SurvivingInfidelity.com^®

There have been times over the past 6 years that have felt more disconnected than others. I have said to WS "I feel really disconnected from you and it feels similar to when you were in your A and that is concerning to me." This has been met with the completely appropriate "I'm sorry I hurt you and put you in a position that you feel that way, your feeling is justified, I am not struggling and not in a mental place where I could do that again. More than anything I know what the fallout feels like and I don't want to put us through that." I mean wow, I couldn't ask for more than that validation. Yet, here we are.

Yesterday was a hard day, I could physically feel my self esteem just slipping away. I joined a gym by our house, I need an anxiety outlet and some heathy endorphins. I told him that even if it was true that he thought he could just be supportive and not cross lines with her, he knew I couldn't. By the very fact that he hid his contact with her he knew I couldn't and furthermore, hiding it showed that he couldn't either.

During these times that I have had concern about feeling disconnected I have always told myself, well, if he is I've been here before and that will be the end. I don't need him financially at all, DS just graduated high school and will be leaving in a few months. I have dear friends who support me, volunteer work, a full time job and a side business. (no, I was never too busy for him, always setting aside time for us each evening and at least one full day of every weekend. He has his own hobbies, music, cycling).

Yet, here I am at a minimum contemplating R, giving him a chance, again. There was no blaming me this time. There was quick sign up for MC and a much needed, much talked about ASD assessment. There has been asking me how I am doing, sitting with me in my pain, no defensiveness, accepting full responsibility. These things don't make me leap to full hope like they would have before. Sustained effort is a bottom line.

I don't know how to address the disappointment I have in myself for not just throwing him out as a serial cheater. It is deep. After everything we have been through he did it again, I feel like a fool for believing there is any hope at all.

My apologies for bounding around, welcome to the inside of my brain these days.

I have rowed that same boat. And also in stormy waters. Until it just became to much of a tempest to row in.

Think of your future. Three, Five, ten years from now. Think of it with and without him. Which do you prefer? Then make your decision and live with it.

I have a lot of the same feelings you do, although so far only one dday.

I told my therapist I was disappointed in myself and felt like I was betraying myself. She said to honor the voice inside of myself that wants to protect me.

So if I can't stop feeling disappointed & like I am betraying myself I am going to leave. I have a date on the calendar because I have let years pass me by not getting what I need from this relationship. If I don't feel good about moving forward by that date - I am out.

I am also ok financially on my own. I think that is another reason maybe we feel disappointed in ourselves? We can't find a reason we NEED to stay. We are choosing to.

Good luck in whatever you choose. It is your life and you get just the one.

@thatbpguy, If I could subtract out the infidelity, I would unquestionably choose with him.

@stubbornft without "needing" them we have to confront that it is a choice without the benefit of giving reason to that choice.

I start IC tomorrow, I hope the therapist is a good fit.

@thatbpguy, If I could subtract out the infidelity, I would unquestionably choose with him.

But you cannot deflect that out of the conversation within yourself. Add it back in as a fact.

@thatbpguy Sadly, I know. That is why I started it with "if," because I know that is not possible. I also cannot subtract out the damage.

Just my $0.02, but you need to do what's best for you- your emotional and physical help. Not what's best for your H. At this point, it must be about you.

My WW is not a serial cheater but I have the same struggle.

I think it's a good struggle.

We could go two ways with this:

1. Don't beat yourself up. You haven't done anything except be a good, decent, kind person.

2. Or maybe this is our scientifically documented moral emotions asserting that we should feel some disappoint with ourselves?

Or maybe a bit of both.

I don't know.

I think everyone in R has to deal with that. We take in a lot of messages as we grow up and live. One of strongest is to dump people who hurt us. When we're actually betrayed, though, we find it's a lot more complex than dumping the person who attacked us.

My solution was and remains: figure out what you want and go for it.

I say that because we also take in a lot of questions about forgiveness. Many of us genuinely love our WSes. There's a lot in our culture that tells us R is the best way. IOW, no matter what a BS chooses, a BS will have many chances to beat themself up for their decision.

Given the lose-lose aspects of all responses to infidelity, I think that going for what one wants offers the possibility of least pain and most joy. But choosing R isn't easy, even if it promises the best payoff.

Disappointment in oneself IS beating oneself up. Reminding myself that I chose R and that I could make another choice at any time is part of how I stop the attack-self messages that clutter up my life. I believe that mindset will help others achieve the same goal.

I know this is easier said than done.

@sisoon That is a good perspective. I can make another choice at any time.

All this time...now back to therapy...

I think you need to sit back and reflect on what your young selfs views were on love, marriage, family, etc..really explore that. Those ideals rarely change.

Then ask yourself if you are working hard to manufacture a reality where this wasn't a deal breaker for you...

Wishing you everything

@SlapNutsABingo we never went to therapy, this time will be the first time.

I went alone for 3-4 sessions to stabilize after the initial trauma. He went for a few months and got the same. Then we moved across the country and patted ourselves on the back for everything we had overcome. The rational side of my brain knew we were rugsweeping and he was not working hard enough. The excitement and adventure masked a lot. "But, wherever you go, there you are."

The (understandable) desperation to get back to normal is a strong pull that often results in rugsweeping.

"A few months" of therapy rarely affects lasting change. Sometimes you find out the hard way; I did.

Insist on long-term IC for your WS, if you decide to R.

I really needed the support of a good IC and have no plans to discontinue. Good mental hygiene is a good thing, regardless.

[This message edited by HardKnocks at 2:54 PM, July 1st (Thursday)]

Yep, same that nagging feeling that it wasn't enough has proven correct.

He agreed to MC with no hesitation this time. He also said he expects to be in IC for the rest of his life. He was planning on IC before DDay based on suspected ASD and PTSD. His sister has recently addressed both.

A lesson for those that are new here. Last time when people told me he wasn't doing enough and didn't sound truly remorseful I shrugged it off. "You don't know me." Well, they did. I appreciate seeing some of those same guides still here.

I am so sorry that you have to endure this pain again. You are a brave and strong woman. This is not for the faint of heart. I certainly cannot be one to tell you what to do or how to feel. There is no time limit on making a decision, process..pray.. and pray some more. God Bless.