh cheated on me when we were engaged. Had I known at that time, I would have never stayed with him. I said in a joking manner yet serious very early in our dating days that if I ever found out that he cheated…his shit would be in the driveway. No questions necessary.

18 years later…I should have listened to that much younger voice. Infidelity was indeed a dealbreaker for me. No questions necessary.

Me= BSHim=xWH (did the work & became the man I always thought he was, but it was too late)M=23+,T=27+dday=7/06, 8/09 (pics at a work function), 11/09 VAR, 6/12 Sep'd, 10/14 Divorced."If you are going through hell, keep going."

posts: 1681   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2007   ·   location: NoCal
id 8674573
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sisoon ( Guide #31240) posted at 5:50 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Welcome to SI.

My belief is that you heal you, your SO heals your SO, and if you both do the work you need to do, you work together to heal your relationship. You can't do your SO's work, and he can't do yours. All fronts can be worked on a t the same time, but it's 3 different 'healings'.

My further belief s that your work consists of processing grief, fear, shame, and anger out of your body. A good IC can help.

You get through this by guiding yourself - express your feelings when it's safe to do so, hold them in when necessary. You may need some time alone to cry. You may want to pull over to the side of the road while driving or absent yourself rom your cubicle to scream or cry or just think.

The 2nd highest priority, IMO, after processing your feelings, is to figure out what you want. Do you really want this guy? If not, now is a good time to dump him. If you do want him, my reco is to observe him for several months to see if he consistently does his work - on himself and on your relationship. If he isn't consistent, he's not a good candidate for R.

Was this an ONS that happened on the trip? Is he on the trip in an official role? If so, he needs to brace himself for trouble. If it's an A that included a build-up and multiple meetings, be sure to ask why it's coming out now.

Here's some reading I suggest.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/what-every-wayward-spouse-needs-to-know.asp - if this resonates with you, I suggest printing it off and giving the printout to your H as 'something you found on the web.' My reco: DO NOT tell your H about SI until you're sure he's on board for R.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=361740&HL=14993 - serjr threads for newbies

Tactical Primer:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=235051

Boundaries and Consequences 101:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=385631

Setting Healthy Boundaries:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=231851

Before You Say Reconcile:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=406548

The Simplified 180:

https://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=598080

20/20 Hindsight: What I Wish I'd Done:

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=161389

You can even R if you both do the necessary work. You can survive and thrive if you do your work, even if your WS does nothing. It's always OK to leave your WS behind.

fBH (me) - on d-day: 66, Married 43, together 45, same sex ap
DDay - 12/22/2010
Recover'd and R'ed
You don't have to like your boundaries. You just have to set and enforce them.

posts: 26010   ·   registered: Feb. 18th, 2011   ·   location: Illinois
id 8674576
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Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 6:43 PM on Sunday, July 11th, 2021

Is the OW a student on the trip with him?

Are they still in contact?

Why did he confess? Was it because other's knew and he would likely be outed anyway?

1 - Before you tell your parents, consider that if you R (and marry) it may be something your parents will always hate him for.

2 - Don't be concerned that something you say or do (or don't) while he's on the trip will push him away. Why? because if it pushes him away then you already lost him; and his confession/remorse was false.

[This message edited by Robert22205https at 12:43 PM, July 11th (Sunday)]

posts: 2409   ·   registered: Jul. 22nd, 2018   ·   location: DC
id 8674589
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 flowerceremony (original poster New Member #79104) posted at 4:38 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I sincerely appreciate everyone's advice, links to articles, and kind words - it helps so much to have a community of people who have been in my shoes supporting me through this.

Based on what I know right now, he slept with OW multiple times last week. I'm not sure why he confessed, he just couldn't hold it in I guess. If he hadn't confessed I'm not sure I would have found out since I don't know any of the other people on the trip.

He met all of the students (including OW) while on this trip. They have known each other for max 3 weeks.

I have asked him to go NC with her as much as he possibly can - they all work together every day in a small group so can't totally be avoided. When he returns I am absolutely going to have him send her a NC letter.

Also appreciate the advice about my parents - that is why I'm holding off telling them. I don't want to saddle my family with this emotional burden if I don't have to. I'm also not sure if I want to tell any friends or other safe people, I'm struggling with having to pretend everything is "fine". Working on getting IC for myself this week which I'm sure will help with the "dying to tell someone about this" feeling.

Any tips on how to navigate these first few rough days at work, with family and friends, etc. would be extremely helpful.

posts: 16   ·   registered: Jul. 11th, 2021
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babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 7:11 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

Not telling your parents and friends deprives you from the social support you now need so much, regarding the exposure you should at least tell HIS parents what he did to you?

How HE will act an behave now will help or further destroy you, will he show genuine remorse and act in ways to help you heal or do things that will further harm you? This is critical, if he does not help you (e.g., says that you are overreacting, not really breaking contact, minimizes the harm done to you, trying to make you accept what he has done, trying to change your sexual values system, etc.) it is a serious red flag.

Nevertheless, one thing that will help you is to understand that you need to focus on YOU, be your own best friend (again), less focus on him, less focus on him and you, less focus on you and him, and all your focus on YOU(rself) will help you. This includes knowing that he is not critical to your life happiness, that you were happy in life before you ever met him, and thus that he can enrich your life or get lost by your choice, and for you to be good to yourself and to be your own best friend (again). This is called the 180, look it up and read in the Healing Library on this website.

Further, this website is a knowledge vault, read all the other stories and advice given there to learn about what you are dealing with and are up against, to empower yourself and gain an understanding of what harm was done to you, and to help you through this.

Strength!

posts: 342   ·   registered: Dec. 28th, 2016
id 8674699
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MickeyBill2016 ( Member #56459) posted at 7:57 AM on Monday, July 12th, 2021

I'm sorry that you had to find this place but it will help you to get thru this.

To be clear they are both students? If one is a teacher, counselor, TA then they could be in some hot water.

I suggest talking to a friend sibling or your parents, you will be going thru a really hard few weeks or months. Your usual go to person when in a crisis is the cause of the crisis. Maybe let your folks and his folks know that you two are going thru a rough patch and patience and support from them would be appreciated.

It would be "better" if it was a ONS but he admits they had sex probably every day after the first time...

So he was ok with that then the "Damn! I totes forgot about Flowerecermony!"

Right now your reaction may be to fix things...but maybe just move on and let him stay with his new friend (if she is also in a relationship they deserve each other)

9 years married.
13 years divorced.

posts: 1176   ·   registered: Dec. 17th, 2016   ·   location: West of the 405 North of the Mexican border
id 8674700
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