Topic is Sleeping.
jimih33 (original poster New Member #75974) posted at 11:43 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021
So, I literally just found out that my wife has been having an EA/PA for some time now. My wife of almost 16 years is out shopping with my son so I did a little snooping to satisfy this itch telling me that something is off. She recently switched phones a couple of weeks ago and left her old phone at home. Up until now she has kept that damn thing with her at all times (red flag, I know). The last time I went through her stuff was because I found an opened box for a sex toy so I asked her about it, she lied and told me that it was a gag gift from friends at work she hasn't seen in a long time because of COVID. After that I did some snooping and found evidence that she herself had ordered the toy.
I asked her about it and I was read the riot act for going through her things. I told her the only reason I had been suspicious was because she left the box out in plain sight for out son to see. At that point I became almost paranoid and was looking though everything at every chance I had. I came up with somethings that could be considered inappropriate, but nothing that screamed "AFFAIR". Well, that all changed today.
So, she leaves with her mom and my son to go get school clothes and I'm just sitting on the couch watching TV. I went looking for a remote control and I see her old phone sitting there so I pick it up and of course its locked. I tried a couple of her "secret" passwords and bam, I'm in. This is where my life suddenly has changed. I go though a couple apps and don't see anything worse than what I've seen before, but as soon as I hit her photos, JACKPOT!!!!
She literally has hundreds of photos saved in various stages of undress. She has always told me she would never take a nude photo of herself, but him here I am looking at over 200 photos where she has no clothes on at all and over 100 of her playing with toys including the toy I found the box for. She also had over a hundred photos of a guy that I know is someone she plays an online game with. I know she has sent him some because she had screenshots of their conversation and the pictures were right there in their conversation. I have not confronted her yet, because I literally just found out and she has not returned home yet. I'm afraid of the reaction I'm going to have because I asked her about this months ago and she denied, but I was right all along. I have been treated like a bad husband because I "suggested she was having an affair". I know that they have not physically met because he lives in the UK and we live in the US. Some people say that since they haven't met it's not physical, but to me, as soon as you start sexting and masturbating together online, it's physical. She has denied me sex for well over a year and in the years since my son was born, we've not been very intimate. I did go through a period where I was suffering from ED, and she was very understanding, but once those issues began to resolve themselves she continued to deny me. I'm seriously afraid of the reaction I'm going to have since I've been lied to for so long and treated like garbage because I suspected her of something she "could never do."
Cooley2here ( Member #62939) posted at 11:48 PM on Monday, July 5th, 2021
She is cheating. She is cheating. She is cheating.
Please explain to her that a stranger now has hundreds of photos of her that he can post anywhere. These troglodytes troll the internet for women like her. He can sell them. He can do anything with them. She has rocks in her head.
Do not back down. Do not apologize. Do not feel guilty. She is a mother. What would happen if her son saw these. Oh brother!
To thine own self be true. Shakespeare
beb252 ( Member #78948) posted at 12:08 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Cheating is cheating, whether EA or PA. Both are equally destructive.
Gather all the evidences you can get, make a copy of them so you can use them for your leverage. You need to tell her you know but don't tell her how you knew. If possible, you can clone her phone if you know how to so you can still 'investigate' her ongoing communications with her AP or APs.
Talk to her and state your conditions and be firm on your stand if she wants to work on regaining your trust.
guvensiz ( Member #75858) posted at 12:10 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Don't immediately share with her everything you know and how you know it. This gives her the opportunity to hide better.
Copy and hide all evidence out of her reach. You can also recover some of the deleted evidence by running the recovery program on her old phone. She may also be using the passwords you know on other apps and devices, you can check them out when you get the chance. Also, if you can access cloud accounts, you can see what she is currently doing.
fareast ( Member #61555) posted at 12:13 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Always value yourself. Your WW is the one who should be afraid. Not you. Read in the healing library. When you confront her be calm and firm. She can continue her sexting and her EA, but not as your W. Period. Accept no blame. Nothing you did caused her to cheat. Shut down all of the rationalizing. Be strong and firm. You deserve better. Good luck.
[This message edited by fareast at 7:04 PM, July 5th (Monday)]
Never bother with things in your rearview mirror. Your best days are on the road in front of you.
src9043 ( Member #75367) posted at 12:14 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
She is going to lie, lie, lie. Demand that she take a polygraph to determine the level of her cheating and whether she has had sex with other men. The fact that she refuses to have sex with you for over one year indicates that she is loyal to some other man and not you. Blow this thing sky high and don't let her intimidate you. Go see a lawyer in order to assess your exposure financially.
I am truly sorry for your situation. But do not take any more shit from your wife. Ask her if she wants a divorce. If the answer is yes proceed accordingly. She has so much work to do to save your marriage. Others will be along to describe the various steps she must take to become a safe partner if that is what you want.
You cannot truly assess what you want until the dust has settled and you know the entire story. DO NOT allow blameshifting by her. You may have to get tough and file for divorce to get her attention. You can always stop the process if she wakes up and becomes remorseful. But that will take quite some time and a lot of work on her part. Above all, do not let her rug sweep any of this crap. Remember, she denied you sex for over a year while getting her needs met elsewhere.
You have more than enough to confront her NOW. Sit her down and show her what you have. Then demand at that instant that she hand over to you all electronic devices she owns with their passwords. Also, demand access to any and all social media accounts on the spot. If she balks, tell her that you are going to see a lawyer tomorrow and will file for divorce. Tell her that she must turn everything over THAT INSTANT so that she cannot delete any evidence. She is a liar and a cheater. Treat her as the enemy. That is what she is right now.
Above all, if her actions are a dealbreaker, move on from her.
[This message edited by src9043 at 6:26 PM, July 5th (Monday)]
Jameson1977 ( Member #54177) posted at 12:14 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
jimih33, I’m so sorry you find yourself here, but you found the right place. Your WW is cheating, plain and simple. Whether they have met up in person doesn’t negate the fact she has been carrying on an affair.
What she has been doing to you is gaslighting. She knew you were on to her so she turns it around to make you look like the bad husband for snooping.
You certainly have more than enough information to confront her. She will probably say it was harmless flirting, it made her feel good about herself, but doesn’t mean anything. Total bullshit. She’s been denying you sex because she doesn’t want to “cheat” on her boyfriend.
Others will be around with good advise, all I will add is find that anger, do not let her gaslight and manipulate you. You and her both know exactly what she’s doing.
ShutterHappy ( Member #64318) posted at 12:32 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Because you are married, her old phone is marital property. It belongs to you too. You could keep the phone for now, put it in a safe place, as well as making backup of the evidence.
As soon as you confront, those pictures will get deleted and she will gaslight you.
Standard advice is to talkto a lawyer just so you know what D would look like.
When you confront her, she’ll give you the standard cheater excuses. “You didn’t pay attention to me”. It was only a few times. It was just a mistake. It didn’t mean anything. It wasn’t cheating because she didn’t meet him in person.
All that is to avoid responsibility for her actions and decisions.
When do you plan to confront?
I plan on living forever. So far so good
HappilyMarried1 ( Member #77296) posted at 12:36 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
So sorry you @jimih33
I would as some others have already said. I would copy everything. I also before I would confront her now that you know your gut was correct that she is cheating I would lay low and get some indisputable evidence I would purchase a VAR and also hid a mini camera where she does her online chatting or gaming from and get video proof.
If you don't want to go that route I would still not show all of my cards and say that you already know that she lied about the sex toy that she purchased it herself and that you know a lot more as well and you will give her one chance and only one chance to come clean on what she has been up to and that she better not lie or tell half truths. You might actually find out more than you already know. You will tell her mom and family what she has been up to and done to you and your family.
I personally would go with the first option especially since you just found out and do more research and checking collecting more information so you know the whole extent of her betrayal before you confront. I agree with what ShutterHappy said about the old phone that it is martial property and put it in a safe place and have the whole phone downloaded by a professional. There is probably a lot more on there than you have found. A lot of times in these online EA's there could be more than one OM. Best of luck!
[This message edited by HappilyMarried1 at 6:39 PM, July 5th (Monday)]
LookWhatYouDid ( New Member #78771) posted at 12:38 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
I've lurked this board for over a year, but as a fellow betrayed husband who remembers those early days, I just want to acknowledge the emotions I know you are feeling. This is not on you! Get mentally / emotionally strong and don't take her blameshifting when you confront her. Feel confident in the direction you want to go based on how she responds (note: filing divorce does not mean the marriage is over).
I don't want to promote shaming your spouse, but it is worth pointing out that her activity involves producing free pornography for some random. She really has zero way of assuring what happens with that material after she hits send. Teenager level crap...
[This message edited by LookWhatYouDid at 7:18 PM, July 5th (Monday)]
SnowToArmPits ( Member #50943) posted at 1:14 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Hi OP. A future where you have to check on your wife to see if she's doing tawdry shit like sharing nude photos and masturbating with men online... man that's no way to live.
You need to confront her. *** Ask her how she's going to make this right. ***
Remind her you're not her father enforcing a curfew or 2 weeks without the internet, you're her husband and she's an adult.
You've got a kid together and you've been married a while if she's out buying him school clothes. I can understand why you might not want to jump right to divorce. What do you do here... one more chance maybe? She does this nonsense again --> you tell her "not interested in being your husband, find someone else."
Stay strong don't take any shit from her, sounds like in the past she's been good at guilting you. Not this time pal, hold firm.
[This message edited by SnowToArmPits at 7:16 PM, July 5th (Monday)]
Marz ( Member #60895) posted at 1:14 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
I'm seriously afraid of the reaction I'm going to have since I've been lied to for so long and treated like garbage because I suspected her of something she "could never do."
Oh cmon. She cheats and beats you up for invading her privacy to cheat on you?
Right now your fear is a huge problem.
Get strong and stay there or you’ll wish you had.
[This message edited by Marz at 7:46 PM, July 5th (Monday)]
Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:36 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Has she been acting different?
Is she distant?
Does she criticize you more?
When you confront she will attack you for snooping.
DO NOT RESPOND TO THAT. STAY ON TOPIC (the pictures and her boyfriend)
Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:39 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Any thing she does behind your back with another man is cheating.
Anything she knows you will not approve of is cheating.
Why? because those pictures, the sex, the romance, the erotica, and all her time invested in the other man - IS YOURS!
Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:40 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Do not accept any blame for her cheating. You may accept 50% responsibility of marriage issues but the cheating is 100% on her.
Whatever her excuse, she had other options rather than an affair with another man.
Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:42 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
If she stopped having sex with you, the affair is physical.
Men don't waste time on a married woman without sex.
The man has been traveling to the US and she meets him.
Robert22205https ( Member #65547) posted at 1:43 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Insist she turn over her new phone immediately (no time to delete anything) - or you guarantee divorce.
They may use an app that auto deletes texts.
[This message edited by Robert22205https at 7:44 PM, July 5th (Monday)]
BeyondRage ( Member #71328) posted at 2:29 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Everyone is sorry for this situation but we’ve all been there. What you do next is very key for YOU
There is no arguing she is cheating so my suggestion to you before you confront her is
(1) Thales the word AFRAID out of your vocabulary. She’s sending lewd pictures to another man and why are you afraid she’ll be mad?? That mindset will paralyze you
(2) Don’t get into a debate with her or ask for expalanations whatvfucking explanation can make this ok ??
(3) Make no statements that you will forgive her and love her
(4) Do not run to any therapist where you will more than likely be asked what responsibility you have for HER action
This is 100% on her as is the action to convince you it will be ended with no conditions
If you play what is called the pick me game you will do nothing but prolong coming to a conclusion based on truth
The first question I would asked her is
“ Are you going to call this guy in front of me and end this right now or not”
If the answer is no you’ll know what to do next , which is see an attorney which is probably not a bad idea
Kids- 23,21,20,18 all female
Buster123 ( Member #65551) posted at 6:33 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
You have more than enough to confront, but tell her she's got 10 seconds to hand you her unlocked CURRENT phone, don't be afraid of her, she's the one cheating.
babypuke ( Member #56585) posted at 7:41 AM on Tuesday, July 6th, 2021
Strength, it is a tough situation you are dealing with, fortunately you found this website and its members, SI is here for you, you are not alone.
Maybe an idea to tell her that a friend emailed you some nude photos that are openly circulating on the internet that he thought you should know of, of HER!, this will immediately let break her contact with the guy and show her consequences of her behavior? It is a lie yes, but instrumental and you should not let her know how you actually found out anyway?
Topic is Sleeping.